Introducing myself and describing my situation

[fudwoman]

Hello all,
You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not up on all of the acronyms etc. of the board but I am here for the same reason as all the rest of you - the marriage reaper has knocked on my door. So here's the story:

I have been married for 19 years. We have 3 children ages 7yrs (DS), almost 6yrs (DS) and almost 4 yrs(DD). We have had a rocky marriage at times - separated twice before and one more time very close to separating but it didn't actually happen. We also have had many years of therapy. Over the past 7 years however, since having children we've done ZERO work on our marriage and have really neglected it (e.g., little if any sex, no real active problem-solving). When we've separated before it's been much the same - my husband got to a breaking point and then completely withdrew. It's a tight box he puts himself in - connecting with me equals a lack of safety so any attempt to reconcile is a threat. The only way we've been able to move past this before is basically through physical separation but given the kids and finances that is not particularly feasible at this time. I should clarify that the main issue (I believe) in our marriage is my explosive anger and downright meanness at times which I have spewed at both our kids and my husband. On April 3rd we went out on a date (first in a long time) to celebrate our 19th anniversary and that's when my husband told me I was out of his heart and that he felt completely disconnected from me. I asked if this was similar to what had happened to us in the past and he said it was different because this time he feels numb - nothing for me - not sure I believe that but I'm certainly not in his body so I can't know that for certain. All I know is that it's pretty darn identical to how things have gone down in the past. I was devastated and began begging and suggesting we go to therapy - a typical reaction for me (big abandonment fears over here). He was initially ok with therapy then he backed out - then I backed out and then he requested that I refrain from asking him anything about the marriage or about his feelings. I quickly went to the Internet and Googled something like 'saving a marriage even when one person doesn't want to' and I ended up at a site called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. I quickly downloaded his book, read the entire thing and found it very helpful (some similarities with DB). I followed his strategy for a while which is basically to back off and not pursue the partner who wants out but to casually ask them out on non-romantic dates. I kept things light and friendly and it actually did improve our interactions tremendously. I also simultaneously spied on my husband via his computer (bad idea) and got to read a bit of his thoughts. So where are we today? A little over 5 weeks later we are at somewhat of a standstill. He is friendly toward me and asks how my day has gone (a change from the first few weeks) and we of course have to deal daily with the ups and downs and frustrations of managing the kids but there is no affection between us. He watches TV every night and is obsessed with learning to play hockey (something that began before this all erupted). He will invite me to watch a movie with him but that's about it. We sleep in the same bed and we are both still wearing our wedding rings but we're in an odd holding pattern. This I will say is definitely a departure from what we've ever experienced before. I do see an individual therapist and I hired a DB coach (have had one session). On the GAL front I have been meditating 15 minutes every day and have been attending a meditation group on Wednesday nights. I have seriously curbed my yelling behaviors at the kids but anger remains an issue for me. I am committed to working on my anger issues (through a workbook) with my therapist. I am clear that anger has been destroying my life in a multitude of arenas and that I need to get that issue under control regardless of what transpires with my marriage. So that's my story.

What am I looking for from this board? Well, some general support and camaraderie and a place to not feel so alone about my situation (I have told very few people). Also, any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening.

I look forward to meeting you all.

A