Not to nitpick but Oct 11 is 5 months not 6. Best of luck and I agree with Coach.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Thanks for making me laugh, ken. I'm off to change the calender.
Dark won't be hard. The thought of talking to him makes me kind of sick.
I guess I can stop feeling guilty over feeling that tiny bit of relief that he's not here & that my future might actually hold some happiness, can't I?
I'm still going to keep my promise to myself to not slam him to anyone, even to myself. He is part of my children, and they are not going to go through life thinking that I can't stand half of who they are.
I'm the grownup. I can't control what he thinks or says, and I'm going to do my best not to care.
Knowing who I am is more important than knowing who he thinks I am.
eta~Oct. 11th is my father's birthday, whatta a birthday gift, huh?
Last edited by shelbel; 05/11/1006:53 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Hi Shelbel, I can't comment on a lot as I haven't read everything in your thread, but I have a very moody, nasty at times H that I have just started to set boundaries with--3 1/2 months of walking away when he starts in on me with a script--
"Sorry you feel that way H, I hope you'll feel differently in the future." Very much a way to dodge his anger and NOT be someone he can fight with--that way they are left with only themselves--you are NOT part of the problem.
The OTHER thing that I began and JUST have seen some results with this, is to have a statement to leave him with--an "I need" statement. I got some ideas for these over in the Infidelty threads--they are full of good ideas. Allen and Puppy are awesome.
You make your short statement and then LEAVE. There is no argument, no look on your face they can remark on--just what you need and you leave them with that thought.
"H, I need a man that ..."
They are short--not very long. Do one at a time and KEEP SAYING IT.
BTW, are you SURE there is no OW or ??? Him not wanting you on the computer--I spend a lot of time reading the infedelity boards and boy, that is a common theme with the cheaters.
I don't think there is an OW. I know a lot of people say that & end up being wrong...but H slid so far down in his personal appearance and attitude that I seriously doubt it. He was never unattractive to me (and I never turned him away in the bedroom), but he is nowhere near the hottie he used to be. Of course, neither am I, but I'm at least trying. It seems like H just stopped caring. No haircuts, no new clothes (except when he needed a bigger size), no new cologne (just the stuff I bought him for Christmas), no sudden good moods.
I could be wrong. I think I might feel better if there were--I could at least have something to blame a lot of this behavior on. As it stands, it is just heartbreaking and perplexing. I just don't get it.
If there is an OW, his behavior is one for the record books. He had his own computer, a really great (and uber expensive!!!) Mac he got for school. He password protected it so I wouldn't play on it. That and because I put a password on mine; but I did that so the kids couldn't download anything without permission and because he would often get into my email to snoop & accuse me of having an A based on the "Someone in your area wants to meet you!" junk mail that everyone gets.
There were times he needed on my laptop, and I always just signed in & handed it over. I didn't clear the history, I didn't hide websites, I didn't look over his shoulder to see where he was going. He thought a lot of my behavior was *fishy* (like the password), but I was completely transparent. I never hid anything because there was nothing to hide.
He found out his XW had been cheating by following her trail on the internet, so I always tried to understand why he was so weird about my being on the internet. But claiming I'm cheating because I have spam mail is not right. Even our MCer told him that it was my only form of communication with the outside world & I really needed some kind of companionship since he wasn't interested in talking to me.
I know I said there was no reason to post, but I'm willing to answer any questions and work through any ideas you guys come up with. I'm not trying to save as much as I'm trying to figure out what happened. I have to understand the mistakes in order not to repeat them.
Last edited by shelbel; 05/11/1009:27 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Well, what "happened" if it isn't an OW is he pretty clearly is depressed. And taking it out on you. In the first few pages I saw you fighting a lot with him. This will keep him focused on you, and not him. Typical stuff.
You have gone dark, right? (or dim with kids). Best thing you can do. GAL, detach--let them deal with this themselves. And like many here--hope they "get it" before you start smelling freedom out there. That is the "unknown". Just how long it will take.
But a good, short script if you do have any interaction. "H, I need a man that takes care of himself so he can be a good father and husband". Say it and turn and go immediately dark again.
I love that, Laura. I'm committing it to memory now & will use it if necessary.
I did go dark. It broke my heart to see the look on S6's face when I told him that Daddy wanted to call us instead of us calling him. I used "us" so they wouldn't feel it was all about them. But that night on the way to bed he sighed & said, "I guess Daddy didn't have time to call us tonight." Jerk.
I skipped right to the MLC part of DR last night & just cried all the way through it. It is so him. There really is nothing else to do other than GAL & enjoy it. Next week is the 10 year anniversary of the day we met. I hadn't been looking forward to it the way I usually do every year, but I never dreamed we'd be spending it like this.
I did order some new (smaller) jeans & a couple new pairs of shoes. I've been living in one pair of sneakers & an old pair of leather shoes that are falling apart. There was never any money or time to take care of me--everyone else always came first.
I'm going to be stepping into my new life with some way cute shoes & a smile on my face. Even if I have to fake it.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Right now I don't want to talk to him at all. I called to read S6's school assessment to him, in which the teacher wrote that S6 had some of the highest scores that she has ever seen ( ) and to tell him that he has the lead in the little skit they are doing at tomorrow's graduation. I just found out last night and I would be mad if he had known & not told me.
He says someone will have to tape it for him because he has *something going on*. He then launched into a diatribe about how he has to coach the Tball team now because the coach got sick & doesn't want to do it, and how he doesn't have any money for gas because he doesn't have a job (my fault), and how it isn't his fault that he isn't the coach because of the circumstances (also my fault) . I wanted to remind him that he had been the coach but quit at the last minute, that there were a bunch of kids who didn't want to be in the middle of it who just needed SOMEONE to step up, and to get over it already & find a damn job. But I didn't. Instead, he heard...
"I can understand how that would be frustrating."
I also didn't tell him he got a bunch of mail from the college the past week. If he's looking into going back, then he knows it's coming & will arrange to get it--if it's that important to him. If he's not going back, then it's not that important & he will get it when he thinks to pick up his stuff. Right?
S6 talked to him when I was done, he chatted for a bit & then said, "Please come to my graduation?". No prompting from me. It made me tear up.
He said, "Daddy said, 'Maybe' & then he had to go. He might come mom!"
That poor kid. And just like *that* I go back to hating him for what he's doing to them.
I really hate this rollercoaster.
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formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
