WAH and LBW separated and dark

[theGoodGirl]

i can't believe i totally missed your reply, FG!

It would be normal if you set a boundary and implemented the LRT. Which to a point you have done. I can't say that it was fully thought thru and it was your true intention.. but that is where you are.

the only implicit boundaries i've set are that when you ask for a divorce, we can't be friends.
when you say things like "my parents are starting to question my decision in marrying you" and you believe it too, then i don't expect me to be cordial to you.
when your mother mistreats me and you brush it off, then i will not acknowledge you.

It is not normal because there is usually enough "drama" in these situations to "force" you to poke at one another.

i'm trying to minimize the drama.
for the four months we were still living under the same roof but separated, we didn't have shouting matches every day. we went about our own business. he would be mad about the financial "shafting" he was going to face. and whenever he thought about that, his hate for me grew. he harassed me by calling me a gold digger, by telling me that he wasn't buying groceries anymore because he felt he paid for enough things during our marriage.
i ignored a lot of that and just shrugged my shoulders.
i bought stuff and he helped himself to what i bought.
it got childish but i didn't want to go to that level.
h fell ill one day and i offered to get him some chicken soup.
he wasn't always an a*hole.
when he wasn't thinking about money, he would be the normal h.
sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had agreed to walking away with 25% instead of the 50% that i am legally entitled to.

Cause from what I am reading you both ventured down this path without fully understanding why you were doing it.

i agree with your statement.
i don't know why it's being done. but the advice i get from every counsellor is that when one of you wants out, nothing can be done.
h told me to go look for a L.
so i did. my L wants to get the separation agreement completed asap.
so i gathered my paperwork.
h has been shopping around for a pricey L. finally found one and they have already stated that alimony is out of the question because we are both "self-sufficient".
my L said that it's not the end of the world yet. many of his clients have gotten back together. the sooner the money issue is off the table, it won't be looming over h's head and then we can focus on the real issues at hand.

i wish i knew why we were doing this.

And you agreed without understanding the emotional and mental toll that it would take on you. Now you realize that the rules are not in your favor.. your blaming him.

actually, i knew that it was going to take this kind of toll on me as well.
i tried to stop it without the begging, pleading, and crying.
i understand that this hell lasts for at least 2 yrs. i didn't think i'd be going anorexic like this though.

"this is the ultimate betrayal to me."

So.. Yes. Understand the "work" behind that thought. For now we go on what you said.

forrest, you gotta stop speaking in code. the "work" behind that thought?
i couldn't be with someone after their manhood has been in someone else's yoohoo.
the good girl only buys brand new - never used. that is not negotiable.

So.. you have locked yourself into a D?

we are getting there.
separation agreement is being worked out.
h will probably file for d and will be granted a few months after the mandatory separation period.
at that point, the friendship isn't even salvageable.
in some ways, i've started to move on without him.
i am working with a financial planner to make sure i will be okay financially moving forward. i know that women often face a big financial hurdle after d. i don't want to be one of those people who can't live without a man's support.
i want to own my own home one day. i will get there. on my own.
am i jaded? very likely. but i'm very angry at having wasted the nine years of my life on someone who just decided that i wasn't worth fighting for.
i wouldn't do this again. divorce rates are higher for 2nd marriages. why would i put myself through hell again? because i need to lose more weight? i'm 5' 2" and under 100 lbs. i'm skin and bones right now. i lose any more weight and my health will truly be in jeopardy. it isn't worth it.

This is kinda important. As for DB'ing you will have to "rethink" your situation. You will need to figure out what he is really saying to you. It will have to happen.. and you will have understand where he is coming from.

how is this different from mind reading? my imagination tends to run wild so i try not to think too much about deciphering what he's trying to say. aren't men usually straight forward and women are the ones who speak in a cryptic language?

If you have a separation agreement in place and he is supposed to be paying "support".. why is he not? Are you being proactive in "fixing" that? (Don't run out and "fix" that just yet.)

it's being worked out. i am only going to go with what the law says i am entitled to. nothing more.
it almost seems like i'm the WAS. usually the WAS says take whatever, and they just want out. but my h wants out but he also wants everything.

You have said that you did not part on "hostile" grounds. But.. I am not believing that. You can't introduce divorce papers and not be somewhat hostile. Your 1-2 interactions with him have seemed somewhat "hostile".

i don't think we're out of the turbulent phase yet.
things are still too fresh in h's mind. i'm sure he's still angry with me about the financials. i don't blame myself for that. i mean, the law is the law. and i'm not going after more than what i am entitled to even though i am the LBS.

To me.. the big issue here is that you don't fully understand who or what you really are. You don't know how to clearly "communicate" your needs. From everything I have read "here" you two are suffering from some big "growing pains".

i think communication was a big factor in our breakdown. i think we love each other but don't know how to communicate that to the other person. coupled with the fact that i'm not experienced in relationships.

Why do you want this marriage to "work"?

Explain to me in great detail why it is important to you.

What in this M made you.. a better you?

i spent a lot of time getting to know h before we got together as a couple.
we talked a lot about who we were. our values, morals, and family.
our courtship was one test after another. job loss, family tragedy, family issues, long distance relationship.
he was my best friend. when we were married, i didn't doubt him at all.
i mentioned above that infidelity was the ultimate betrayal.
i never doubted h's faithfulness to me. even to this day, i trust him on that level.
i don't put that kind of trust in anybody.
over the years that i've known h, we learned a lot from each other and about each other.
we both brought different knowledge/skills to the table and we learned from each other - to me, it made us grow as a couple and as individuals.
we experienced things together that we can never share with anybody else.
in all honesty, i learned to live a better life when he came into my world. he showed me how to live well. for that, i am truly grateful.
don't misjudge that as living lavishly. it's about working hard and being able to enjoy the fruits of your labour without feeling guilty.
i lived poorly for a long time. even though i made a very decent living, i continued to live poorly and didn't understand why i was working so hard and life wasn't getting any better. i was miserable.
through h, i learned that it was okay to treat myself to nice things every once i a while. and it changed my life. i worked hard, and i saw what working hard could do. i was able to get out of that poverty mentality that made me miserable.
he made life worth living for me. i was happy when i was with h.
i didn't need him but i wanted to be with him.
he made me a better person. i feel there is still room to grow. i was looking forward to planning other adventures with him. now? it'll never happen.
in return, i'd like to think that i was his sounding board.
i helped him in areas where he was weaker.
i was his partner in crime. i helped him through tough parts of his job.
i took care of things when he didn't have time. we were a team and we managed to get things done.

Leaving out that your H is Co-Whatever.. what were the issues that lead you "here"? All of your answers must start with "We".

our sex life was good until december '09.
i will take the blame for that one. i was afraid to be more adventurous in the bedroom.
we were struggling to have children.
we both neglected our m because chores, responsibilities got in the way.
we moved from a big city to a smaller city - less things to do. life got boring.
we spent too much time together and didn't have separate hobbies to work on. i understand that it is important to have individual time.
we took each other for granted.
we were no longer communicating effectively. this affected our sex life a great deal.

In case you missed it.. Coach is pointing out the fact that your H is watching. Even if you are 100% sure he is not.. I will tell you.. you are wrong. People hide behind all kinds of "Emotion" when they are faced with a situation like this. Your job becomes.. to figure out what they are really saying.. from behind that "Emotion".

and this also isn't mind reading?

Be a leader.. pay attention to who follows you.

after that exercise above, i feel like crap. i couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to dinner.

I know I am late.. and Coach is here now. I managed to lop off a small piece of my finger on my right hand. So.. needless to say.. it slowed me down some.

i hope you are okay. i thought you abandoned me!

At the end of the day.. this "stitch" will define you. Trust me on that. You will know who you are.. and what you want. Define that first before you do anything else. You have plenty of time.

do i really have plenty of time? even with separation agreement being worked out? i look at my response above, and i feel like i deserve to be left behind.
that long hard look in the mirror is ugly.
it's going to take a miracle and half to bring this m back.
i have little faith that this can be saved. which means i will be facing a life sentence to solitude.
here i thought h did so much damage to our r.
i have equally done as much damage to our r.

i do have much to think about. now what?

the Good Girl.