i feel like i completely ruined my marriage

[Awoken]

i agree with goodfight - you need to work on you right now, improve on you. What are you doing about you?

This is good. Tell us about what you are doing for yourself. We can help you sort it out. I know getting started on this is hard, especially in the middle of all this turmoil. But, you can use this crises to motivate yourself towards some important change!