It wasn't the most difficult. There have been harder moments in this process. Maybe they've made me stronger, or more able to cope with it. I think I was more prepared for this than she was actually. She said on the ride home: This seems so surreal. Do you have moments where you just can't believe that this is your life?
And I thought about it and said, I used to.
I almost felt guilty that my mind was already off and running on the future.
At the same time when I got home, I had the sense that, up until now this was all almost a game - trying out a new life, seeing if I could do it, take care of the boys and the house and everything else, pulling myself out of the pit and rising to the challange, and saying HA, I can do this no sweat. And now - it's really my life. This is how it is now.
Yeah, I'm re-experiencing the sense of loss, and the sense that this was all avoidable. And now that all the crap is out of the way, there are no more decisions or negotiations or conversations or recriminiations, I do love her and I do miss her, and if she came back right now and said let's make this work I'd say yes. (Well, I'm safe in believing that because I know she won't, so there you go.)
I miss the life we had; I miss the life we COULD have had, that we planned to have. Somehow something went wrong. And I think I'm to the point of understanding a great deal of it.
She was still struggling this morning when I dropped the kids.
robx posted this earlier on another thread, but there's a lot of wisdom in it...
"Let go of the person that doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you and spend some time healing yourself and then move on with your life and live a great life."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think it's safe to say that if she ever gets her act together, she knows where to find you.
I would call that leaving the door open just a crack.
But you sure as heck don't want to spend your precious time continually looking back to see if anyone is there.
I'm sorry for the end of your marriage, and I'm sorry for the many feelings that you are going through. I remember them well. It's weird, when you never planned on being a divorced man (or woman), taking on that mantle is just...off somehow.
You know already I think, that there are better days ahead. And I do believe it's true that the finality of the divorce does take some of the pressures away.
Toast your marriage like the passing of an old friend. Then it's time to get back to living your life the best you can.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Geronimo, just checking on you my friend. I'm sorry that it was done but now find peace in knowing this wasn't your choice you had to do it. She should feel remorse and rightly so.
Having said that 'y her saying you're all she ever wanted is she not saying she wants to try again but not in those words? I'm sorry if I'm bringing up something you don't want to be thinking about.
In which case... like Bill said she knows where to find you!
Regardless...take a week or two off. If you can get out of town for a few days do it.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
You handled that really well Geronimo and I knew that you would. Signing those papers has only changed your relationship with her in the legal sense and it will bring you some closure to the legal BS. That is always a plus! Now, I agree with the others, your XW does not seem to be done with you and she will come find you when she is ready. It will then be up to YOU wether or not you and your XW try again.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Geronimo, how's today going for you? How long was the D process? how're the kids doing? do they know that it's final etc? how're you feeling probably a bit relieved, a bit sad which is understandable.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I would call that leaving the door open just a crack.
But you sure as heck don't want to spend your precious time continually looking back to see if anyone is there.
I'm sorry for the end of your marriage, and I'm sorry for the many feelings that you are going through. I remember them well. It's weird, when you never planned on being a divorced man (or woman), taking on that mantle is just...off somehow.
I'm good with that. There's no point in any definitive "drawing the line" right now. Someday might have to based on where my path takes me.
It is weird, incorproating this into my "identity" - but not bothersome. Just new.
I do have this feeling of, like right after you finish taking your finals in school.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
Having said that 'y her saying you're all she ever wanted is she not saying she wants to try again but not in those words? I'm sorry if I'm bringing up something you don't want to be thinking about.
No I don't. I've been through this before with her. There's no subtext. Really what it means I guess is that she's still pretty transparent to me. We never really did cut off that level of communication.
Originally Posted By: v1olin
You handled that really well Geronimo and I knew that you would. Signing those papers has only changed your relationship with her in the legal sense and it will bring you some closure to the legal BS. That is always a plus! Now, I agree with the others, your XW does not seem to be done with you and she will come find you when she is ready. It will then be up to YOU wether or not you and your XW try again.
Thank you!
I don't know, thoughts for another day. I have no expectations for really anything right now.
Originally Posted By: karen43
Quote:
She was still struggling this morning when I dropped the kids.
Good.
Things will continue to get better for you. Life is so much more peaceful and less-crazy as time goes on. Boring is good sometimes.
She's still struggling. I dropped the boys off this morning, and she's in bad shape. Has a cold too, so sick and depressed. She commented on how I seemed so happy. Actually said giddy. Don't know, I was just in a good mood this morning, and she was on the brink of tears. I think it pissed her off a little. I did hug her, and told her everything is going to be OK, and her response was more or less "I can't do this." So, OK.
Funny how I still worry about her. Yeah, I'm ducking for the 2x4s are coming. But at this point I'm kind of figuring, what is is, I do care about her, she is the mother of my kids, and I really don't feel like she can hurt me anymore. Wow, that's kind of nice to realize.
I said goodbye to the boys, one of which commented on how I'd shaved off my week-and-a-half growth of beard. I said, is this better, and he said yes, it's better for kissing.
And God as my witness I couldn't help myself, I turned to XW and said "Hey! Better for kissing!" And she said... "Don't mess with me. Go be giddy somewhere else. Go."
So that how things are now. Seriously, you'd think I had divorced her.
In other news - this is a weird thing that happened to me yesterday. I've really re-connected with a lot of people over the last months, and have developed an eagerness to talk to people that I really haven't had before. Anyway, a high-school acquaintance has started initiating chats on FB, and was telling me last night that she's planning to seperate from her husband, move out, she's done, had it, etc. WAW. So we did talk about our different experiences, and I told her how I would have stuck with it through the bad times, etc. Long conversation. Then at the end - well - she commented that I was handsome and signed off with an XOXO.
And - WHOA. No way am I going to be an EA for someone else's situation. Just had a sudden sense of alarm.
Just imagine now that what she's telling me, would be similar to what XW was chatting about with her eventual OM. How we all deserve to be happy, how her husband doesn't appreciate her, etc. This isn't a judgment of her situation or how she feels about it, it's just acknowledging the parallel. She's a nice woman and talking to people is so important right now, but I don't want to walk into that. Maybe I'm misreading but my alarm bells went off.
I have another high-school friend that I've become very close to, has really been a primary source of support, she's been through two divorces and is now living with someone in a committed relationship. She's actually read some of my posts here. I talk to her regularly. And she's told me recently that her great unanswered question of her life is if things would have worked between us and has thought about this for 20 years. I've encouraged her to consider her BF's request to get married.
Oh, and since I'm just going on now - yeah I have chatted with TM, and the cards are pretty much on the table. We've both acknowledged that we're both interested, but agree that this is just absolutely the wrong time.
I really need to focus on adjusting to my new life, on my boys, on me and leveling out. Yes Karen, I want "boring" for awhile.
It’s a double edged sword to get into that kind of conversation when someone is complaining about their spouse as you run the risk of losing that friend, and still not being able to help them change their mind. A few years ago, right after the bomb, I caught a friend’s wife bad mouthing him on Myspace. Now, this woman had cheated on him while he was in Iraq, was pregnant and not sure of who the father was, either my friend or this other guy, and put him through hell. My friend used to call me from Iraq at work because he was so distraught. Anyway, I ripped into her. Told her how damned selfish she was, and that she should thank her lucky stars that my friend decided to stick with her, even though at that time they did not know that my friend was, thankfully, the father of the baby. I told her that she should really stop bitching about him, and basically kiss his butt.
Yeah, that didn’t work. Not only did it piss her off, but my friend de-friended me, and told me I had only made matters worse.
I don’t regret it though. They are still married, and still working out, as far as I can tell (I still talk to my friend’s sister on occasion).
Although I love Facebook, you can hop onto my thread and read my rant about it…
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
