Mila, please forgive the thread-jack, seem to be doing that today.
CW - Absolutely, it just seemed as I prayed it that I was being selfish, trying to control H through using the power of prayer. Something told me that H has to go through this and stopping it would just make things worse for both of us.
I have been working on changing the prayer and I think I will add it to my daily prayers soon, but the prayer I will be saying will be more like asking the Father to put a hedge of thorns around my H WHEN he is ready to come back, but in the meantime, to work on H's HEART so that I am in there in his dreams and his thoughts - confusing him, maybe, but in his HEART so his thoughts will follow. Remember, God gives us free will and will not tamper with that.
I have a friend, a sister in Christ, who said this to me in an email recently. She was M to a very abusive alcoholic who could not/would not change, and she said this: "I remember when I prayed for years over my divorce. It took God FOREVER to get me to say, "If You want me to stay in this marriage, I will, but please oh please oh please don't make me stay". There was no way I was going to give God control in that area because I was terrified He'd make me stay, but He pressed me and pressed me and pressed me and it was incredibly frightening for me to trust Him with that. For a couple of years, that's the best I could say in my prayer and mean it in my heart. Finally, He began to press me to modify that prayer a little and I remember sobbing because my heart was frozen with fear. What His Spirit was prompting me to pray was "If You want me to stay in this marriage I will" PERIOD. No "but please oh please oh please oh please don't make me stay". Geez, just remembering that blows me way because for me, I knew I couldn't stay and I was so afraid He'd make me."
That was something I had to get to myself, and I have not entirely committed to saying this prayer, but my prayer was the same but opposite. My reply to her was...
I believe I also have to get to this point, but as you mentioned, in the reverse… “If You want me to end this marriage, to accept divorce, I will” I’m getting there, I’m close. I have said to Him many times, “You are enough, but please, let me have H also…” More and more, I’m saying just “You are enough” but not quite meaning it yet… maybe that’s what I have to get to. I don’t want to just say it without meaning it from my heart, and right now, if forced to choose, I would choose the Father, obviously, but darn it all, I still WANT H. The old H. I love that you wrote that to me because it’s something I have really been struggling with, and you put it so poignantly – I KNOW that is something He’s waiting on, and I KNOW He’s being patient with me, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that giving up on H entirely will mean I lose him forever… and the thing I’m most afraid of, I’m most afraid that I’ll be OK with that. Part of me is just not ready to give up on that belief that H and I joined by God and meant to be together. I want a chance to show him how good we can have it… and how much unconditional love I can give him and how I GET IT now what we need to do to be totally, completely happy .
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
SCh I love that... one day closer, I'll have to make that my mantra.
Mila, I just have a great feeling about what's happening with you... keep up your PMA and remember not to let it let you down if he goes around and around.
It's been so soon, only 1 year, so don't get your expectations up... but keep the hope up. I have good feelings!
SA, DG, HB, MH, CW, SCH & Kissak Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much strength you give me with your support...thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers...love you all
HB - Soooo sorry you got stuck without fuel. Hope it all worked out OK.
I did receive some business emails and I also received one which I have no idea what to think of.
Last year our business did some work for someone and part of the payment was a week at a dude ranch. We were supposed to go as a family this summer. So in his email he gives me the dates available and ads "please have a look at this, we need to plan it..."
What is he asking? How am I suppose to understand this? Does he only want to go with D, or am I included? Or is he planning to take OW? I have no idea what to reply to that. So I didn't yet...
So there you have it HB...an email mixing business and personal...
On the other hand OW's H still talks to me and it seems that she is determined and commited to go through with it even tho her H told her that he is proceeding with D, since there is infidelity he doesn't have to wait. She apparently said OK, and things like "I have to follow my heart". It's been confirmed, WH is there with her and apparently will be there over the weekend (2nd weekend there) so she told her H that she can't take the kids. Mother that is putting herself & her lover ahead of her children...but whatever she is not my concern...just feel sorry for the kids. Apparently she looked really tired & miserable this morning.
I'm concentrating on myself, trying not to read anything into any information I receive. Let the universe sort this out, my hope remains strong, I'm doing my part and the rest is out of my hands. I'm observing and really working hard on moving forward with my life. As you said HB, time will tell
SCH I love those little guys
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I agree with HB about not responding to the personal side of your H's email. Nothing is going to hit it home more for him than if you don't say anything about the ranch trip. It sounds like he is testing to see if you're still there waiting.
I'm sure he will be thinking about you and wondering why you haven't answered him on the subject. The more his mind is preoccupied by you the less attention ow will get.
I said before that this ow is wacked also and she has to be to leave her children. I can't imagine what it will be like for her when she finally wakes up.
Mila, hang in there, you're doing great! Prayers continue for you.
HB, I hope you didn't have a long wait to get fuel and back on the road again.
I would have such a hard time with that. I'd want to go on the trip to see if we could make connections... I'm so weak in that area. It's good that it's by email, you can set your mind to not answering and just do it.
