Why would someone feel left out if their partner was more interested in other people than him? It's about how they view the situation. I am by no means excusing Mr MF (pun intended) but you have to be able to see things from new perspectives. If his LL was QT then he sure would feel slighted. It also doesn't mean Mindfull changes who she is to accomodate a spouse just be aware of what the wants of your sig other are.
Yeah. I see where you are going with this. But if MF's LL was adoration, easy solution for both. While she is chatting it up with the party peeps, walk up, put hands/arms around, and brag up her new sales numbers, how she is dressed, or just how wonderful she is..... and mean it. Problem solved.
You get what you give.
--Fergie
I know this is way old guys, but just now being able to catch up.
This is where we have really no idea who's hurting who. It doesn't make it right to hurt the other person, but many times we hurt other's not realizing it because it wasn't something that we would care about. and that's why the 5 LLs are so important. Just to throw out examples, not saying this is Mr. mind or not, but let's say his is QT and if mind hadn't been cherishing their R then his anticipation of her giving attention to everyone at the party but him could give him feelings of hurt where he reacts by putting her down or not saying anything about how she looks (which may be her 5LL, thus destroying her). But see, what if mind wasn't giving attention to H because he stopped giving her compliments... it's the chicken/egg problem, and it's a cycle that we go round and round and round on until someone does something different.
What's sad is that most of the time we are waiting for the other person to make the change or step up, when we could be doing it ourselves, because we must remember, we cannot control the other person, but only ourselves.
Most the time, I truly believe people do things subconsciously and do knee-jerk reactions. Of course there are people that KNOW someones love language and uses it against them, and that of course is evil. But for most of us on here, we are BOTH hurting the other person, and most times we haven't a clue what we are doing because we generally have a different LL and therefore what hurts us, wouldn't hurt our spouse, and vice versa, so we are constantly unknowingly hurting the other person.
Why I bring this up Mind, is not to try to get you to reconcile, although you know me, I would still pray that someday your H pulls his head out, fixes himself, and becomes everything you've ever wanted, but I bring this up because most likely you, and others on here WILL one day be involved in another R, and we know that a 2nd marriage ends in D more than the first. We need to understand what is going on between our R's so that we can be successful in repairing problems (cause we will ALL have problems in ANY R), and creating successful Rs.
Mind, what has happened in this M, will continue into any other R that you develop in the future. I know that you've learned a lot, and you are a fighter for sure! I love how far you've come, and your patience thru it.
There is also something on my mind that I feel I should share, and mind please tell me if I'm wrong. there are many of you following mind's thread and I want everyone to have the best possible chance of restoring. We can all learn from each other's sitch. Mind, you have been in this for 2 years, and I read that you had inklings in the beginning of his possible A, but you never said anything about it. You also wrote a list about when to know if your done. I think those peices of advice were very sound advice. I would like to add, and this is probably against DB, but I feel it is imporant..that we must confront the spouse with the knowledge of the A. when the A is put out in the open, it does not become that secret fantasy anymore, and I believe (coming from other R books like michelle's) that they must know that you are aware or believe of something going on and that you are against it and it is wrong to both your vows, to God and to each other (in a very calm way, not blaming way). This is not about having R talks, which I totally disapprove of, but instead about stating your values and letting them know where you stand.
sorry if I kinda hijacked Mind, and I'm so sorry for everything you've gone thru, but look at this as an incredibly hard learning experience. You have made some great changes in your life and you can continue to make great changes. You've accomplished so much and you've been a great source of help to so many people. You are truly a blessing and you are going to create such a wonderful life for yourself because of how you are reacting to what life is throwing out at you.
you are greatly loved, and I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are of substantial worth and so beautiful!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
