i feel like i completely ruined my marriage

[angierenee]

This happened 6 years ago and my psychiatrist at the time told me to stop snooping in his stuff because it just causes me pain. So I did that for awhile and everything was fine, but then i get suspicious or just curious and so I will look on his phone and I usually end up finding him talking to a girl . nothing sexual . but he gets really defensive when i just ask nicely who is "so and so". He will grab his phone and delete the message and show me the phone in a couple seconds and say look there is nothing here. Making me feel like an idiot, like I made up what I saw.

I have no proof of physical infidelity because i dont know how to get it. and i am too scared to follow him, because deep down i am scared to know for sure.

They arent necessarily deal breakers for me but they have made me so insecure it makes our relationship even worse because i always think he is doing bad things to me. So it is like we are in this vicious cycle...me finding him talking to another girl...him getting defensive and denying everything even the message after i read it...me feeling depressed and angry.

I am trying to do things constantly.... I go to the gym with my daughter and let her play in the kids club...if i dont go to the gym i take her to the park...i scheduled some live music shows to go to.

I think what makes this even harder is that we recently moved to a new city... i was a senior at San Diego State UNiversity and i had to quit because he wanted to move closer to his parents because they gave him money to open a skateboard shop. We are living in his hometown so he is surrounded by all of his old friends.

I am continuing school, but since i had to change schools i now have to be in school for 3 extra semesters, ontop of the two I had to finish at my old school.

I feel like i dropped everything I was doing because he wanted me to move with him. I even asked him....should we just take a break so I can stay in San Diego And finish school and he said no and now 6 months later he doesnt want to be with me.

The only thing that is working in my favor are his parents. They are totally supportive of me and want me to live with them until i'm done with school and can get on my feet. They want him to move out, but he hasnt left yet because he says he has nowhere to go . So i have to see him every night which is a lot harder on my mind.

I think he is using me for my computer because i bought a mac book pro with a lot of expensive programs because i am going to school for computer design. and he cant afford a new one.

i am trying to keep my mind focused. i really am. but it is so hard.