still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

FM great tip about want vs need- "I want my space." is WAY stronger than "I need my space!" Why I wonder? hmm.

So how about if he protests-" What is wrong with me hanging out here for a couple of minutes to talk about S? Like it or not, we are coparenting him! I'm not going away just because we are divorcing you know!"

me- "Because I want my space."

He could retaliate by saying "I'll give you your space- the divorce!!" lol! But realistically, if he is set on divorcing me, then there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

However if he hasn't decided for sure, then I want to be aware of what WN said:

IDK....if you push him too hard right now it could come across as pursuing. Yje alternative is cutting him off from you all together, all at once.

I can see that some of my future moves could be pressure-pushing-pursuing. You see,if I decided that I was DONE but I wanted HIM to be the one to do the paperwork, I would pressure him by doing these things: pack his crap, pick up a change of address form at the post office and tell him he needs to fill it out, let him know "I have a date tomorrow night," and ask him when he will be completing the paperwork. That is also cutting him off from me I think!

So I should not do those things if I don't want to encourage him/push him to D me.

At the same time, if he DOESN'T KNOW if he wants to divorce me, I want to create a sense of loss for him-but he won't feel loss unless he desires me- and I did almost everything I could think of to help this come about by improving areas that needed it.(still am improving)

Now over the last 10 months, I let him come over to the house so he could be with S without disrupting S' space, and see my changes but as a bonus- was not with OW! heh heh! But, I was not able to be his friend completely...it was
against my core values.

Everyone said he was cake eating but I wasn't affectionate with him, wasn't having sex with him, wasn't asking about him and his life, and what he was feeling, and what he did last weekend... I did not give him all of me if that makes sense. He didn't deserve that! Of course I didn't ask about his feelings because that could be seen as pursuing....and so would inquiring too much about him.

So back to my point about not wanting to lose me. By me changing the visitation arrangement, he is losing the house and he is losing the 75% of me that he was getting when he was hanging out over here (since 25% I reserved).

If I did my job of getting him to desire me, why would he tell me he wants a D? Guess I didn't. So would providing a sense of loss really make a difference at this point?


But if he isn't sure about divorce, then creating a sense of loss will help my efforts of reconciliation. That is, if he ends the affair. Which he could end if he realizes he doesn't want to lose me.

Crap- am I making sense? Yikes- what things can I do to create a sense of loss that are not pushing or pressuring him to D? Am I doing it?