I understand that you can only do what you can do...and I understand being afraid of rejection...you see, I didn't get the chance to make my H leave when I found out about the A...he had already left running out the door...add to that, that he said he didn't love me anymore as a wife...cared about me because I was the mother of his children and they needed me but not as a person in general(ouch!)...told me he would never be able to live with me...and was fairly sure he would never live in the same town with me again...I felt so guilty for so long when he wouldn't see our son because I really thought it was ME!...
I did extend my hand to him so many times...one that is vivid is just 3 days before our D would have been final I called and asked if he would meet me to talk. He agreed. I told him I was not sure that D was really the answer. He reiterated that he didn't love me but he wasn't looking to get remarried now either so it didn't matter to him...I asked if we might try to work things out, at least spend some time together having fun like we used to...he said that would be okay...he appeared before the judge with me asking that the D be set aside...left the court house and I didn't hear or see him for 5 months and then it was only because the car repo people called me to find him...I didn't have an address but knew the city he lived in...I talked with the nice lady for a while and she kindly gave me the address she had on him!!! I had stayed home from work that day with the flu, throwing up sick...but I got up, got dressed, and drove the 2 or so hours to his house...he was gone when I arrived so I went to the park down the street and layed down for a nap...when I got up and returned he was home...I had D papers in hand and was refiling...he refused to open the door...I slid open his window, reached in and unlocked the door and proceeded to push my way in...told him that he was going to sign my papers before I would leave...
H threatened to call the police on me...I told him to go ahead, I am sure the kids would love that phone call!...he backed down and took the papers, signed them, and asked me to leave because he didn't want a memory of me in his house (double ouch)
I asked if we could get some coffee or tea before my long drive home and he agreed...we walked to the beach where I just broke down completely, asking how he could hate me so much, how he could throw away over 27 years of a wonderful friendship, how he could break our family apart??? He didn't have answers but he was positive that getting a D was okay because he was now certain that we could never be together again...I really thought I had blown it...I sat there blubbering for at least 2 hours...I needed to use the restroom and he wouldn't even let me use his...told me that I could go to the coffee house and then head on home!
You would think I would have given up, right???...nope, I am stubborn and just knew there was no way were meant to be D but i had the signed papers and I once again filed...
Didn't hear from H for several more months...then out of the blue he called and said he was moving back to the area, would be sharing an apartment with a friend...again, I was not allowed to know his address...I asked why the change and he said he wanted to be closer to S...after nearly a year and half, now he is missing his S???...
So he moved back...came by a few times to see S...would talk to me...I would invite him in for dinner...always made sure it was one of his favorites when I knew he was coming for S...and little by little he started seeing that my changes were real...and that I had become a much stronger person...I was supporting myself and S without his help...I was GAL and doing things including going on vacations...and we started talking more...one night, I just said, "Do you EVER think about us?"...and for the first time he said, "Yes, sometimes."...that was the first sign of hope I saw...
Eventually he was coming to see me...but he was not doing well emotionally or physically...he ended up getting kicked out of his apartment and was living in his office...he had invited me to help with his business so I did when I could...then I asked if he would be designated driver to a concert...he agreed...he got smashed at the concert(some designated driver) and in doing so started being affectionate to me...he even kissed me!!! I almost fell over...we parked nearby to sober up before driving and spent hours in the car with him unable to keep his hands off of me...he cried, sobbed...said he had never stopped loving me...he felt he didn't not deserve my forgiveness and wanted me to be free to make my own choice...
Well, as things go, the next morning, he remembered nothing of the night before...said he didn't love me...didn't hate me...just didn't have any feeling for me at all...I was crushed but not ready to give up...the things he said when drunk had to have meant something...those feelings had to be in there somewhere...he agreed to start seeing me, to see if he could love me...to do the right thing for the family (and himself since he had no place to go and was losing his office!)...so slowly he came home (younger D almost moved out, it was a very hard time for all)...
So after all of that...it still took a year of living at home, being with me, before he could say that he felt love for me again...initially he said it made his skin crawl when I touched him...being that he was a victim of sexual and physical abuse when he was young I felt that his childhood coupled with getting older was really taking it's toll on him...
We got him into rehab (another long story), got him counseling and AD meds, got him a physical and diabetic meds along with a few other meds for those of us getting older...
And here we are, 3 years later and if you met us you would never know what we had just been through!!!
So, yeah...I know about rejection...I know the pain...but like they say, no pain-no gain...I think you will know when the time is right...and if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
