Mila, please forgive the thread-jack, seem to be doing that today.
CW - Absolutely, it just seemed as I prayed it that I was being selfish, trying to control H through using the power of prayer. Something told me that H has to go through this and stopping it would just make things worse for both of us.
I have been working on changing the prayer and I think I will add it to my daily prayers soon, but the prayer I will be saying will be more like asking the Father to put a hedge of thorns around my H WHEN he is ready to come back, but in the meantime, to work on H's HEART so that I am in there in his dreams and his thoughts - confusing him, maybe, but in his HEART so his thoughts will follow. Remember, God gives us free will and will not tamper with that.
I have a friend, a sister in Christ, who said this to me in an email recently. She was M to a very abusive alcoholic who could not/would not change, and she said this: "I remember when I prayed for years over my divorce. It took God FOREVER to get me to say, "If You want me to stay in this marriage, I will, but please oh please oh please don't make me stay". There was no way I was going to give God control in that area because I was terrified He'd make me stay, but He pressed me and pressed me and pressed me and it was incredibly frightening for me to trust Him with that. For a couple of years, that's the best I could say in my prayer and mean it in my heart. Finally, He began to press me to modify that prayer a little and I remember sobbing because my heart was frozen with fear. What His Spirit was prompting me to pray was "If You want me to stay in this marriage I will" PERIOD. No "but please oh please oh please oh please don't make me stay". Geez, just remembering that blows me way because for me, I knew I couldn't stay and I was so afraid He'd make me."
That was something I had to get to myself, and I have not entirely committed to saying this prayer, but my prayer was the same but opposite. My reply to her was...
I believe I also have to get to this point, but as you mentioned, in the reverse… “If You want me to end this marriage, to accept divorce, I will” I’m getting there, I’m close. I have said to Him many times, “You are enough, but please, let me have H also…” More and more, I’m saying just “You are enough” but not quite meaning it yet… maybe that’s what I have to get to. I don’t want to just say it without meaning it from my heart, and right now, if forced to choose, I would choose the Father, obviously, but darn it all, I still WANT H. The old H. I love that you wrote that to me because it’s something I have really been struggling with, and you put it so poignantly – I KNOW that is something He’s waiting on, and I KNOW He’s being patient with me, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that giving up on H entirely will mean I lose him forever… and the thing I’m most afraid of, I’m most afraid that I’ll be OK with that. Part of me is just not ready to give up on that belief that H and I joined by God and meant to be together. I want a chance to show him how good we can have it… and how much unconditional love I can give him and how I GET IT now what we need to do to be totally, completely happy .
