Need Help with Husband's MLC

[JeanBean]

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My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.

THIS is a huge item for you. What would you be doing to improve your self esteem? What is it that makes you YOU? Can you draw, read, fix things, cook, weld, be a great mom, whatever it is, make a list and post it here… We want to see your “I’m going to do these things to make myself happy” list. Goals are important, very important.

This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?"

This sounds like he feels a need to have communication with you, to feel heard. He’s not feeling heard, and I can see why, you need to work on your validation. My H also said that OW listens to him, which was a shock to me since he is not a talkative person, but I thought back and when we were first together, we talked about everything. Things changed when my step kids moved into our house.. so your H is the same, he needs talk. Start by listening to him when he does talk to you, even if what he is saying is hurtful.

He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.

This is good, both that he started opening up to you and that he told you he doesn’t feel you comfort him. Now you know what he needs and can address him… learn to validate, and make him feel comforted.

He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial.

Again, more issues he sees you as having. If you feel these are real issues, deal with them, change yourself so that you are a happy person and not living in denial or fear.

I guess from reading this I don't know how to validate him - what does he need? I listen and I ask questions sometimes and I remember in the past saying that it wasn't right some of the bad things. I think sometimes I look like I feel sorry for him and he has said before it is like I am listening to a story which I told him really hurt my feelings because I did not view it that was and did not realize I seemed that way about it. What words or body language could I use to validate him? My family was pretty quiet and not really big on words so I am at a loss I guess. I can give a hug in a heart beat but am not sure what to say...I listen, I am calm but I am not sure what to say back that makes him feel heard and understood and that I really do care. Any advice? Thanks! :o)

Also my things to make me happy list includes: EXERCISE (even if it is just going for a walk on most days), I love to EXERCISE but can't seem to fit it in anywhere. I dragged out my old art portfolio and showed it to my 7 year old. I miss drawing. I miss listening to music and going to concerts. I miss praying, writing, and dancing. All things that have falling through the cracks while being "responsible". I can see where i am pretty "unfun". This is really helping me with ideas, I know I certainly can't get my life back without finding "me" again... :o))