Hey there Shelbel, You are getting some fabulous advice over here.
I just want to comment on the abusive talk. You can not change him--that's not happening. He tries to engage you so he doesn't have to deal with his problems.
How to deal with it requires a change in you. You must learn to have a very neutral "script" or expression and you must leave his presence. Walk away and get busy--if he follows you, leave the house. If you are on the phone, say in a very neutral, quiet way, "I can't hear you when you are speaking to me this way. I hope we can have a better conversation later" and hang up.
If he says something like "You are so selfish" or "You are such a b*tch", my FAVORITE script is to say "Sometimes I am, and sometimes I'm not".
That stopped my H DEAD.lol. Love that one!! I only got to use it 2 times and it was so powerful he has NEVER said that sort of thing again!
Here are a few more:
"H, I don't like where this conversation is going and I am not prepared to discuss this".
"H, I need sanctuary now, please do not come in here again until you have calmed down."
"I need to cool off before we talk about this any further".
Be completely prepared to hang up, leave the house, or get busy doing other things. It is going to be tested--especially if he's gotten away with it for a while.
Your "list" of things is too controlling. You leave HIM to "think of the solution" by giving him what YOU need. It doesn't really matter "how" he gets those things to you, as long as you get them. (hitting himself in the head with a hammer, if it gets you what you want, is an option!lol)
"H, I need a man who takes care of himself so he can be a good father and husband"
Say it often--I tell you, it sinks in--always walk away though--don't let him get a hint of anything to focus on in you--let him only have THIS THOUGHT to focus on. Never say it where they can engage you in an argument about it. I say mine last thing before I hang up the phone or walk out the door.
Hope is a powerful thing--I pray you'll get some here. You are a nurse, think of him as being in a coma. How long would you wait for him to wake up?
Another fabulous book to add to your GREAT list, is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Very easy to understand, very powerful stuff.
