still separated, headed for D?

[flowmom]

Another productive counselling session! I like the advice that you've been given. I also think myself around in circles.

Sorry to read that the sadness is weighing you down.

hugs!

[newmama]

Thanks ladies! I am wading through the sadness but it feels like I am fight a strong current if that makes sense. I do think I will wait to ask about the D when I am ready to accept/ give up.

Ok well I just got back from a meetup with single parents group and I found another great bar for friends or a date! I felt like "the baby" of the group until another woman arrived who looked sooo familiar- turns out we went to highschool together and she was one year younger than me. We went to the same college too! Funny.

Anyway, I learned a few divorce stories so far. One couple divorced after 17 years and they "just grew distant." It was amicable for the most part. She is not ready for a relationship yet although it has been 3 years. She has an 8 year old and 10 year old. Here is an interesting nugget of wisdom that she shared (at the end of this story):

when they sat down to "have the talk" about divorce, her kids were 5 and 7. Well, they seemed like "no big deal." A couple of years later, her son was in P.E. and forgot his shoes. When the teacher asked where they were, he was super embarassed to tell her that they were at his mom's house because he thought he was the only divorced kid in his class (or school). OK well the woman said that kids will just go through the reality of divorce in their own time; that just because you have the talk doesn't mean it's over for them. Makes sense.

Let's see- another gent divorced because they, too, grew apart. He had a 3.5 year old daughter and sees her 50%. I had the impression that the guy was willing to work things out if his wife was, but she quickly filed for divorce as soon as he brought up the fact that they were having issues. She has been angry and unreasonable too.

Another guy was never married. Right away he said that he had one son from a one night stand 15 years ago and he has raised him for 15 years. (hey- at least he was honest and thankfully he didn't abandon the boy) The other son was from a 7 year relationship (I forget how old he was) but they never married. He and his ex get along well and are able to resolve issues that come up. He said that he wants to be in love with someone and share his life with her but that it doesn't mean she has to be his wife. Turns out, his parents divorced when he was 13. His dad met a woman and they stayed together for 25 years til he died. They never married. Guess he saw that happiness is possible in a monogomous relationship without marriage!

OK sorry to be so long. What I did notice was that most of the people were either in agreement with the divorce or initiated it. There were 2 I didn't get to talk to. There were a LOT of 50% custody arrangements! Go dads! I felt proud for being the LBS and not sitting at home sulking; sure, I don't want the divorce but at least I will still GAL! I did like that these meetups were not for dating. Just friends. And dating when I want to one day.

Oh and the best thing- when I exhanged S, I kept business like and friendly. WH asked "can I bring him between 8:30-9?" I said yes. Now when I left my function at 8, I texted WH to ask him to tell me when he was on his way to drop off S. He said now and that he'd be there by 8:35. So I got to say "I'm on my way home now, too." I still beat him by 5 minutes or so but at least he got to see I was out! ha!

WH changed S' dirty diaper so he wasn't "in and out." I did my best to stay in that zone. Man do I want to bond and talk about S with him. But need to remind myself that I did that for 10 months and it didn't make him end his affair (although that must work for some people because why else is that advice out there?). So I made myself reign it in and be neutral.

[gatsby11]

Interesting divorce stories! I always wonder what the other person would say, though. My WH has been telling people that "we separated" instead of that he left. And if it ever gets to D, he'd probably try to tell people that it was mutual. (I would probably sign papers if I got them, but that doesn't mean that I wanted divorce!)

But I would think that most divorces are actually mutual.

Good for you for "reigning it in"! Since it's only been a week and a half now, or so, you gotta keep on this track.

Hope your day is great today!

[newmama]

Good point Gatsby. What would the other spouse say. Yeah- I thought it was weird how no one else seemed to be bitter about their divorce like they didn't want it! But maybe it is the stage I am in.

Anyway, on another note, I was talking to a friend and mentioned how WH was acting when he fed S at our house on Sunday. He said that it is like WH was a (unruly) dog who was let back in the house for a bit, so he was all happy and wagging his tail! lol! My friend suggested that it is ok for "the dog" to occasionally peek inside the house to see what he is missing....so that when he goes back outside he will want the house more.

Sorry to the dog lovers- my friend told me that when I changed the visitation, it was like the dog had been eating up the furniture and peeing on the floor, and despite my previous attempts to get him to stop he didn't. So I had to finally kick him outside to live. He has been hanging his head and his tail is between his legs and he checks with me to see if I will "let him in" or maybe "pet him" or maybe "toss him a bone" He is humbled. Maybe???? Time will tell. It will be 2 weeks of this change in 2 days.

[Piano]

I like the doggy story! Seems to fit well :-)

G, my husband told everyone we "had separated" too & it really upset me. He had left. HIM. Not me. Then my DB coach told me to 'own' the separation. That really hurt.

Then he told his mum I had "accepted" his wish to leave me. She said to me "why did you do that?!" and I said, "what, I was going to chain him up? He's LEFT!".

[newmama]

and I said, "what, I was going to chain him up? He's LEFT!".

lol! Yeah I used to get the old "did you give him a choice? Did you tell him you would move on? Did you tell him there was no going back if he left? Did you tell him you would start dating?"

Duh people--they think magic words would have been the answer. And I had to roll my eyes at the dating because like an 8 month pregnant woman will start dating? How about a new mom of a 1 month old? 2 months? 3? See my point....WH subconsciously knew I was stuck and "safe." til now!

[Piano]

That's right NM. I know there are men who are out there that like pregnant ladies, but aren't they also into porn, lol! What a horror show! Our H's must be conscious of the fact that we are going to be well occupied carrying a bump around and then a newborn. You're able to peep out of those woods now, NM...scary but interesting times if you're interested!

So sounds like you didn't meet anyone you really related to at the single parent's group?

[gatsby11]

Ha ha ha, NM! 'Til now!

[Babydoll]

My H also said 'we separated" when h first left until I drilled it into his head with 'YOU LEFT!!!'

I know it really bothered him to hear it and he would say you never take responsibility for our M, and I respond with, the reasons you gave me were FIXABLE! and not reasons to leave.
And I did send him an email once saying I take full responsibilty for my part. i owned up to it. Obviously he wasnt happy with the fact that he did it the way he did.

His parents also seemed to think i accepted it or wanted it... now I think they all see that it wasnt the case.

Maybe it helps our H's to think we agreed to it... that is one of the reasons why (after lots of internal battles) i refuse to sign the papers. I dont get it bc for me when i refused, H started turning around... slowly but he did.

Do you think they need to know we dont accept it? We dont want it? Or do you think its just easier for them to say we did as to validate their screwed up decisions?

[newmama]

Our Hs absolutely, at some point, need to hear that WE did not choose this! THEY did- THEY LEFT US WHILE WE WERE PREGNANT. I write that in caps because it is so low! Now I did not rub it in WH's face all the time. In fact I think I have only said it 2x in the last year (which is less than the number of times he said he wants to divorce me!)

Anyway I think the H's definitely know what they did/are doing is wrong and they can't face the shame of it so they make it sound like "separation" instead. My WH has done the same thing- when I made him expose to his family (but followed up), he said that "we were separating" not " I am leaving NM for ho bag"

And BD that is totally why I am not filing- HE chose this, he needs to follow through with the decision to divorce!