Jack--real proof? Not really. I just remember how he's acted the previous times he's been using.
The worst time, I hadn't even known. He really was that good. He came to me almost four years ago and admitted he had an addiction. he'd been so afraid that he'd lose us. Thing is, it never crossed my mind to leave him. My first thought was to help him through outpatient rehab.
Of course now I read that & see, "...fix him."
Hmmm...
H grew up in a very lax home and as an ADD without meds. ADD kids (teens and adults) have a tendency to self medicate. Which is what H did all the way through high school & most of his 20s. It's not an excuse, it's the only way he's known how to cope with his problems.
I don't have physical proof, other than the history he's been repeating for 25 years.
He swears he's not. I have no way of proving he is, so for now I guess I can only take his word for it.
eta--my main goal isn't to *prove* that he's doing anything. I just know (from experience) that unless he is clean, nothing will ever work. Not for him, not for us. I don't want to be right, I REALLY don't want to be right. I just want to make sure I have all the pieces of the puzzle. And right now my gut is telling me he's not being honest. Unless there is real proof, I can only trust him.
Last edited by shelbel; 05/12/1005:33 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Yes and no. When you show your H your negative reactions.... anger,sadness, guilt, whatever it may be, it is HE that uses it against you. Even if you feel it's justified. He will twist things around and use it against you. Sort of a "see! this is why I'm behaving this way" type of thing. They all do this.
Show him nothing but positives. Don't give him any more ammo.
Okay, I do have a question about this. He's said it twice now, that I just don't seem to care that he's gone. Once was when I was trying to diffuse & said, "I understand why you would be upset." His response was, "that the point! You're not upset at all!"
And again yesterday, when I wasn't arguing with him (which did happen, briefly) or when I was validating some of the things he was saying, he got upset and would make comments about how he wasn't going to "fake being happy" or "pretend that everything is fine".
Does he want me to feel like crap? Does he think that seeing me crushed is going to make him feel better?
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I just know (from experience) that unless he is clean, nothing will ever work. Not for him, not for us. I don't want to be right, I REALLY don't want to be right. I just want to make sure I have all the pieces of the puzzle. And right now my gut is telling me he's not being honest. Unless there is real proof, I can only trust him.
You are correct that things won’t be right if he is using. For any of you involved…
However, there are groups out there that can help you not be an enabler (since you really can’t force him to stop)…Alanon is a wonderful auxillary of AA, and it is for the family…
Your plans for you are good…
I had to laugh when I read you describe yourself, the sewing and such…
Could have been me typing that…Those were my hobbies…Parts of me that I had kept…
There is so much more now, that I don’t even have time for those things some day anymore…
Don’t let fear stop you from trying new things…
And your personal assessment of yourself, could have been a description of me as well…
While now I can be mistaken for a ten foot tall cat some days, most days, I am simply resemble a sweet little kitten…
People can change…
Everyone on these boards is living proof of that…
You will be too…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Okay, I do have a question about this. He's said it twice now, that I just don't seem to care that he's gone. Once was when I was trying to diffuse & said, "I understand why you would be upset." His response was, "that the point! You're not upset at all!"
And again yesterday, when I wasn't arguing with him (which did happen, briefly) or when I was validating some of the things he was saying, he got upset and would make comments about how he wasn't going to "fake being happy" or "pretend that everything is fine".
Does he want me to feel like crap? Does he think that seeing me crushed is going to make him feel better?
No, you're confusing him and he's showing it to you. Confusion is good. It makes them retreat and think things through, on some level.
Keep it up. Validating is great because they can't do anything other since you're agreeing with them. The feelings you leave them with are feelings of being understood.
Validation takes practice. The first time I tried it on H, it fell apart. He claimed I was just giving answers from a book, and he was right.
He claimed I was just giving answers from a book, and he was right.
That's almost funny--mine said something very similar yesterday. About my "Typing it all out." "However you write this all out." "That's how you're going to type it all out anyway."
It's almost enough to make me think he kept my DB book & found the forums. I know better, he has no internet access while there & these forums are my little secret weapon.
I'm sure it's just because he knows I'm a writer (by love if not by profession), and he *hates* that I'm on the internet.
I'm glad to hear that I'm doing that much right. It feels like he's just angrier at me for it. Maybe it just makes him angrier, period? Like you guys said, it has nothing to do with me. I almost want him to see me cry--like it's going to make him feel a little less alone. But I know that's not going to work, I'd been doing it for three years with no results.
So you got better at it because you had time to practice it, or because you really started to believe it? Or both?
I don't think he'd believe me very much if I told him some of the things I'd come to understand in the past three weeks. He was talking yesterday (hurt, angry talking) about how I had tried to control his life.
My answer was simple...
"You're right! I was. I thought I was doing the right thing and helping you, but I wasn't. I was just like everyone else who tried to make you be something you didn't want to be. And I had no right to do that."
There were a few seconds of silence on the phone. Then he launched into how I didn't support him when he changed majors last year...which isn't true. If anyone knows what a waste it is to spend $$ and time in a field you are not going to do well in, it's me. Better to decide one quarter in than after you have three years of student loans & a degree you won't use. kwim? So he's wrong in that respect, he had my complete support even when the rest of our families were not happy with him. But he's taken to rewriting history, too, so...okay, H. No point in arguing a moot point.
Oh yeah--another confession; I was pretty proud of myself for being soooo supportive of him during that change. I'm sure it came across as arrogance. It wasn't intended, but then again i wasn't looking at it from his POV, either.
Last edited by shelbel; 05/12/1007:01 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I'm glad to hear that I'm doing that much right. It feels like he's just angrier at me for it…
So you got better at it because you had time to practice it, or because you really started to believe it? Or both?
Validation, what you are referencing…
Is an art…
Some of us do it better than others…
Basically though, at least at the beginning, until you really believe what you are saying (which comes with time, forgivness, detatchment, and growth), can be as simple as saying “I understand that you feel that way..” and nothing more.
As far as him seeming angrier at you…
It is part of this…
Until he is ready to change himself, very little of what you do or say, is going to make him happy, or even less angry…
It might seem like it does and then can come back and bite you in the butt later…
Part of the animal of MLC…
So don’t do or say anything based on what you think his reaction might be, do it for YOU and you being true to yourself…
Originally Posted By: shelbel
I'm finding that MLC is a completely different animal than where I was.
It's like I brought bread crumbs to the duck pond, but ended up in the condor cage.
Woah.
MLC…is not for the faint of heart that is for sure…
I hope as you learn more, you will understand a little more the early posts you received…
Keep reading and asking questions…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I can't vouch for it, I marked this website a few days ago and am so addicted to DB.com that I never make it over there... but this man says he's an expert validator, whatever that means.
