OK so remember my prediction about WH wanting to come to the house on Weds? Well I was right!!
He comes by to pick up S. I do my best to put on my serious face and think "Here comes the neighbor who got me pregnant!" but that makes me laugh! So instead I just think "here is the foolish self centered alien that took over my H's body! I do not want this H!"
Well I had to share a couple tidbits of info. WH is all cheery, smiley, acting like he is just the happiest adulterer on earth! (sorry, being sarcastic!) Well he has to use the bathroom and then I remind him about S' swim class tomorrow and walk toward the front door. He says "since he has swim class, I was thinking of bringing him by at 12 and then I can lower the crib mattress and work on ..." I didn't let him finish. I said in a friendly but serious way "Oh, well I'm okay if you want to drop him off at 12 on Wednesdays from now on!" He said something like mmmhmmm...but in a snotty way.??? And kind of smirked!!
"Except I do have a dr. appt at 12 in 2 weeks..." He didn't respond. He might have been mad I think because then he said "ok, we gotta go! say bye bye! see you tomorrow!"
What do you think? I know I am sounding tough but it is an ACT! I am ACTING! Holy crap tomorrow he will drop off S and then be in the house. I guess I can just start feeding S lunch. I really don't feel comfortable saying to WH "please leave." But I don't want to let him just hang around...damn him for making me uncomfortable!
Is this where I will have to say gently "Thank you for fixing the crib mattress! OK well we will see you tomorrow at the parking lot!" and if he protests or says anything do I say "WH, at this time, I really need space. I will let you know when I am ok with you hanging out here."
Yikes- please give me suggestions on the wording! Thanks!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
OK and here is another thing. I still haven't bagged up his clothes. I actually started but then put them back in the closet. I haven't read The Secret but I was thinking that if I started acting like he won't come back then it won't happen.
ON the other hand, time and time and time again....we give up, detach, move on and THEN they come back! (if they ever do) SO will putting the bags out be helpful or hurtful toward my efforts to bust the divorce? I am trying not to think too much but it is hard for me to untrain my brain from analyzing.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
wording "ok WH, time to go now...I'm going to give myself a Brazilian bikini wax and the screams might hurt your ears" -- I vote for joking but firm...IMO your version sounds too "hurting"
about bagging the clothing -- don't put that on yourself. "H, I'd like you to remove your stuff by XXX date. Here are the times when it would work for me to have you come over and pack your stuff. Anything left over I'll assume it's for me to dispose of as I wish". In a friendly but firm way.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
lol FM! I think your joke was funny! But at this time I am not in the mood to joke with him...it seems like I want to be not too friendly not too mean but definitely I don't want to come across as if I am in pain. Thank you for responding though! Even though I won't use a joke, now I know my original idea came across as weak so I really appreciate the feedback!
OK so I will still say "Thanks for fixing that! Did you need anything else? Ok- well we will see you tomorrow!" And if he protests then I can say "I know this is hard for you but I really appreciate you respecting my need for space."
What do you think? Better? I want to be confident, respectful and take control of the interaction.
Last edited by newmama; 05/12/1003:03 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think I will wait on the clothes for my next big move. I mean I want to have something in my artillery lol!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I understand that you're not in a joking mood. (((NM)))
Originally Posted By: newmama
OK so I will still say "Thanks for fixing that! Did you need anything else? Ok- well we will see you tomorrow!"
Like that.
Originally Posted By: newmama
And if he protests then I can say "I know this is hard for you but I really appreciate you respecting my need for space."
OK, I'm nitpicking here but I'd still like to see you tweak this a bit. Why? Because 1. it's making it too much about him ("it's hard for you") and 2. still potentially comes off as a "hurting" need for space rather than a "you're in my way dude" need for space. Depends so much on the delivery of course.
How about --
"Things have changed now WH. I want my space." -- said in a friendly tone of voice (no edge). I'm suggesting this because it's strong and stripped down -- no caretaking of him, no filling in the blanks about your frame of mind. If you can avoid hurt or bitterness creeping in, then it could come off as mysterious and "what the heck is going on with her?".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If I haven't said it before I'll say it now...what kind of a&&hole would leave his pregnant wife??!! To those mothers and mothers-to-be in that sitch, I hope you make your Hs work for reconciliation if it goes in that direction. They have to seriously earn your trust if they ever want back into your lives.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know I've been talking about my needs in my thread, but when you're talking with your H, make it more about your WANTS than your NEEDS. Expressing wants shows that you're focused on thriving, not just surviving. Also, many men project weakness onto women who express their needs (it's a projection because men who are not aware of their own needs are the weak ones). Also they feel overwhelmed by expressions of need that they can't or don't want to meet.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
To those mothers and mothers-to-be in that sitch, I hope you make your Hs work for reconciliation if it goes in that direction. They have to seriously earn your trust if they ever want back into your lives.