You know, kicked, it took me a lot of time and a lot of reading and a lot of worrying and thinking "maybe he is, maybe he isn't" thoughts over and over until people just didn't want to hear it any more. You've been at this for four years, two of which you "get it."
I kept looking at the stages and signs of MLC and trying to fit my H into them... and the truth is, he was good at hiding it. It took my stepdaughter telling me "daddy is so depressed and angry" after I just walked out of the room because I was upset that he was so HAPPY and seemed to be MOVING ON so nicely... but she was seeing it with different eyes. Then I started trying to see if he was happy or depressed, and finally, I stepped back and said "oh, the heck with it." NOW I see. Walking backward has allowed me to be able to SEE what's going on. It's like being farsighted (did I get that right?) - when you're too close, you can't see, it's all blurry. Back away and things will begin to show themselves. For instance, H was bouncy, talking in a high pitched voice to my dogs, but after he thought I was asleep, I was allowed to hear him swearing at them and it was clear to me that he's angry still. But when I'm around, he's happy, happy - which tells me that he's trying really hard to convince me that he's happy but he isn't. Also, DSD got roses from a friend for her bday - and they were delivered to the house. H was breaking up the cardboard and saw the roses, and said, oh, you got flowers, and usually I would have ignored him, but this time, I watched casually and saw him look at the label to see who sent them. Which tells me he's still curious what is going on with my life.
Throughout this all it's been a lesson in patience and letting go of control for me. I told God I would let go and let Him handle it, and that has been hard.
Four years is a long time. You must have a boat load of patience.
