So this is why you are advocating changing how they think of us? And you are saying the GAL< the drop the rope, and the agreeing iwth them acheives this? I"m at the point I'll try anything as what I"m doing is not working! Anything else?
Yes- GAL
Yes - Drop the Rope (Be the change you wish to see in the world - Ghandi)
Yes - Agree (he can't argue if you agree with him, be sincere and have healthy boundaries)
Anything else? - Find yourself, love yourself, be responsible for your feelings, thoughts and actions. Thrive in this time of turmoil. Know that you will be OK no matter what. Find your voice.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes you are all correct. Thank you. I am working on a new plan - will catch up later. Cool, accepting, loving self. All things I have not done yet. Time to get into action!
Hope, if you can achieve some personal healing this whole situation will be less painful for you. Sending you wishes for the strength to work on that. hugs.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hope, have you ever read the thread : Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II) in Newcomers?
There are some real gems in there:
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard. BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.
Going dark is for YOU, and not to get a reaction out of HIM. It's like building a little safety cuccoon around yourself. It's like hiding in a trench while the battle ensues overhead. Just wait it out, it sucks, but his ammo will be weakened when he can't hit the target - you. Keep walking away and calming yourself. DOn't y to get him to hear you. There will be time for that later.
There really are some wise folks in this forum
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am starting to take care of myself better. My new IC got me on a program to start exercising. I told her I have zero motivation when I"m depressed so we planned for me to call some friends an d set up hiking times. Got out this morning with a friend! I wanted to back to bed, but now I"m up!
Also have been trying to get a job now for many months. NOt happening. Have an idea for starting my own business. I'm scared, but I promise myself today to start working toward the goal!
I also stayed dim monday night when H was here - stayed in my room. First I messed up by asking if he wanted to watch a movie and he said no he had to work, then I noticed all night he was watching tv anyhow. Usually that would hurt me and I would probably go in and watch with him anyhow, but I remained distant in my own room instead.
Somehow this is progress, although it feel like accepting doom!
Way to go Hope! So glad to read about your exercising GAL...hiking is so healing.
I can't say I recommend starting a business in your sitch. So much better for you to leave the home and go to a workplace where there are other people -- becomes part of GAL.
Good for you for striving towards dim. It's good that you recognized that asking him to watch a movie is pursuing. You can just strike that off your list of how to interact with him
Cheering you on (((Hope)))!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I saw nothing wrong with asking your H if he wanted to watch a movie..Detaching in not ingnoring in my book. However what you did after was great. You asked... he declined and you acted "as if" GOOD WORK lady... Hiking it great here in Calif...pleanty of places up her north of S.F
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Of late I'm no longer inviting H places even though he was accepting occasionally and we were going out and having fun. Still there is lots of weird, frequent communication and no one is detached, even though we do not exchange child duty every day. These situations are hard. There is no magic Detach button. Good luck. I think part of your H's wall is maintained by him having to see you so much maybe. It's become a routine way for him to "stay dim" while around you and not be uncomfortable. Don't know what can be done. Lately I'm fresh out of ideas!
