2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

Like you though Babydoll, I would H to be playing the carer role, not my family... it's weighing on my mind.

I think I might have kind of lightly skipped over this concern, Piano! Sorry- I was thinking you were more worried about everyone's treatment of him OR if HE would not feel comfortable if they were there!

OK so here is what all the baby books say so you probably already know. But they advise that moms LET dads get in there and change diapers, get the blankets, get you ice water and food, rock baby to sleep, bathe baby...all without criticizing.

My WH was very confident and not scared of mishandling S. So he just dove right in. It seems like bathing is the dad duty. I did think of the future relationship that I wanted S to have with WH so I agreed to pump some milk into bottles and let him give him a bottle every night after the first week. HOWEVER I ended up using a silicon nipple shield to breast feed so S didn't get nipple confusion between the breast and the bottle! The bottle nipples were silicon too.

Do try to have a picture of you and your H and the baby I think so that when your daughter is older, she might like to see the parents together who created her from love. You know? I have that ONE at least.

[Babydoll]

But that and saving one's M are not one and the same, agreed?

I disagree... I believe they are the same... just taking two roads to the same place! MWD says in her books, that when children are involved Divorce should not be an option and I agree!!! And she also says that a family IS a reason for couples to stay together, and I believe that by trying to coparent together does not mean we accept the separation and no long want the marriage! Instead I think you two going to the doctor together (only if you are 100% comfortable with it) could only show your H what it would be like to be a family. this could remind him that once upon a time he wanted this too... and that he did care for you and love you and was IN love with you!

My H wanted to come to the appt last week, and he asked me to go, and I was a bit weirded out by it, but H wsa attentive, asked questions, heard the heartbeat and saw my belly. When I made my next appt for next week, H pulld out his phone and plugged in my next appt and said he'd be here. I do believe it kicked in a bit of a reality in his head, about what is actually going on in my life... i think you have the same opportunity here. By all means, you need to feel 100% about it, but dont dismiss it without seriously considering it.

You will not find it awkward... i find that being around my H reminds me that is the same H, only he's been living in a spaceship lately. So i dont feel funny in front of him, quite the opposite. I find that we get along so well, and laugh and are comfortbale around one another. In a strange sense I almost think we are like to teenagers, flirting and laughing and trying to figure things out. Besides, this can be a trial run as to how you would feel if he were at the delivery or the hospital when the baby is born.

[Babydoll]

NM, what was your H like when the baby was born, or about to be born?

[Piano]

Nm, thanks. I think the joint photo is a very good idea and I remember that from another post of yours. I am happy to let H do his bit post the birth if he wants to. Just wondering if being at my mums excludes him for a bit. But maybe I can see it this way: I get top care and rest for a week or so at her place, and then I can always go back to my place depending on the lay of the land.

BD, excellent timely advice for tomorrow's hospital visit. Although I must point out the diff between our two hubs is the level of comittment they are showing towards fathering & the fact my H has OW and tells me he wants/plans to be with her... So we are in rather different sitchs.

That's why I put that question. On more reflection, I think you they are one and the same in your sitch - like very possibly. In my sitch, it's not sure to work on saving the M, because like Newmama, I have this extra complication (OW), plus some geographical issues thrown in (he could go live very far away).
When OW is involved, the 'tough love' approach is often recommended on this site ( a la Puppy, Allen, Robx, Coach, Sandi2), not the MWD approach, or my coach's approach for that matter.

But what I do certainly agree with is that if I have done the "letting go" thing, tomorrow's visit is an opp to, as you say, "show your H what it would be like to be a family. this could remind him that once upon a time he wanted this too... and that he did care for you and love you and was IN love with you!". Yup, this is very possible!


I do believe it kicked in a bit of a reality in his head, about what is actually going on in my life... i think you have the same opportunity here. By all means, you need to feel 100% about it, but dont dismiss it without seriously considering it.

Possible could work for my H, though the tough love advocates here say he will never connect with me until OW is gone from his life or even his head.

I am very happy you and your H get along and your attitude is so positive. ha ha! especially liked this: i find that being around my H reminds me that is the same H, only he's been living in a spaceship lately.

[Babydoll]

Im sorry! For my sitch I find that treating H with a MLC is what works best. doesnt mean H wants to reconcile... just helps me understand him and what he is going through and refrain from wanting to attack him

I forget about your H's OW. Trust the pros who know how to deal with OW. I was just offering some advice, but each of our sitchs are different and yet some of the same.

You gave me so much stregnth during all of my rollercoaster up and downs... and I think you are smart and brave and one tough cookie!

i think you know what is best and have the decisions already in your heart...

and remember i am rooting for you, and me and all of us on here... I am a hopeless romantic... always believe true love prevails... but i know when things go awry, it seems impossible to remember that. But tough love is a great tool, and its proven to be effective! So do what feels right!

Let us know what you decide about the doc appt. I'll be with you in spirit!

[newmama]

You will not find it awkward... i find that being around my H reminds me that is the same H, only he's been living in a spaceship lately. So i dont feel funny in front of him, quite the opposite. I find that we get along so well, and laugh and are comfortbale around one another.

Yes I relate to what BD said- I remember when we went to the appointments together it was understood without speaking that the focus was on me and the baby! It was great! lol! And of course we fell into that comfortable "couple" way of relating to each other. I let that happen off and on when WH would come to the house to be with S. But like BD said about her H living in a spaceship, when I would see the old WH it reminded me that he is in there somewhere so it was comforting. Unfortunately it didn't help to detach either!


OK Piano- your H especially needs to go to the appointment because he is so scared of fathering! My one goal was to get my WH to bond with that baby so I made sure he came to any and all appointments that he wanted to. I think it worked. Go for it- think of the baby and ignore the fact that he is out in space with OW.

Gosh I don't know why I keep missing the point that you will be at YOUR MUM'S place so that means your H won't be there! Dare I ask--can your H visit you and the baby while you are at your mum's? I might have not seen if she lives really far from your apartment or not. He wouldn't have to spend the night-just be there.

[newmama]

BD, my WH was acting a lot like your H in regard to his excitement about the baby and wanted to be involved in everything (I was in disbelief- how could he be so excited to meet his son that he will leave every day so he could be with his whore?).

The difference was that he didn't call me just to talk or text me just to talk and never has during this separation. We DID have a blast together during our labor classes, shopping for S, going out to lunch, and even at many of our appointments, where we talked about stuff other than S.

BD your sitch is looking positive! After all, no OW, your H wants to talk to you and hang out...it is more than just being a dad!

Piano although my WH was excited to be a father, all I can say is that it didn't seem to make a difference regarding his A and our marriage. I hope you see what I am saying!

[Piano]

Modus operandi for tomorrow's hospital visit which is going ahead: Go for it- think of the baby and ignore the fact that he is out in space with OW

Love it gals!

Ooo, just got a 2nd email from him (I hadn't replied to his): less formal, suggests a coffee afterwards, (probably in the hop cafeteria. blurk!) even has a smiley at the end when he says who knows if this will be the last check-up before D arrives.

Hmm... maybe he didn't Skype with OW last night and he's feeling kinder towards me. Sorry, bitchy!

Re me being at my mums: don't worry NM, it's all rather confusing where I live, even to me, lol! Yes, he can absolutely visit. I need to let him know that, like for sure, right? My parents would never prevent that. Heck, he could even sleep over in the spare room if it came to that (he would never let it come to that, not while OW is still in his dreams/Skypeable from elsewhere!). It would mean he'd have to borrow a car, or do very long public transport, or catch an expensive-ish taxi. When I am at my apartment, it's a 15min bike ride. But it's all do-able if he's keen.

[newmama]

Yes Piano you should let your H know he can stay with you at your mum's or visit. Gee do you think there is anything wrong with emailing it to him if he doesn't bring up the birth tomorrow?

I mean I just have a feeling he is going to want to talk about the plans for how you will contact him when D is being born or when to see her...at least it sure is common among most of the dads when it gets close to birth! And the fact that your H is coming around with a smiley and wants to go to the appointment close to the birth means he might be one of those dads too!
So he could bring it up in conversation.

Gosh I have butterflies for you!!!

[gatsby11]

Hey guys-- a weird man's yell was coming from outside my apartment, so I awoke, heart racing! I looked out the window, didn't see anything, saw someone else just chatting outside, so I figure it's fine. Probably just laughing/yelling. Anyway, I knew I couldn't get back to sleep so fast. And I found all y'all on here!

I love the spaceship thing

I love the "getting him used to being a dad" idea and have DEFINITE plans for my WH once the baby is born. He had better see her within the first 3 days! And, P, I totally think WH can (and will probably want to) make the drive at least once if you're there for a week or so.

And now you got that email, P? Hey, it sounds like whatever you did "worked," right? Now you just have to figure out what exactly that was!

I also have to say that people look AWFUL while Skyping. I've been doing it lately and looking like crap. As does everyone else I talk to.