still separated, headed for D?

[WhatNow]

Has he mentioned anymore about the D?

You have already put distance that is making him uncomfortable. Yippee!

Maybe add a little more each time he brings it up. Like, meeting him at the door every time, not letting him in at all. Or like when he wants to come in to fix something, tell him it is ok, you will take care of it. IDK....if you push him too hard right now it could come across as pursuing. Yje alternative is cutting him off from you all together, all at once.

One thing I noticed reading above:
You connect with him over your next meeting...."See ya tomorrow" "See ya in the parking lot" Are you wanting him to think you might me looking forward to it? Maybe just a "bye" or "see ya".

[gatsby11]

Flowmom, for sure.

NM, I like FM's advice for what to say to WH. I like it because you'll know you've given this "detached" strategy a good try if you keep it strict right now.

Let us know how it goes!

[newmama]

FM great tip about want vs need- "I want my space." is WAY stronger than "I need my space!" Why I wonder? hmm.

So how about if he protests-" What is wrong with me hanging out here for a couple of minutes to talk about S? Like it or not, we are coparenting him! I'm not going away just because we are divorcing you know!"

me- "Because I want my space."

He could retaliate by saying "I'll give you your space- the divorce!!" lol! But realistically, if he is set on divorcing me, then there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

However if he hasn't decided for sure, then I want to be aware of what WN said:

IDK....if you push him too hard right now it could come across as pursuing. Yje alternative is cutting him off from you all together, all at once.

I can see that some of my future moves could be pressure-pushing-pursuing. You see,if I decided that I was DONE but I wanted HIM to be the one to do the paperwork, I would pressure him by doing these things: pack his crap, pick up a change of address form at the post office and tell him he needs to fill it out, let him know "I have a date tomorrow night," and ask him when he will be completing the paperwork. That is also cutting him off from me I think!

So I should not do those things if I don't want to encourage him/push him to D me.

At the same time, if he DOESN'T KNOW if he wants to divorce me, I want to create a sense of loss for him-but he won't feel loss unless he desires me- and I did almost everything I could think of to help this come about by improving areas that needed it.(still am improving)

Now over the last 10 months, I let him come over to the house so he could be with S without disrupting S' space, and see my changes but as a bonus- was not with OW! heh heh! But, I was not able to be his friend completely...it was
against my core values.

Everyone said he was cake eating but I wasn't affectionate with him, wasn't having sex with him, wasn't asking about him and his life, and what he was feeling, and what he did last weekend... I did not give him all of me if that makes sense. He didn't deserve that! Of course I didn't ask about his feelings because that could be seen as pursuing....and so would inquiring too much about him.

So back to my point about not wanting to lose me. By me changing the visitation arrangement, he is losing the house and he is losing the 75% of me that he was getting when he was hanging out over here (since 25% I reserved).

If I did my job of getting him to desire me, why would he tell me he wants a D? Guess I didn't. So would providing a sense of loss really make a difference at this point?


But if he isn't sure about divorce, then creating a sense of loss will help my efforts of reconciliation. That is, if he ends the affair. Which he could end if he realizes he doesn't want to lose me.

Crap- am I making sense? Yikes- what things can I do to create a sense of loss that are not pushing or pressuring him to D? Am I doing it?

[newmama]

Whatnow- good point about connecting about the next meeting! I was just being polite and hoping I was the one to say goodbye first but it does sound like I could be looking forward I guess!

So I could say "Ok well say goodbye to Daddy, S!" And I turn to him and say "see you later!"

[WhatNow]

If I did my job of getting him to desire me, why would he tell me he wants a D?

Has he brought it up again?
Has he done anything about it since that one talk?
Was he just feeling you out on it? You made it very clear that you did not want a D.

Crap- am I making sense? Yikes- what things can I do to create a sense of loss that are not pushing or pressuring him to D? Am I doing it?

Sorry if i just added to your confusion on this. As you know, I am having difficulty with "how to be" as well. I think your H is feeling some loss. Maybe stick with the changes you have made for awhile longer, they seem to be having an effect. Why? 1) He hasn't brought up D in 2 weeks, right? 2) He doesn't seem happy with the new arrangement.
Just thinking....

[newmama]

http://www.ehow.com/how_4906557_use-law-attraction.html

Just a quick link to using the law of attraction.
Thoughts create actions right?

I especially like "segment intending!" I do that a lot actually but didn't realize it!

[newmama]

Has he brought it up again?
Has he done anything about it since that one talk?
Was he just feeling you out on it? You made it very clear that you did not want a D.

No, haven't heard anything else about D. But it has been 2 weeks. I don't think he was feeling me out on it, I mean he said "I have made the decision to go through with the paperwork." I didn't hear any room for "feeling me out." I do hold onto the memory of when he said "you've been thinking about this haven't you!?" when I showed him what I prepped! Because he responded like that, I felt like I caught "weakness" in his decision! Not to mention the crying he did.

I think your H is feeling some loss. Maybe stick with the changes you have made for awhile longer, they seem to be having an effect. Why? 1) He hasn't brought up D in 2 weeks, right? 2) He doesn't seem happy with the new arrangement.
Just thinking....

Thanks for point this out. I am so close to my sitch that I don't know if I am reading to much into WH's behaviors or no. You know how it's hard to see the forest through the trees or whatever the saying is! I am to continue on the same path then, and not add any more to the mix at this time! sigh-exactly what my therapist said when he said to keep it simple and just focus on the one strategy of continuing this visitation in a business like, friendly manner!

[newmama]

There is this description of "segment intending." You work backwards kind of... So here is what I plan to do.
WHat I want: WH to pursue me instead of divorce me.

How will I know he is doing this:

-He will be asking me questions about where I am going or what I am doing
-I will see him looking at my body
-He will try to talk to me and hang around the house
-He may try to do favors or buy me or S things (stuff we might need at the store)
-He won't bring up divorce/paperwork


To "segment intend," I am to visualize him doing those behaviors and then look back on what I "did" to get him to act that way. SO here is what I will be doing



My actions that will draw WH to me:

-I keep losing weight
-I am tan (lol!) and have nice hair and makeup
-I am busy making plans- when we exchange S, I am dressed to go somewhere, and I initiate conversation about coordinating timing on the drop offs so that I am home in time
-I stick to the limited contact conversation and limit his time at the house
-I don't initiate contact with him unless it is about the schedule
-I continue to take care of the garbage, get his mail, and don't ask for help with things around the house. He will have to find the stuff to do which will show that he is LOOKING for reasons to want to be at the house.

[WhatNow]

That is good work!

Some suggestions:

Remove all Don't Won't not and no's. The universe hears only the positive.

Instead of this: He won't bring up divorce/paperwork, say this: He will drop (or forget) the subject of divorce/paperwork.



Add positive affirmations after your "How will I know".
-I will see him looking at my body...my body looks great and he has always liked it.
-He will try to talk to me and hang around the house...I am fun to talk to, I am his BF at heart, and the house is so homey and comfortable to be in.


Doing this will add positive feelings to your positive thoughts.

If you have ANY doubts about what you are trying to attract, it will not work! Doubts cancel out the positive thoughts. ANy little inkling of doubt has to be removed from your statements.
How do you do this? Easy...make it true for you! For examples sake, let's say you are insecure about your body being the sexiest it has ever been. So, rephrase your affirmation to include removal of doubt. "I am in the process of having the sexiest body ever." Using "I am in the process of", is my favorite way of removing doubt from my affirmations.

[newmama]

Thanks Whatnow! You sure know your law of attraction don't you?? OK I revised it (changes are in red):

WHat I want: WH to pursue me instead of divorce me.

How will I know he is doing this:

-He will be asking me questions about where I am going or what I am doing and I will be having fun finding new friends and activities
-I will see him looking at my body and feeling attracted to me again-He will try to talk to me because he enjoys my attention, personality, and warmth. I am his true best friend. and hang around the house because it is inviting and relaxing
-He may try to do favors or buy me or S things (stuff we might need at the store)
-He will drop discussion of divorce/paperwork


To "segment intend," I am to visualize him doing those behaviors and then look back on what I "did" to get him to act that way. SO here is what I will be doing



My actions that will draw WH to me:

-I keep losing weight and my body gets sexier every day
-I am tan (lol!) and have nice hair and makeup
-I am busy making plans- when we exchange S, I am dressed to go somewhere, and I initiate conversation about coordinating timing on the drop offs so that I am home in time
-I stick to the limited contact conversation and continue to find ways to limit his time at the house
-I only initiate contact with him if it is about the schedule
-I continue to take care of the garbage, get his mail, and avoid asking for help with things around the house. He will have to find the stuff to do which will show that he is LOOKING for reasons to want to be at the house.

I feel so good today! Of course I am betting that he won't be bringing up paperwork today....but I guess if he does, I can still go through with this plan until the end, right? lol!