Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Babydoll]

NM, this all sort of fell into place. But I do know one thing... havent cried hysterically in weeks... since my last rant post that I gave up! I was truly giving up!!! I swear!!! I wanted to sign the papers to end the misery and instead this all came about... I pushed my H away a lot in the past few months, and didnt want him to have any parts of anything, because he left. He would mentio he wanted to take part and I always said its all or nothing! Told him plenty of times me and baby were a package deal. And so he backed off. About 3 weeks ago, or even a month ago, he began asking if he could help, or come to appointments, and so on. I said a lot of NO's. He kept pressing, and I gave in with something small, and made sure i was comfortable with it.
That grew into more get togethers and conversations...
its kind of strange bc this past week, we seem to be talking all day througout the day. H comes to the house to do some de-cluttering in preparation for the baby. he is starting to mention some things about our M, like remember this...
Today we went to get car maintenanced... he drove me back home.

I find that we are laughing, and being playful with conversation almost flirtatious... i think. But we seems to be getting a lot of decisions made. Im not really sure what is happening to be honest. It feels nice. I keep my expectations low and about baby only. Ok, I lied! I actually said something about our R to H and said i just dont get how you are 100% confident with your decision about us (in a nice cute tone)... shockingly he said, Im not confident with my decision at all, just dont want to talk about it. I was so taken back, that i didnt question it, didnt ask what he meant...

I have been letting H contact me first... its cute. He seems to find strange reasons to call or text, and only some of it is about baby. A lot of it is just to chat... almost like he doesn have a reason to call, so he just calls to see what i am up to.

Sometimes i think maybe he is just trying to feel things out to see if we can somehow get along... maybe as friends just to start.

I read a lot of peicing sites and read up on a lot of the vet's posts and many of them believe that reconciling begins with friendship... wouldnt that be nice if that happened for my sitch

But in all honestly I am putting myself first. Right now it's all about ME!

[newmama]

I actually said something about our R to H and said i just dont get how you are 100% confident with your decision about us (in a nice cute tone)... shockingly he said, Im not confident with my decision at all, just dont want to talk about it. I was so taken back, that i didnt question it, didnt ask what he meant...

lol BD, just because you say it in a nice and cute tone doesn't mean it doesn't count as pursuing/R talk! I am giving you a fluffy 2x4! Good job at not responding to him, though. But I gasped with delight when I read your H's response!

Did you see Coach's post on his thread about thinking versus feeling when DBing? Someone asked if there are different approaches to getting the WAS back for male walk aways...coach said something like men do a lot of thinking. I was thinking maybe the coach meant that men take more time deciding what to do?? So perhaps that is what your H meant by not wanting to talk about it...no pressure...needs more time to "think."

I

read a lot of peicing sites and read up on a lot of the vet's posts and many of them believe that reconciling begins with friendship... wouldnt that be nice if that happened for my sitch

But in all honestly I am putting myself first. Right now it's all about ME!

Good Babydoll- spend more time doing what you want and what feels right to you without worrying if it will hurt your chances for R. About the vets saying reconciling begins with friendship- did you catch if that included when affairs were involved?

[Piano]

Have never seen the vets talk about friendship when an affair is involved. It's much more all or nothing...until OW or OM is gone, we have NOTHING to talk about.


Would be interested though if we can find posts stating the contrary !

I was interested in the male vs female walkaway question too on Coach's thread... I didn't get what he meant by that men are more 'thinking'. More logical/rational? Therefore less sentimental/emotional?

The only diff I think between women and men as walkaways is that men are better compartmentalisers and also feel much less guilt about leaving their families and the destruction they cause when they have an affair. I read that on the Pyschology Today website which someone posted on my thread. It's my H to a T.

BD, apart from the slip into R talk , I'd say you're doing well!

[Piano]

BD you know something...being genuine versus manipulative seems like the right thing to do and the easy thing, too. What I mean is (and I am summarizing your actions here) if you want to include him, and you want him to go to the classes, then I guess by inviting him, then you are showing that. If you didn't want him to go but invited him because you were trying to get him to bond with you through the baby, that would be wrong. Or if you wanted him to go but didn't invite him because you hoped it would send a message, it would be wrong because it could hurt more than help....so I think you are going about this the right way!

Wow - beautifully stated, NM. Bravo!

[Babydoll]

I do deserve the fluffy 2 x 4! I was bad!!! I couldnt help myself!

Have to read Coach's thread... I do think my H would think think think and want to be sure that he truly can commit to working things out rather than teeter totter back and forth. I know that he knows that repairing a marriage would be HUGE and he did say to me once, that he knows in order for us to ever work he would have to put me FIRST... and right now i dont think he can. he is still in his space ship with school and his life, and rght now I think the baby is first in his life... as the baby is in mine.

I dont remember if the friendship thing works with affairs... I have to go back and try to remember what threads i read... try going on peicing or reconciling...

I know that you have read The Secret, and I went on these threads weeks ago, in the effort of 'the secret' and you should too!

[newmama]

I actually haven't read The Secret- I just learned about it on Oprah! But I should google it to learn the details! I have read the piecing and reconciling threads from time to time. Guess I should really be reading them right now since it could be the last chance! If you don't remember off hand about the friendship when there is OW, that's ok!

Have never seen the vets talk about friendship when an affair is involved. It's much more all or nothing...until OW or OM is gone, we have NOTHING to talk about.


Would be interested though if we can find posts stating the contrary ! Actually MWD suggests being the better option so many women have been doing that...but Puppy points out that it doesn't work most of the time. I was doing that and it didn't work for me. I wasn't able to be his friend though- always had the wall up due to OW.



The only diff I think between women and men as walkaways is that men are better compartmentalisers and also feel much less guilt about leaving their families and the destruction they cause when they have an affair. I read that on the Pyschology Today website which someone posted on my thread. It's my H to a T. Yep, apparently WH can fit in that boat as well...just because he has bonded with S doesn't deny the fact that he has left our family, you know?

[gatsby11]

I agree, BD, "R talk" not good, but his response, yeah! If he ever comes out of this, he could have some really great explanations to share. Honestly, and my expectations may just be way low for WAHs, but he sounds like he is semi-aware of himself! That's pretty good. I am HOPING my WH can become more self-aware, God help him!

As far as the OW stuff goes, I like what NM posted just right above here. My personal choice would just to be F-off until it was over and detach as best I could. Is that the best for future R, though? I don't know. And it's really hard to say F-off to your baby's father if you're seeing him all the time. So, it's really tricky. In sum, as always, I don't know.

I should find Coach's post. . .

[Piano]

G (sorry to hijack your thread BD!), I think "f-off" is totally in order when there is another OW or OM involved. It's about self respect for the LBS and not acting OK with something that really is not OK.
Complication with baby on way (and if you already have kids), you have to communicate (civil, not friendly). And Detach. All at the same time. Yeah, brill!!!! NM knows first hand how hard that is.... Allen A says it can make you ill.
In hindsight, I wish I had done NC until after birth. I came out of dark too fast. A was not over. Should have let OW meet all H's needs while I drove him nuts wondering about me and the baby.
Sounds cruel, but may have been more effective.

[newmama]

In hindsight, I wish I had done NC until after birth. I came out of dark too fast. A was not over. Should have let OW meet all H's needs while I drove him nuts wondering about me and the baby.
Sounds cruel, but may have been more effective.

But in your sitch, your H wants to completely escape from being a dad right? I mean he sounds so scared and if you were NC all the way, the downside is that it would be letting him off the hook in a way. He would not have to be involved because you wouldn't let him. So when your D is born, the NC would have made it harder for him to get used to the idea of being her dad. She would just be here all at once and it might overwhelm him and he could run away to OW in Europe forever. Therefore, I think it is wise on your end to let him get involved now, even if it is at the last hour!! It can ease his anxiety about being a dad and let him get excited about meeting his daughter!

Ok so I was just trying to explain a POSSIBLE downside in your sitch if you stayed NC throughout the whole pregnancy!

[gatsby11]

Yeah, they always say that when an OW is involved, it matters very little what you do! It's okay that you went dim. You can still find ways to make him wonder!