tired of trying...

[beingreal]

I don't think there is an OW. I know a lot of people say that & end up being wrong...but H slid so far down in his personal appearance and attitude that I seriously doubt it. He was never unattractive to me (and I never turned him away in the bedroom), but he is nowhere near the hottie he used to be. Of course, neither am I, but I'm at least trying. It seems like H just stopped caring. No haircuts, no new clothes (except when he needed a bigger size), no new cologne (just the stuff I bought him for Christmas), no sudden good moods.

I could be wrong. I think I might feel better if there were--I could at least have something to blame a lot of this behavior on. As it stands, it is just heartbreaking and perplexing. I just don't get it.

If there is an OW, his behavior is one for the record books. He had his own computer, a really great (and uber expensive!!!) Mac he got for school. He password protected it so I wouldn't play on it. That and because I put a password on mine; but I did that so the kids couldn't download anything without permission and because he would often get into my email to snoop & accuse me of having an A based on the "Someone in your area wants to meet you!" junk mail that everyone gets.

There were times he needed on my laptop, and I always just signed in & handed it over. I didn't clear the history, I didn't hide websites, I didn't look over his shoulder to see where he was going. He thought a lot of my behavior was *fishy* (like the password), but I was completely transparent. I never hid anything because there was nothing to hide.

He found out his XW had been cheating by following her trail on the internet, so I always tried to understand why he was so weird about my being on the internet. But claiming I'm cheating because I have spam mail is not right. Even our MCer told him that it was my only form of communication with the outside world & I really needed some kind of companionship since he wasn't interested in talking to me.

I know I said there was no reason to post, but I'm willing to answer any questions and work through any ideas you guys come up with. I'm not trying to save as much as I'm trying to figure out what happened. I have to understand the mistakes in order not to repeat them.