Getting D faster than 4 minute mile,.

[MarathonMan]

Been reading for a few weeks, and about time to jump in. New to this, so sorry if I don't get all the abbreviations right.

M - 42
W - 31
M - 8 years, together 10.5 years
SD - 13
SD - 12
D - 6

Bomb dropped on 3/23. D filed on 5/10 - 90 wait period.

She wants to be on her own and take care of herself and the kids. She has been un-happy for a while and the kids are un-happy. Same story as most. So I did the usual begging, pleading, said I will change, just give us a chance. Of course, when you can tell they mean it, it hits you in the face like ice water, and you actually mean it, although we have done this same thing 3-4 time during our marriage. I wasn't totally blind to this, but it still was surprising that she was ready to talk D, right out of the gate.

Yes, I run Marathon's, and it takes a lot of my time during the training phases, sometimes that I drop the ball on her emotions. I could tell that this was happening during Feb/March. She spent a ton of time by herself in the bedroom watching TV and Movies, very edgy towards each other when we were out together. I even blew up on SD 13 when out to dinner one night for not putting the cell phone down. I looked to her for support, but there was none. It hit me then, that something was amiss, because she always supported me when dealing with the kids. Still, I know that M takes 2, so even though she blames me for wanting D, I'm man enough to realize that it was both, even though she won't admit it.

As for the SK's, its never been a perfect situation. They are very close to their Dad, and I have always just been Mom's husband. I have (and do) love them, and do for them, as my own. She mentioned that she has discussed with the 2 older girls. SD13 who is usually more distant, is now talking about everything to me, and SD12 whom used to talk about everything is being more distant (except when we are driving back from skating or such). D6 is blissfully un-ware. I'm sure she is starting to sense it, as we are not going out as a family, as much, still occassionally.

She wants to try and find a place (with settlement $$) that is very close, so the kids can stay in school. We have had friends that have filed like this, and reconcile before the 90 period was up, and she has mentioned this several times, but I am beginning to think this is just to make me complacent. She will not have any money until the settlement, so her plan is to stay in the house for the 90 and use her money to save for down payment and pay off her car. No OM that I can tell. I was the OM during her 1st M, and she regrets the way it happened (not that she got 1st D.) She has even put up the wedding ring on Craigs, which I detest, but have not said it.

I do want to reconcile, but am not holding my breath at this point. I have not mentioned the R for more than a week, and will keep that up. Currently I am DB'ing, but not sure if going about it right. I am detaching in a big way, ignoring most phone calls and emails/texts. Paying her little to no attention at home, perhaps even a little bit hateful towards her (without saying it). Still running and doing my thing, so getting out of the house is easy. When I am freindly, so is she. When I am distant, she is, but will generally make some small contact (if it benefits her, ie Kids, money, etc). She is still in the bedroom and I am mixed on this. One thing I AM doing that I probably shouldn't is letting her touch me during sleep. She does crave to be touched and held, and sometimes sleeps "far" away and more recently, been trying for snuggle time (not Sex). I've been allowing some (when awake enough to realize) but not allowing her to keep going. We are sexually compataible, so this was never issue, and had S since the bomb, but slacking off. She has been very good a manipulating my emotions, so this Stone Cold approach is easier for me at this point.

Thanks for reading and any suggestions. Sorry if this seems sorta cold, but that is where I'm at now. I do love the W that I married, and somehow lost in this thing called Marriage.

-MM

[MarathonMan]

She still communicates quite a lot. The more I detatch, the less she communicates and detaches.

[elvencat]

Just a question, but is your state one in which you can deny the divorce and get a court ordered waiting period for marital counseling? It'd probably tick her off, but if you really don't agree to the divorce, that may be an option to put a hold on things till you can figure out what you want to do.

[MarathonMan]

In Tennessee, so I don't think so.

She went and got the lawyer quickly, and planned everything she is wanting to do (she is totally the planning/make it happen type). She pretty much told me that she had made up her mind, and there is no changing it, even though I begged (past tense) for MC or individual MC, whatever. Her plan was to do this a)un-contested, with us agreeing on everything and "saving money" or b) she was going to get the lawyer to write up Seperation papers and begin the support process and spend more money to get to the same place. She keeps "reminding me" that it only takes one person in the M to get the D.

I could at anytime, deny the D and move it to Contested. I have not read anything about TN that would have a judge order MC.

[elvencat]

Wow, I guess I'm lucky being in Missouri. If H does the paperwork and I contest it, the judge can't order counseling, but could declare a 6 month waiting period, presumably for the spouses to try to work out their differences.

My H also informed me it only takes one person to get a divorce after I told him I didn't want it. He also told me, after I complained I was the last to know he wanted a divorce after telling his friends and family, that he only told me out of courtesy and he could have filed the papers at any time on his own. I think him acting like that was just his way of trying to prove to himself that he was completely in the right by not talking about our situation or trying to improve it.

After bomb2, he told me he'd give me as much time as I needed to deal with it and when I was ready, he'd help me file. I don't think he understands that I have no intention of ever filing any of the paperwork with or without him. He wants the divorce, not me, so he can do the work to make it happen.

Which, unfortunately, your W appears to have been completely ready to do.

I don't know your, or her, attitude about money, but could she be using the money as a shield to not have to deal with anything? If she scares you into not contesting by pointing out how much more expensive it would be, she wouldn't have to deal with any issues she doesn't want to. It looks like she's trying to keep control of the situation so she doesn't have to face anything that might change her mind.

[MarathonMan]

That really hits home for me cat. I've really not manned up to tell her NO enough about this entire situation. She wants her cake and eat it too. She is the type who must control her situation.

Now that she is in the house, she doesn't have to deal with any realities of her future. She is taken care of financally and I am doing most/all of the house chores and 75% of taking care of the kids.

I emailed her this morning to tell her that I want to talk about some things tonight. As soon as I did, shes calling me, asking what I'm thinking. She said it's not fair to leave her hanging all day - but this is EXACTLY what she did when she dropped the bomb on me.

I guess for me, the detachment is hard because she is so hot/cold around me at home. I can detach and GAL, but not sure if I should give the cold shoulder to her, or just speak to her in a "friendship" type manner.

Thanks for your reply, and I am praying for your sitch too.

[pearlharbr]

I don't think you really understand detachment MM. It's not about giving someone the cold shoulder. It's about letting go of the outcome and do whatever you want to or would ordinarily do anyway, regardless of the other person. If you're giving your W the silent treatment or completely ignoring her then your actions are still about her. If you are detached then you're going about your daily life doing what makes you happy and doing what is best for the kids and not letting what your W does or doesn't do interfere with that.

This is a great article that really explains detachment well.

IMHO, you should show her the door. If she wants to be D then she should experience the consequences of that choice. She gets her own place, you split custody and start using that extra time you now have without the kids to try something different. I understand that you love running but it's time to shake things up. Perhaps you will find something else that you love that isn't as time consuming as marathon training.

[MarathonMan]

Thanks for the advice. I am still in the early stages of this, so I am evolving, as much as anyone.

I emailed her this morning about moving out, and gave her some of my ideas. I'm definatily moving her out of the bedroom tonight. She replyed back almost instantly, saying she will file a motion (she's calling the lawyer now) and asked when I will give her the settlement check.

[Hopeful728]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My H just informed me-via e-mail- last night that he is done and wants a D. He doesn't feel anything for me, other than physical attraction.

According to him, we rushed into marriage and have been trying to make up for that mistake ever since. He feels that there is no way to fix our marriage and our only option is D. I never thought I would be going through this and feel so lost.

I guess it helps somewhat to get on here and hear from other people and know that unfortunately I'm not the only one going through this.

[elvencat]

Thanks for the prayers for my sitch.

What kind of motion? I thought nothing would be set for 90 days?