No comms from H again today. H is coming to S parents evening tomorrow at school.
Do I put a boundary in about OW calling and texting when he is with the children or let it go as he knows my feelings from Sunday when I told him about the phone call?
Libby Please do not get ahead of yourself. Believe me I have been there. While there is ow, then there cannot be awakening or reconnection. I do believe you have to see all of the stages. Continue on with your life.
Libby I personally would leave it...remember no demands, no pressure...that could make them run back into the tunnel. I would use boundary only as a last resort, if he becomes disrespectful to you and talking to OW in front of you. If the kids know that he talking and texting with OW when with them and if it bothers them, let them tell him. But that's just my opinion, maybe someone else will contribute.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you for reminding about the no pressure and demands. I think I will leave speaking to H about boundaries as he knows how I feel about OW interrupting us as I made it plain on Sunday.
By not raising it again would be 180 for me so probably the best way forward.
No mention of OW when he came on Wed. I believe it was the right thing to do. Thanks for all your wise words.
His depression and sadness wee worse again. I also heard a bit of anger as well. One thing I did notice was that he was very tactile with our youngest S13. He kept rubbing his hair, patting him on the shoulder and hugging him. There was aslo occasional touching of my arm again.
His withdrawal back into the tunnel is ok because that is where he needs to be at the moment. He was looking for jobs to do outside on Wed. He is so desperate that we need him. If you remember he told the counsellor he didn't think there was a place for him in the family anymore. He wouldn't say that if he heard Jack say tonight I wish it was all back to normal! I think doing little jobs makes him feeel he is taking part in family life.
On Wed we went to S parents evening at schol. H went there as a boy. He spent the whole evening telling us which rooms he used to be in and what haunts they used there when they got into mischief. He also drove around the local area showing S places that were important to him as a child. Then he went to the local Chinese takeaway to buy food. We did this weekly before he left.
He remains in replay as he continues to live with OW in her house.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today about my situation.
This touching base every week is very difficult as he always goes back to OW as he is still in replay.
Today S asked if he could pick him up from the cinema as I had been invited to a party and couldn't. H can't do it because he is going to a party. So my party goes to support S and fetch him.
His life at the moment evolves around OW and her demands. My children have to fit in with her time table. Whenever they do something i.e have a holiday which increases his guilt H moves nearer home for a time. His ping ponging around is having a huge effect on the children particularly the youngest. S physical symtoms of stress are back.
There are still postives I see when he visits. Offereing to put some outside maintenance right, very tactile this week with our son, dogs and the cats,talking about memories from his senior school days duting parents evening, wanting to visit a chinese takeaway shop we used regularly in the months before he left and remembering the lovely meals we had from there.
To distance myself and try and regroup I am considering not being in the house when he visits. He is currently withdrawn anyway. There is currently no communication with me and very very little with the children between visits.
I know he is depressed and sad and confused. But so are all the family and at the moment they are my priority. By completely detaching I will be able to make the best informed decision for me and the children and our future.
It will allow me to stand right back and watch and gather my thoughts.
Libby...it must be so hard to maintain detachment and patience. But from what I can see your WH is making an effort and trying to reconnect with the kids. Remember baby steps....yes he is still in replay, but maybe the next stage of his MLC is slowly creeping in...it takes time, he is processing it all.
I know that it's very challenging to stay detached when you start seeing possitive changes in him...but you must...for your own sake.
Judging by your posts you really understand what's going on with him and you are a strong lady...you are doing great.
Hang in there
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
