Thanks so much Allen and Puppy for those thoughts. I think I'm starting to get it now. I have had alot of fear to overcome (and still do) because these ideas seem so counter-intuitive. But I am trying to work that correct plan. When I see other books such as Penny Tuppy's suggesting something similar, I realize that that must be best way to do it.
Allen, I actually did get a book called "The Case Against Divorce" and left it lying around. I think she picked it up once briefly. So yesterday I handed it to her and said, "Can you at least glance through this book before you decide what you're going to do?" I think she will do it.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
And the way you put things you are NOT offering her ANY HOPE
I realise YOU feel hopeless, but if you want to win her back you need to start showing CONFIDENCE...
The OM sounds like he has it in SPADES...
Handing her the book and saying "can you at least glance through this book before YOU decide what YOU'RE going to do..." you sound like you are handing her your testicles in a frying pan.
YOu need to find CONFIDENCE in yoruself and offer HER HOPE... she has NO RESPECT for you when you present yourself like a doormat like this...
I am not trying to upset you Ken, but look at the OM, He is CONFIDENT... everyone confronts him and he just laughs at them... your WIFE ADMIRES that... you need to FIND some of that...
STOP leaving HER to feel like SHE has CONTROL... THAT is going to KILL YOU here...
Handing her the book and saying "can you at least glance through this book before YOU decide what YOU'RE going to do..." you sound like you are handing her your testicles in a frying pan.
OK I get that. I need to come across more confident. I'll work on that.
A question: Tuppy suggests strict NC when you separate. Do you agree and if so, then what do I say when she asks why we can't just be friends? I just told her because it hurts too much.
And if she does leave, what if she comes back to the house? How should I handle that?
I guess I'll have to think about how to divide up the kids time and the property now and make a proposition to her about it.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
A question: Tuppy suggests strict NC when you separate. Do you agree and if so, then what do I say when she asks why we can't just be friends? I just told her because it hurts too much.
Let me be the first to say, "Blccch." TOO NEEDY.
Better:
"Because I've decided that I value myself too much to remain friends with someone who treats me like crap."
or
"Because this isn't the way people treat a friend. I've decided that I'm worth more than that."
If you've fought the A and outed it as much as possible and it is continuing, then indeed, NC during the Sep would be ideal...
I've not been very good at NC as of late, but when I did it for 3 weeks or more, it had a crazy effect...first, my detachment strengthened...I felt some power as well...
Second- W began to pursue- but this is not your goal...
The best thing to do while attacking the A is to do what Allen said- 0 emotional support, be the best dad you can be, and get busy w/ your life...
I agree w/ Pup about the letter- I did the same needy thing, so don't sweat it- the best thing is to learn from the mistakes of others...
If you can remember that you have great value even w/o W, and the your happiness is not contingent on her- in any way shape or form- you will be well on your way.
OK I get that. I need to come across more confident. I'll work on that.
As Jasper says, you will gain it when you feel your power. NC is the quickest way to recover it.
A question: Tuppy suggests strict NC when you separate. Do you agree and if so, then what do I say when she asks why we can't just be friends? I just told her because it hurts too much.
Read the sample protection phase letters
And if she does leave, what if she comes back to the house? How should I handle that?
Change the locks.
I guess I'll have to think about how to divide up the kids time and the property now and make a proposition to her about it.
A proposition????
NO propositions. She ends contact, writes a letter to OM saying such, and goes to CT w/ you or she gets out! THAT IS IT! No negotiations.
You are not getting a D so leave any talk about property division alone. You tell her you will talk to her when she ends her A and does the above. She can see the kids every other weekend and call them before bedtime. (Let one of them answer).
Say as little as possible. Keep to the statements even if you sound like a broken record. (Anybody know what that is anymore?)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
OK I get that. I need to come across more confident. I'll work on that.
A question: Tuppy suggests strict NC when you separate. Do you agree and if so, then what do I say when she asks why we can't just be friends? I just told her because it hurts too much.
And if she does leave, what if she comes back to the house? How should I handle that?
I guess I'll have to think about how to divide up the kids time and the property now and make a proposition to her about it.
Because it hurts too much?
Dude, this man is BULLYING your wife, your marriage and your children into a BLACK HOLE... that's the best you have?
Ken, you are a MAN and MEN PROTECT their HOME... what would you do if someone broke into your home and started looting the place?
Would you pour him some coffee and ask him to wipe his shoes before entering?
WIFE : Why can't we just be friends?
YOU : You HARM CHILDREN... You are worse than a drug addict... Until you act your age and come to your senses stay away from me, our home, and our children. I am their parent now... YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED of yourself. When these kids get older and want to know where their mother went I will be sure to tell them how cruel and selfish you were ... not thinking about them or our home for one bloody second.
YOU : You HARM CHILDREN... You are worse than a drug addict... Until you act your age and come to your senses stay away from me, our home, and our children. I am their parent now... YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED of yourself. When these kids get older and want to know where their mother went I will be sure to tell them how cruel and selfish you were ... not thinking about them or our home for one bloody second.
I really like that Allen, thanks. I needed that. I'm not very good at coming up with stuff like that on my own.
Originally Posted By: WhatNow
NO propositions. She ends contact, writes a letter to OM saying such, and goes to CT w/ you or she gets out! THAT IS IT! No negotiations.
WhatNow, pardon my ignorance, but when you say "goes to CT" do you mean to go with me to get a protection order against the OM?
Now here is my dilema and has been for quite some time. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE! And a Temporary Separation Order requires TONS of information, child custody info, division of property info, etc...It's a book. Do I just keep asking her to leave or what? I need help in this department.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
