"why yes and why no? can you expand? i'm new at this."
It would be normal if you set a boundary and implemented the LRT. Which to a point you have done. I can't say that it was fully thought thru and it was your true intention.. but that is where you are.
It is not normal because there is usually enough "drama" in these situations to "force" you to poke at one another.
"how does that make him just like me?"
Cause from what I am reading you both ventured down this path without fully understanding why you were doing it.
"how are we both screwed?"
You are losing your M.. he is losing his money.
Or..to say it another way you both are "losing" something.
"he's the one who asked for the d and didn't read the rules. i tried to warn him about the emotional, mental, and financial toll it would take on him. now that he realizes the rules are not in his favour, he's now blaming me."
And you agreed without understanding the emotional and mental toll that it would take on you. Now you realize that the rules are not in your favor.. your blaming him.
"this is the ultimate betrayal to me."
So.. Yes. Understand the "work" behind that thought. For now we go on what you said.
"he resented me for making him stand up to his parents. i wanted him to break away and be independent. but yet, time and time again, he would call them to consult with them on our issues."
Maybe he is Co-Dependent. Maybe not. Really it is not important to me if he is. People are consistent. To a fault. If you put people in a situation where they don't know what to do.. they fall back on what they have done in the past. For the sake of a "argument" is there a chance that he did not know how to communicate with you about "something".. so he went to "someone" who had helped him "win" in the past?
"yes, 1-yr separation is mandatory before d-filing."
So.. you have locked yourself into a D?
"i still can't filter through what he has to say."
This is kinda important. As for DB'ing you will have to "rethink" your situation. You will need to figure out what he is really saying to you. It will have to happen.. and you will have understand where he is coming from.
If you have a separation agreement in place and he is supposed to be paying "support".. why is he not? Are you being proactive in "fixing" that? (Don't run out and "fix" that just yet.)
"It sounds like your H was attracted to you because you are the opposite of his Mom - independent, low maintenance, interesting etc. Have you tried getting him to help you with something? I get the impression that he was taken care of too much."
The LRT allows for a testing time. I am not sure that now is a great time for that. Honestly from what I am reading the environment is still hostile.
You have said that you did not part on "hostile" grounds. But.. I am not believing that. You can't introduce divorce papers and not be somewhat hostile. Your 1-2 interactions with him have seemed somewhat "hostile".
To me.. the big issue here is that you don't fully understand who or what you really are. You don't know how to clearly "communicate" your needs. From everything I have read "here" you two are suffering from some big "growing pains".
So..
Why do you want this marriage to "work"?
Explain to me in great detail why it is important to you.
What in this M made you.. a better you?
Leaving out that your H is Co-Whatever.. what were the issues that lead you "here"? All of your answers must start with "We".
Example's..
We fought like cat's and dog's. We had bad sex.
Got it?
Feel free to expand on my simple thought's.
"First thing I thought too. Get a gift for his Mom. Your H is watching you."
In case you missed it.. Coach is pointing out the fact that your H is watching. Even if you are 100% sure he is not.. I will tell you.. you are wrong. People hide behind all kinds of "Emotion" when they are faced with a situation like this. Your job becomes.. to figure out what they are really saying.. from behind that "Emotion".
"the moment you stand up for yourself and let people know you won't be treated poorly is so empowering and loving to yourself. "
Be a leader.. pay attention to who follows you.
I know I am late.. and Coach is here now. I managed to lop off a small piece of my finger on my right hand. So.. needless to say.. it slowed me down some.
At the end of the day.. this "stitch" will define you. Trust me on that. You will know who you are.. and what you want. Define that first before you do anything else. You have plenty of time.
Now..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
