Hi! It's 5am here - having a little insomnia moment and it's so good to read you :-)
Well I guess I want people to say what you guys say here... your marriage is important, you are being so strong, keep it up! My folks are a great support in this direction so I am very lucky. Those 'you're about to be a mum, so focus on that' statements are fair enough in many ways, but I sometimes hear it as 'your married and sentimental life was just a bit of fun on the sidelines of your life, your job on this planet is as a breeder/nurturer, woman!". Oh la la - inner Germaine Greer coming out, lol!
re vets...Allen's advice about busting the A and zero tolerance was very useful for a period, but after a long period of going dark (6 weeks) I felt I had to revert to dim in order to communicate with H about the baby... I also thoiught it might be 'safe' cos A could have been over... Allen's no doubt given up on me cos I have, as he suspected would happen, gone all mushy close to the birth and want H to be involved etc!!!! He saw it coming...
I did want H to come to the appointment providing I could be strong and treat him as the 'friendly neighbour who got me pregnant' (ha!). I wanted to continue to show him my "I've walked away" side but "am High Rd enough to include you in appointments etc".
I also had my coach's advice in mind to validate him as the Dad.
And, er...I suspect I aslo tacked on the invitation in case he rejected the arvo tea offer.
I did persue a bit with the arvo tea offer, didn't I? Thanks for being honest!!!!
Post-birth, the plan is I will go to my mum's house (only in hospital 24-48hrs max) and she + other family members will take care of me. What I give up in terms of independence and living with BIL in my apart and all the positive things that brings, I will get in round the clock family care....
Part of me wants to 'reject' this family care... well, not reject it but distance myself in some ways..cos of what it represents I guess (that is: husband missing in action!).
I am concerned about how it will impact on H's role.
If I came back to my apartment with relatives dropping by frequently and BIL there to help (and his girlfriend - I actually haven't mentioned her for simplicity's sake before but they are 2 !!! - and they are both great), that would allow H to be more involved. Geographically it would be easier for H, and certainly more comfortable.
But I need to put my care and needs first, and who would I be kidding to think that H is going to want to do such a quick turnaround and want to be there all the time?
Hi P- 5 am? Maybe you're back asleep already now, I don't know.
Why aren't you answering my all-important question, how you got your name?
Okay, now that that's over, ha ha.
The BIL situation is tricky because you want his support but you're afraid he's thinking everything is okay. (And I agree with NM- he still supports you.) I guess I'm sort of the opposite, maybe, because I WANT my in-laws to believe that everything is okay. Why? Because since they are in such communication with WH, that's the message I want them to give! I think that part of "own"ing the separation and GALing and "moving forward" is believing that this is okay for you right now.
The second trick is convincing yourself that it's okay. . .
Your situation is different from mine, though, because I'm not seeing the ILs very often now. So I'm not depending on them as much as I would be if they lived with me. I might be struggling when they're at my apartment after the baby is born and WH is not. I'll try to show them that I'm okay, though, at that time.
The vets, yeah. I'd suspect they'll be more willing to advice-give once the baby's here. Unless they had a prego sitch, it's not exactly territory they know too well!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
P- I just saw again on NM's post that it hurt when the coach told you to "own" the separation! I hope I wasn't offensive just now when I mentioned it. . .
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
G- not at all! When the coach said 'own' the separation, she was wisely coaxing me to stop being the Victim. Your point also. What hurts is sometimes good for us ! Something I need to work on.
Even for moms who have husbands living with them, extra support from your mom will aways be helpful! Just watch Bringing Home Baby!
Will your family overlook H's treatment of you when your baby is born? My family did, I was so nervous to mix them. I was nervous to have WH and my mom at the birth...but my mom promised she would be civil. And the whole family wanted WH to come back so they were very nice to him.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Piano, dont take your 's decline on your invite personally. He was probably too scared of what it would mean... R talk? D talk? OW talk? etc. he obviously has his own fears. And although i am sure it hurt you so deeply, try to understand that H is scared to be alone with you. maybe even afraid of what he might feel?
If you want him to go to the appointment with you, dont disinvite him. Meet him there, act friendly, say goodbye. Him being there will not really do you any harm and maybe he needs to take some responsibility and be there! One thing I noticed in all relationships, between H and W, siblings, friends, etc. you can assume what the other person feels or thinks. Dont tell him not to show up if you are spiting him bc he declined your invite; only do it if you truly do not want him there. he could have said he was too busy to go to the appointment, and maybe if nothing else this can begin to create a bond with your baby.
i know its hard, but in the end these baby's deserve to know we tried OUR hardest to have their father's in their lives. Look at NM and the stregnth she has in sharing baby with her H.
I dont know... i guess I'm just basing theories off of what is working for my sitch, but dont push him further away... let him walk on his own... but let him do that.
As for BIL, is it hard for you to know he is always hanging out with your H? How long is he staying with you?
My SIL came over last night just to hang out and say hello. It was nice... she is also PG. We shared pregnancy stories and had fun. Its nice to have a connection to them. She will one day be my son's aunt as your BIL will someday be your daughter's uncle. So it would be good for your baby to see you have somewhat of a friendship with her family, albeit somewhat awkward.
About owning the separation... I noticed the times i am my lowest and cry, are always when i feel sorry for myself. Yes, I think too, how can this be my life. then i hear the voices that say, then do something about it!!! What our H's did to us is disgusting... but we need to take the control back and start living life and appreciating what we have. I know its so hard. But you need to pick yourself up... for you and the baby.
Everyone does dismiss the fact that I am going through a separation with my H. and always go on to saying baby this and baby that and be strong, and you have a life mroe important than your own, etc. and as much as it hurts to hear it, maybe they just dont know what else to say. I wouldnt know what to say if I were in their shoes...
Your family support sounds great... how long will you stay with your mom? Will BIL be alone at your place at that time?
NM, no my mum and family are very good around H, on the rare occassions they have seen him. My mum is the most condemning of him (and yet also supportive of us getting back together if I want it) but can be very bubbly and normal and I trust her 100% to keep things friendly.
It is tricky sometimes when BIL goes off to see husband. Because for me H is "off limits". I never ask how it goes, or what he is doing, or intrude on the time they spend together. Often when he goes off, his girlfriend stays with me so I am not alone anyway.
They are staying with me for more weeks, maybe months.. it really depends. They are here on working holiday visas (one year) and are trying to get paid jobs. I think they'd like to rent their own little place or share with others if they could afford it.. Having said that, they seem very comfy here!!
So yes, BIL and girlfriend will stay im my apart while I am at my mums and I guess I can come back whenever I feel ready. Me not being in the apart probably means H will be over here a bit with them... Hmmmm, better make sure I don't have any DB lit lying around!!! Like you though Babydoll, I would H to be playing the carer role, not my family... it's weighing on my mind.
I think the best approach there is: don't try to second guess H.
BD, yes I do need to pick myself and and stop feeling sorry for myself. I will only disinvite him if I think I can't emotionally or physically handle it.
It's obvious to me he has said no to the birthday event because he is afraid of me. Rather afraid I will take it to mean something.
The hospital app will be rather dry... but it's a chance for him to see my stomach and hear the heartbeat and perhaps any updates of when she might arrive. The only prob is that the midwives all know my sitch...could be awkward, oh well!
The common wisdom is that it is better for baby long term and for my relationship with her if I do everything I can to inlcude him.
But that and saving one's M are not one and the same, agreed?
Off to buy bub a little woolly cardigan. It's on the 'taking baby home' list from the hospital.
HUGS and thanks for all the support and being there for me gals in these last days before bub comes, I really appreciate it.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
