H's memory was not good when he got back...he honestly thought he visited son a lot and that he called him as often as he could...he even missed his first speaking performance in a school play! He also told his sister that he was busy most weekends with S...I can count on ONE hand the number of visits he had with our S...
I think not only do they lose their mind, they lose all sense of time, space, place, people, and love...
I did tell him one time that he would wake up sober enough and realize that all his THINGS (he was spending a lot) would not replace his children and he would deeply regret all of it...I think they turn off as a self preservation of sorts...
You are truly incredible..what a very very lucky man.I told my H this would end in tears and even if he stays with ow..he has lost his beloved girls..my kids are not worth losing for anyone, anything....Lin remind me how long your H was with OW?
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
She lived in another state so when his money ran out so did his visits...they started online with an EA...all said it lasted not quite a year...
but mainly after I found out it sort of fizzled with OW because she had to face that I was not some non-caring wife...I told her my life story with H...of course she had lied (as instructed by H) about them actually having met in person...but she did cry and tell me she felt guilty...not sure how true that was...
also, I had H do a 3-way call with me silent on the other end when he told her he was breaking it off...of course he didn't want to...this was before I knew about DB'ing...but she was not happy when she found out I was listening in because she said some very personal things to him along with admitting that she truly loved him but would let him go if that is what he wanted.
He did contact her after he was home (but before he loved me again)...she was in another relationship (she pretty much dumped him when she found someone who didn't come with baggage!) and was happy but agreed to email with him but no phone calls...he didn't pursue that...I think he was feeling guilt about having her leave her husband and then not coming to live with her...I think he just needed to know she was okay...
But then mid December this past year, she emailed him! Wanted to know how our son was, our girls, ME, and especially how he was...of course at first he accused me of sending the email, stating she would not have done that...but then he realized it was her...he said he was not going to reply...so, I did!
I was nice...appologized for the really aweful things I said when I found out about her (I could have handled it with much more dignity and I had been regretting that, even though I was totally blind-sided)...told her we were doing very good and that H didn't want to have any contact with her and had shared her email with me because we don't have secrets anymore...and respectfully asked that she leave us in peace and respect our marriage that we were both recommitted to.
To my suprise she responded, appoligized for sending the email but said she was still in a relationship and very happy...but that she knew my H had been pretty sick and was concerned how he was doing...said her current fiance knew all about my H...she said she meant no disrespect by emailing and would respect our wishes and not attempt anymore contact...
And that was that...I am not sure but H might have blocked her...
But, my point is that even though they broke up...H didn't come home for over another year...just proving to me that SHE was not the problem, just a symptom...although busting the A was needed for him to progress through his own issues and for us to have a chance down the road...
Your H's behavior is much like my H would have been...you know once we were going to the movies and I invited him along for S...when our youngest D found out he was going she refused to go and called her grandma to pick her up...even though she knew he wouldn't talk to her...she would not even be in his company at all...and when he came home, she did not speak to him for about a year???...talk about angry and hurt...he had to deal with that as I was not going to get in the middle of that one...
All situations here have similarities and differences...they are truly unpredictable...there are signs you can look for but no guarantees...it really has to do with LOVE...true love that endures ALL things...it never ends...if there is not that kind of love then pretty good chance it won't work...if there is that kind of love then the odds are more in favor...but there are still 2 individuals involved in this...
You have to do what you can live with...and make sure you take care of yourself and the kids...always...the rest takes care of it's self
Lin, What an amazing story.Have you ever considered writing formally about it?Even a book of short stories(I am sure you know many and would get support here).I dont think there is still enough out there on MLC,Infidelity and how both can affect individuals and families.Especially on how hurt the children are, your real life sitch's. My concern is timing and the strength of power the OW has over my H. She is devious, vile, calculating and would do anything I believe to hold onto him.(remember she had a plan in place since May07 and got him Jul09).I am concerned if I start ctcg him, he will become confused and more unstable.
I told him I would not play with his head the way she had and if it what he wanted, i would let him go cos I loved him.Beyond that first night I have never shouted at him, blamed him, stopped him from seeing his kids.
What do I know for a fact that is positive:
He never left me in April when I suspected the A.It was the only night he spent at hers.(this is when I suspected the mobile phone was hiding something).
He said at a night out to a colleague when she was hanging around him..I cant get rid of her.Not a nice way to talk about woman you are having an A with(end May)
H dumped her the week before I found out saying he wanted to make it work with his W. He didnt want to leave the night I discovered txts(TELLING HER NOT TO TXT HIM)and A. Said he hadnt planned to leave us and loved me and would always love me. Said we had a great 28 years. Loved his children beyond all doubt. He said there was nothing worth what was happening when A exposed. The night of A exposure said didnt know if he loved her but was not in love with her. Its been 9 weeks since he txt about D.
I have home,kids history and marriage cert.
Negatives
Said within week loved her, was in love and she made him happy despite he hadnt spent the time I thought with her.(his words)
She feeds his additcion and is prepared to do what I wouldnt do.
She gave him a roof, food and a car when he needed it most.
He is telling his friend life has never been better.
but.. has never spoken to his father about her or sitch in any way shape or form. (would have thought he would say sorry but I love her and not in love with Jac anymore.) Has not told anyone in work about sitch in fact old neighbour asked for us and he said we were fine! and would pass on her regards.
There has been no ctc and he is still there.
Another friend who knows the Ow said to me this isnt finished..she is pure evil.
She is a female philanderer..would love to see me ask him back, definitelyy narcissitic personality.
She doesnt know or understand about cdg.
I think this A may have to run its course.He txt her for 9 months.I think it was closer to a year b4 bomb and living with her for 10 mths..he could be happy despite what I think...min 19 mths he has been in EA/PA could be over 20 mths..God this is torture.. Lin thanks for listeng..think about writing.(((hugs)))
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Jac, I just read your entire thread & I really think you should at least draft up some sort of email letting him know that you still love him and still want him to come home if he ever decides to go that route. So what, if he says no. He may say no, but then the seed is planted & who knows what may happen down the road. Right now, he DOESN'T KNOW he is welcome to come home. You need to tell him that if you ever want him to think about it.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for the vote of confidence...I don't think I could do that though and certainly would not want to have anyone that H and I know get hold of it and read it...for as much as I did talk with friends and family there is still much they don't know, nor need to ever know...
I understand about the OW...but I still think if your H thought for a moment that he could have you back he would drop her like a hot potato...just so much in what you have said about your relationship tells me that it was the enduring kind of love...not the habit kind...
Something I haven't shared with you...I found out that one of my boyfriends before H, is a crossdresser...he was the best man at our wedding and H's best friend for many years(H refuses to believe it)...we shared a house with him and his first wife and kids...he went out on her more then once and she finally had enough and D'ed him...now she is my SIL...she married my brother...she never knew of crossdressing until many years later the rumours started...neither of us could believe it...but several sources including family confirmed it...
Lin,I thhink you could still write under psuedo names however I understand your concern. The cdg is the real issue in all of this because I believe it is key to the MLC and to what the other woman uses to hold onto my H.I cannot compete with her vile,nasty way and I am not as confident as you guys that he would drop her..she did take him in when he needed a home and I belive he is too much of a coward to dump her.The A has tarnished his reputation significantly and I am not sure that he would see leaving her as a positive at the moment.I want to take your advice but I am not sure I have the strength.I think a rejection now would set me back quite a bit and I have to get back to work to provide for my two girls. You are all right at what you say..but I am not sure he hasnt now fallen out o love. Yes Lin I believed our love was the enduring lasting forever kinda love but his behaviour doesnt say that and maybe I am wrong about the MLC.i doubt myself so much and my ability to read him now... Thank you all so much for your comments I need to reflect.. We have my brothers wedding on 1st Jul and H was supposed to be bestman.My b was devestated when he heard the news.It really hrut him too.I dont think he will come back or show any appetite pre wedding.(((hugs)))
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
I understand that you can only do what you can do...and I understand being afraid of rejection...you see, I didn't get the chance to make my H leave when I found out about the A...he had already left running out the door...add to that, that he said he didn't love me anymore as a wife...cared about me because I was the mother of his children and they needed me but not as a person in general(ouch!)...told me he would never be able to live with me...and was fairly sure he would never live in the same town with me again...I felt so guilty for so long when he wouldn't see our son because I really thought it was ME!...
I did extend my hand to him so many times...one that is vivid is just 3 days before our D would have been final I called and asked if he would meet me to talk. He agreed. I told him I was not sure that D was really the answer. He reiterated that he didn't love me but he wasn't looking to get remarried now either so it didn't matter to him...I asked if we might try to work things out, at least spend some time together having fun like we used to...he said that would be okay...he appeared before the judge with me asking that the D be set aside...left the court house and I didn't hear or see him for 5 months and then it was only because the car repo people called me to find him...I didn't have an address but knew the city he lived in...I talked with the nice lady for a while and she kindly gave me the address she had on him!!! I had stayed home from work that day with the flu, throwing up sick...but I got up, got dressed, and drove the 2 or so hours to his house...he was gone when I arrived so I went to the park down the street and layed down for a nap...when I got up and returned he was home...I had D papers in hand and was refiling...he refused to open the door...I slid open his window, reached in and unlocked the door and proceeded to push my way in...told him that he was going to sign my papers before I would leave...
H threatened to call the police on me...I told him to go ahead, I am sure the kids would love that phone call!...he backed down and took the papers, signed them, and asked me to leave because he didn't want a memory of me in his house (double ouch)
I asked if we could get some coffee or tea before my long drive home and he agreed...we walked to the beach where I just broke down completely, asking how he could hate me so much, how he could throw away over 27 years of a wonderful friendship, how he could break our family apart??? He didn't have answers but he was positive that getting a D was okay because he was now certain that we could never be together again...I really thought I had blown it...I sat there blubbering for at least 2 hours...I needed to use the restroom and he wouldn't even let me use his...told me that I could go to the coffee house and then head on home!
You would think I would have given up, right???...nope, I am stubborn and just knew there was no way were meant to be D but i had the signed papers and I once again filed...
Didn't hear from H for several more months...then out of the blue he called and said he was moving back to the area, would be sharing an apartment with a friend...again, I was not allowed to know his address...I asked why the change and he said he wanted to be closer to S...after nearly a year and half, now he is missing his S???...
So he moved back...came by a few times to see S...would talk to me...I would invite him in for dinner...always made sure it was one of his favorites when I knew he was coming for S...and little by little he started seeing that my changes were real...and that I had become a much stronger person...I was supporting myself and S without his help...I was GAL and doing things including going on vacations...and we started talking more...one night, I just said, "Do you EVER think about us?"...and for the first time he said, "Yes, sometimes."...that was the first sign of hope I saw...
Eventually he was coming to see me...but he was not doing well emotionally or physically...he ended up getting kicked out of his apartment and was living in his office...he had invited me to help with his business so I did when I could...then I asked if he would be designated driver to a concert...he agreed...he got smashed at the concert(some designated driver) and in doing so started being affectionate to me...he even kissed me!!! I almost fell over...we parked nearby to sober up before driving and spent hours in the car with him unable to keep his hands off of me...he cried, sobbed...said he had never stopped loving me...he felt he didn't not deserve my forgiveness and wanted me to be free to make my own choice...
Well, as things go, the next morning, he remembered nothing of the night before...said he didn't love me...didn't hate me...just didn't have any feeling for me at all...I was crushed but not ready to give up...the things he said when drunk had to have meant something...those feelings had to be in there somewhere...he agreed to start seeing me, to see if he could love me...to do the right thing for the family (and himself since he had no place to go and was losing his office!)...so slowly he came home (younger D almost moved out, it was a very hard time for all)...
So after all of that...it still took a year of living at home, being with me, before he could say that he felt love for me again...initially he said it made his skin crawl when I touched him...being that he was a victim of sexual and physical abuse when he was young I felt that his childhood coupled with getting older was really taking it's toll on him...
We got him into rehab (another long story), got him counseling and AD meds, got him a physical and diabetic meds along with a few other meds for those of us getting older...
And here we are, 3 years later and if you met us you would never know what we had just been through!!!
So, yeah...I know about rejection...I know the pain...but like they say, no pain-no gain...I think you will know when the time is right...and if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
Lin, I dont know what to say..incredible as I continue to hear more of you story, doesnt seem enough and I truly believe you dont think of it as anything special, its what a wife who really loved their husband would do...I mean really love.Thank you for sharing this with me.I am shedding a tear as I read your story. My D's want me to divorce my H and move on.They gave said they will move out if he moves back.This shows again the role you played was not only totally selfless, it was a sitch where love was your glue and your children seeing this no doubt thought if mum can do it we can.. I am not sure if I am strong enough for this at the mo.People always tell me I am a strong woman but I dont feel strong right now.I dont doubt That I love my H but the sitch is difficult and I also have to think what is right for the girls.I have to accept my H may eventually want to change his gender(I dont think it will come to this, the fog and confusion, the depression all playing a part)but I have to think worst case scenario..and through trying to understand the thoughts he put on paper. Your words have helped give me a sense of persective on rejection and I already said in an earlier post..I may have to accept that he has found love elsewhere in which case letting him go is the answer, to be happy because I love him..I find this approach easier...I wish more people would look at their marriages and the vows that are part,in the way you do..there is just not enough of you in this world because it would be a much better place if there was.God Bless.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
And sometimes you have to love them enough to know what is best for them when they don't...something to think about...
Yes, it was tough with my youngest D...I cried at the thought that she might move...even told H if it came to that he might need to move out for a while and work on his relationship with her...losing my children was never part of the deal for me...but she eventually came around when she saw that H was really was "back"
I know you have a sensitive situation...but why file for divorce if he doesn't? And do you really think he wants to be female? That is a much bigger issue then cdg!
