I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

You guys are killing me here. Thank you, Mach. I do appreciate it.

I've been known for going full on b!tch when it comes to standing up against...whatever. Unfortunately, I think I used that power against H instead of using it to fight for him.

I will use it for good. Just as soon as I stop crying. Yes, I'm crying. I'll admit it. And I need to stop. It's upsetting the kids & I have to go to work tomorrow. It's kind of hard to look like a professional who is handling her personal life well when your eyelids look like button mushrooms.


Thank you, Eric. Too bad I can't go edit the title of my thread. I'd call it, "Boy, did I eff up!" or something.

I had no idea how badly until I got here. Ugh.

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I pray that this happens, soon.

It will once you realize a few things...

And THAT is why I feel stupid. And wrong. And sick to my stomach

Your going to go thru a host of feelings dear...a host..some that you will need to FEEL.

There is no easy way around this Shel..none. This is going to be hard, it is going to push you, it is going to change YOU if you allow it to.

So can you tell me - what do you want to do for YOU during this time? What are some of your plans? What hobbies do you have?

God Bless,
Eric

[fisherman]

I've been known for going full on b!tch when it comes to standing up against...whatever. Unfortunately, I think I used that power against H instead of using it to fight for him.

Yes and no. When you show your H your negative reactions.... anger,sadness, guilt, whatever it may be, it is HE that uses it against you. Even if you feel it's justified. He will twist things around and use it against you. Sort of a "see! this is why I'm behaving this way" type of thing. They all do this.

Show him nothing but positives. Don't give him any more ammo.

[cat04]

Shel,

While you have accused people of being snarky, one thing you need to realize here in MLC is that most of us tend not to sugar coat things.

And many of the posters have read “I didn’t know” or “I won’t do it again because…”, to see the same behavior being repeated and repeated and repeated. So just because you say it once doesn’t mean that it will not be readdressed by more than one person…

As far as what you do now?

You work on YOU…

So you gave him an ultimatum…

Maybe that will change for you in time, but for now, just don’t say it again…

Listen to those posting to you…

The guys, they DO read the entire thread, just like I do, and yes, we will pick and choose what stands out as red flags…

And they do their best to stick with the women and our long winded posts LOL.

You will receive as much encouragement here as you will constructive criticism…

It is up to you how to handle it…

If something comes across as controlling, abusive, snarky, or “stings” then you maybe need to look at what is inside and why it makes you feel that way, before you jump off the deep end and push people, people who really can help you away…

We have all been there, we have all had to learn…

Learn more, then do better…

[figgeroni]

so instead of focusign on how you f'ed up
focus on the stuff you can do

what you can control

there is a lot you can control
even though it doesn't feel like it

you can't control him but you can control your actions

I love the muppets
in the muppet christmas carol (bear with me) Gonzo and Rizzo have an interaction

Rizzo forgot his jellybeans on the other side of this huge fence that that just struggled mightly to get over

Gonzo looks at the huge fence and you can almost imagine seeing all the frustration of having to try to get back over it to get the jellybeans and then get over it again

Rizzo walks past him and crawls through the gate at the bottom and grabs his jellybeans and crawls back through

GOnzo's mouth is wide open
there is a beat
and Gonzo starts in all flustered and messing up words and Rizzo looks at him and kisses him on the nose and moves on

Cori and I argue and misunderstand each other
when we finally reach that moment where I am looking at him or he is looking at me like what kind of idiot goes through all this work when they just could have done xyz...we look at the other person and kiss their nose

we call it a gonzo kiss

remember...no matter how obvious the answer seems to you or how ridiculous it seems that they are going through all this stuff when really all they have to do is walk over

they don't see it that way

you might not either

you might be fighting so hard against something that you miss the obvious moments

give yourself gonzo kisses

it is disarming (although sometimes maddening)

get off the 6 month timeline

it is done
over
no redos

move on to what you can do with this time

[Marked&Healed]

And THAT is why I feel stupid. And wrong. And sick to my stomach.

No, not stupid, just wrong, and just uninformed.
Now you have directions to go, go there.

I also started off wrong, I exposed H's A b/c that is what the very wise, very helpful, very nice people over on the infidelity forum told me to do. This is my H's second A... it wasn't until someone on that thread directed me to a website that described my H to a "t" (as you described earlier) that I began to see that this time is different... but now I get it and it's been months and I have lost that time... but I trust that I didn't do any damage that can't be undone.

Trust in that yourself. Find time for yourself. I know I spend WAY too much time reading and absorbing, printing out material, highlighting it, and re-reading it... but I think my learning curve has benefited from all of that. I took off a few days from work to spend on myself, maybe you can do something similar? It really helped me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Shel,

Is your husband, with REAL proof on your part abusing substances right now? If he is currently I fully agree with Fig.

Yeah I know Fig...2012 gets closer all the time : )

PS Eric asked some really good questions: What are you doing for you? Hobbies and such?

What did you used to enjoy, what did you give up to be a wife that you enjoyed and could get back into...dating is NOT one of them we advocate here BTW : )

That Bitchiness? Use it, focus that inward to steel yourself. Refine yourself in this hellfire. Iron becomes steel and you will become a stronger women for this.

And that...


That is attractive. Confidence.

[figgeroni]

i may or may not have fallen off my chair while choking on my pisscold coffee and yes I know pee isn't cold but ice cold is cliche

[beingreal]

Ah... hobbies. Ummmm. yeah....

I knit. And crochet. And read. Other than that, I don't remember. It's been so long since I've done anything for myself. I love to cook & garden, although I'm not very good at it. I have been writing a column for our local paper & would like to start doing some free lance work. So far I've not managed much writing. Except here & my journal.


There are a number of things I need to work on...

~Like being too independent. There is a difference between being a self-sufficient, confident woman and acting like Xena, Warrior Princess. I took it to an extreme, and boy was I proud of myself. I realized a few years ago how much that *probably* hurt & tried to change. By that point H saw it as condescending. I didn't realize the full extent of that hurt until recently. So...being strong without being a b!tch. That's a goal.

~I am controlling, I will admit it. I think part of that is from being completely under someone else's control. I have to know every last detail of what is going on in my life. I micromanage my life. Heck, I'm that nut who starts Christmas shopping in March. I just have to be three steps ahead in ever aspect. Another big problem when dealing with a MLCer. I need to let go & just roll with the punches.

~I have a temper. Probably for the same reasons. And a razor tongue to go with it. The closer I am to a person, the more damage I can inflict. I am in no way proud of that. My muzzle is usually on tight. I'm working on not needing my internal filters on overdrive because I'm trying to turn the "b!tch switch " off in my brain.

~Believe it or not, I am far too tender hearted. It's there, under that hardened shell. I hate it when it is exposed. Like now. lol I don't know that it's really a problem, though. Maybe in the respect that I tend to get overly involved in other people's problems.



I'm sure there are more, this is exhausting. And first things first, right?

So my work order for me is

~Be strong without be abrasive.
~Not try to control things I have no control over, and have no business trying to control
~Not just not say mean things, but don't think them either. Give people the benefit of the doubt more.
~Stop becoming overly involved in someone else's problem.


All of this just goes straight back to the *detach* article on Livestrong (see...I really was reading!)

So my first lesson--detach, defuse & just breathe.

[beingreal]

And thank you to everyone for chiming in, whether it was warm & fuzzy or bitey but real. I do take them to heart, whether I like the way it's worded or not.

I'm not intentionally ignoring anyone's posts or questions...you guys just go really fast.

Not that I'm complaining...keep it coming. I'm pretty sure I can handle it now.