screwing up big time and need help

[newmama]

I am sorry that your H has so many health issues and Lupus is just terrible. Not that other health issues aren't! There is nothing wrong, in my opinion, of helping your H when he needs it regarding his health. But think of how a nurse or home aide would do it- polite, but without love and kisses and extra affection.

IMO, since your H has said he doesn't care about your M, then guess that means he doesn't get to share a bed with you! If I were you, I would time this move before you move out but you don't have to do it tonight if you don't want. Listen to your intuition on when to do it- think of it as "a move" like in playing chess, you know?

If his body hurts too much to sleep on the couch, he can have the bed and you leave. (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and it is under control but I completely understand how it feels when one's joints are throbbing and one needs a bed)

In fact, you leaving the bed might make a good statement because you are rejecting HIM. However, IF there is a comfortable bed for him to sleep on that is not in your room, then he can leave.

I realize this is kind of low, but you could probably do or say anything you want and he isn't going to file for D. Based on financial issues and health issues. What do you think- do you agree?

So your goal is more to get him to desire you again and for him to end his A. Robx says that people end their As when they face crisis and a fear of loss. aka "rock bottom"

If your H isn't afraid to lose you right now or isn't that interested in losing you (I say that because he is not motivated to work on your marriage)then you want to get him to desire you again!

That being said, you get him to desire you by working on areas that need improvement, in combination of pulling away, being mysterious, GALing, and the 180s you are doing.

Once he starts to appreciate you and desire you again, he won't want to lose you! So that is when you can start to amp up actions that show he will lose you unless he ends the A.

I apologize if this is vague...but it could happen quickly or slowly. I suggest you think of it as steps in place to "walking away." Suppose there are 7 steps before you are ready to walk away from the marriage if he doesn't want to commit. These steps may not be linear exactly but steps 1-6 should be followed before step 7!

step 1: work on you-looking for a job, place to live, etc.

step 2: work on areas that need improvement (that he complained about but that you recognize need to be improved for him or your future relationship)

step 3: GAL

step 4: be mysterious and look good doing it

step 5: monitor results- is H asking you q's and paying more attention? is he pursuing?

step 6:consult a L to be prepared in case you separate or divorce

step 7: tell your H that you need him to commit to your marriage and end his affair/ "friendship" or you will leave him. Go dim/dark until he does so.

THIS IS A ROUGH draft! And no one size plan fits all! And I am not a vet!! It is just a suggested course of action.

I have been able to achieve steps 1-6 but my WH is just now starting to get a taste of losing me because I have gone "dim" since he said he wanted to proceed with the D. Still waiting to get paperwork from him though...it has been 2 weeks since the conversation. And in my case, I had a baby in the middle of this whole escapade.