i needed time in order to digest this one because figuring that out was huge for me.
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Wow! That is one huge revolution!! I *guessed* at you wanting the quality time thing--I was trying to figure out how your H saw you as "clingy"--and those people around here with that LL sometimes get that response.
i did the LL quiz and quality time beat out physical touch by one point. i need both. i think h's LL is receiving gifts and physical touch - he always said that he loves it when i caress him, rub his chest, or stroke his forearm. but the gifts thing is also him.
even though i craved quality time, i felt i was never being given quality time. i remember being told once to be independent and less needy. i don't need anybody to tell me something twice. so ever since then, i have been afraid to ask for quality time - because i didn't want to be labelled as 'needy' or 'clingy'.
i loved grocery shopping with h. i loved going anywhere with h. any time i got to spend with h, was quality time for me. it wasn't that i couldn't be independent .. i wanted to know that i was loved by h via my LL.
when i look back, i misread h's display of affection. h bought me a lot of stuff. very often, i would tell him that i didn't need all that stuff. i kept drilling into him that i didn't need material things to make me happy. he would continue to buy me nice things but it made me feel like he thought the only way to impress me was with expensive gifts - ie. like i was a high maintenance gold digger. and here i am shouting at the top of my lungs that i'm not a gold digger and i didn't marry him for his money!
now that the separation agreement is under way, i'm really being accused of being a gold digger. it just frustrates me so much.
i realize that h tried to show his love using the love language he knows best - giving/receiving gifts. and i totally misread it. he did love me a great deal. i kept looking for it in the form of quality time but he was showing his love by buying me stuff. sigh ...
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You know what? I wouldn't even HESITATE to send him a little something--with a small note saying you thought of him and got it. You have nothing really to lose at this point. You are not a big pursuer, and it would be a huge 180. You may get a very negative reaction at first. It doesn't matter--I still would do it.
for some reason, i think it's too late to give him gifts. he's completely shut me out of his life. he is adamant that the marriage cannot be saved. there is no convincing him. no amount of mc-ing would fix it. we never even tried mc-ing but he's made that decision for us.
besides, the kitchen gadget isn't cheap. you don't give pricey kitchen gadget for no reason. it's hard for me to pursue because it would be interpreted as being 'needy', 'clingy', desperate, and weak. when i dragged my heels on the legal process, he told me that we had to move on and that i was in denial.
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Listen--I'm not in the worst place right now--my H said he wanted to go to a lawyer on Wednesday of last week, and then on Friday he bought a 50 inch television for our living room. I go by his actions not his words. His actions say he's not going anywhere anytime soon (hey, and if he does, I'm keeping the television!)
you go girl. you take that tv!
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I did a COMPLETE 180 and it was HARD. He was SO distrustful at first. (well, because he didn't want me to do ANYTHING for him after he said ILYNILY) I just pursued (not my normal nature) through his negativity (and he was PISSED). To this day, EVERY DAY, I ask what I can do for him. When things got really bad last year he was running me ragged. I do have to put limits on this. But as much as I can, without making myself crazy, I do things for him.
i can't trust my h right now. it almost feels like he's db-ing on me. going dark, being mysterious/quiet. i saw him the other day and he didn't look upbeat or cheery. he looked kind of down. and i was so tempted to ask him what was wrong? then just tear into him with "why the long face? shouldn't you be happy you got me out of your life? shouldn't you just be overjoyed that you got rid of this mistake of a marriage?" but i didn't. showed a lot of restraint.
but on a different note. i did some really bad db-ing early on. i hugged him every day and told him i wasn't going to give up on him. and then one day, he said he felt uncomfortable hugging me because he didn't want to lead me on. i would get teary eyed when i hugged him. even though he was uncomfortable with the hugs, he still hugged me back. then one day, i just stopped hugging. he noticed and said "no hug today?". i said no. and he said he wasn't unreasonable and came over and wanted to give me a hug. i kind of brushed him off. i was offended by the "uncomfortable" and "didn't want to lead me on" comments. so i stopped hugging. ever since then, i never touched him again.
when they say never believe anything they say and go by their actions. i probably should have ignored the words and just continued to hug. but i was too hurt by the words and i took them literally. so i stopped the physical touch.
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You know, your H's parents may "understand" his gift LL. Or they may be like you and "competing" with your quality time LL.
i think you hit it bang on. they do understand his LL. they buy him stuff all the time. i saw it as him being materialistic. in chapman's book, it says that it's not necessarily true.
again, with me .. receiving gifts isn't my LL so i wasn't impressed with the constant flow of gifts.
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Oh! Even if it is not for HIM--have something for his dad, or mom, or a friend--those work well too. I give my gift people gifts for their pets, or them, or someone they know...
you know, even after h dropped the d-bomb .. i bought his mom something. but she took cheap shots at me and i felt she was disrespectful towards me. i was never that disrespectful towards her but she was very rude to me. would i buy her a gift? probably not. call it once bitten twice shy. i wouldn't want to see her again. not with her attitude.
i should also say that another reasony why my h was upset with me was because he felt i was disrespectful towards his parents. he said the Good Girl he married would never be jealous of his parents who he only sees a few times a year. few times = 8 weeks a year.
the way i saw it was that they were taking up all of h's time. when they weren't on the phone with him constantly, they'd be visiting for weeks at a time. i felt like i had to take a number and i never got any quality time with h. even during our quality time of shopping for home decor, it was always for his parents. i just couldn't get away from them. and h doesn't understand why i would be jealous of his parents?! helloooo??
anyway, these last few posts have really helped me.
i wanted to use my separation time to really think about what went wrong with our relationship. discovering the LL has helped me start that dialogue with myself.
i came on the board to look for ways on where to start or even how to start that introspection.
i think h's LL is receiving gifts and physical touch - he always said that he loves it when i caress him, rub his chest, or stroke his forearm. but the gifts thing is also him.
