Whew!!! I am going to say some things and I hope you take them with the love they were meant with. I’m saying them to help you and you need some real help right now. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, so do not feel like you’re different… dealing with marital problems is hard enough without dealing with ADHD, etc.
You are pursuing, you are allowing him to bait you, and you’re saying some pretty hurtful things in return. Would you treat your children that way? No way, right? Treat your H like he is a child, because right now, he is.
First things first, many people I believe forget this because this is the MLC forum and the book doesn’t say much specifically about MLC, BUT please get Divorce Remedy and read it – TWICE. It’s a HUGE key to your success. The techniques in there and much of what you will have to do you will just “get it” after reading and absorbing that book.
Forget about the OW for now, if she is or is not pursuing your H, if you focus on her instead of yourself, you’ll just make her look better and push him towards her. I know it’s hard, but it’s true.
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My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.
THIS is a huge item for you. What would you be doing to improve your self esteem? What is it that makes you YOU? Can you draw, read, fix things, cook, weld, be a great mom, whatever it is, make a list and post it here… We want to see your “I’m going to do these things to make myself happy” list. Goals are important, very important.
DO NOT tell your H that you are changing or going to change, just do it. He won’t trust you and will just think you’re trying to manipulate him if you tell him. You know the saying “actions speak louder than words?” Well, that totally applies here.
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This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?"
This sounds like he feels a need to have communication with you, to feel heard. He’s not feeling heard, and I can see why, you need to work on your validation. My H also said that OW listens to him, which was a shock to me since he is not a talkative person, but I thought back and when we were first together, we talked about everything. Things changed when my step kids moved into our house.. so your H is the same, he needs talk. Start by listening to him when he does talk to you, even if what he is saying is hurtful.
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He won't have sex with me and hasn't for the past 2 years and although I am 103 lbs. and not bad looking and do take care of my appearance he thinks I have "let myself go".
He may be using this to make you feel bad about yourself, or he may not feel close enough to you to share. I know they say men need sex to feel close to their women, but my H is sometimes the opposite, he needs to feel close and then has sex.
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He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.
This is good, both that he started opening up to you and that he told you he doesn’t feel you comfort him. Now you know what he needs and can address him… learn to validate, and make him feel comforted.
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He tells me that I never listen to him and that he has told me time and again what he needs and I do everything but that.
Again, he’s telling you what he needs, start meeting those needs. I don’t understand because I don’t have it, how does ADHD stop you from listening to him or validating him?
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He told me that he doesn't believe that I really love him even though I tell him he is wrong. He said he has no respect for me and that I am a liar and don't even know my own feelings.
He is not going to believe your words, so don’t use them, use actions, SHOW him how you can change. Just do it. Validate him to his face and then change yourself behind his back. “I understand that you don’t feel I can love you and I’m sorry you feel that way, for the record, I do love you.”
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He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial.
Again, more issues he sees you as having. If you feel these are real issues, deal with them, change yourself so that you are a happy person and not living in denial or fear.
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He said that he does see some changes but it is too late and they just make him angry because I should have done them 10 years ago and he has no patience for me.
This is script, ignore it or validate him. Such as “I understand you don’t believe I can make these changes, I am doing this for me. You will see when I don’t change back, I’m trying to make myself a better person so I can be happy in my own life.”
