WAW EA via Text Only? Huge Tacticle Mistake!!

[DangerDave]

Thanks again - everyone's advice here is in quite contrast to the DB coach I am using, which seems to follow the book a bit more closely by having a no pressure wait and see approach. I am really confused here by what course of action to take - they both seem to make sense and have good points.

So if I intend to collect more intel, voice recorder and a key-logger, this will obviously take some more time to collect and put in play - so maybe my thought of laying low but be proactive on the intel gathering may be the best I do to develop a more concrete case when presenting to the OMW - whether or not they've painted me into a corner - hard evidence is going to be hard to dispute by the OMW?

My thoughts anyway - ??

[Allen A]

DD

There are two schools of thought on this infidelity subforum

Softball/ Little Bo Peep approach

Hardball/ Ghandi approach

Myself I advocate Ghandi... Penny Tuppy, Shirley Glass, Harley, and other family therapists endorse a Ghandi approach... they don't buy this "wait and see" business becuase they recognize infidelity as an impulse control disorder - an addiction.

MWD does not in her DR book address the addictive qualities of infidelity at all. This part is a controversial subject.

Note also that MWD suggests that most affairs die out in six months and under.. Most people on this forum are dealing with affairs that have run much longer than that.. Some for two years or more...

For a "soft affair" that will die out in six months on its own, I would advocate MWD's approach, but I don't find those to be the norm here... By the time a spouse comes here and gets into educating themselves I think hardliner action is in order... I don't consider it a flighty tryst, I consider it an addiction that needs to be confronted head on or it will just get a lot worse

Your DB coach is only going to endorse what MWD endorses... That db coach is trained by MWD and her strategies. I have read many people on here who have tried the softball route, I haven't read a case on here where that actually worked... I have heard some stories about it working, but never read any directly here.. Even if they did, they would be in the minority.

This is a dicy subject, so tread lightly... There are some here who do not advocate exposure, intervention, and confrontation etc.

I myself do, and you will find other "hardliners" on this subforum that advocate the same approach

A strong voice,
appeal to public appeal by exposing the transgressions without restraint -
No direct action on your part to stop the cheating (don't stand in your partner's way)
Do not enable the addiction in any way (cancel all cell phone and internet services you financially support etc)

If your spouse is financially dependent on you, ask them to end their infidelity or exit the premises

While this is more aggressive, it does work (not all the time, but there is significant success with this route) and often it will work faster than the softball route

You have to decide if you want to take a hard stance and act on this infidelity as an addiction, or if you want to recognize it as a flighty tryst that will likely end on its own

You can read Eyeore No MOre's thread here, or Ken's as well (he's active as of today even)... they tried the Wait and See (Bo Peep route) and it got them no where...

Read their stories if you want to a real case study sample of the route your DB coach is directing you to take

[DangerDave]

Thanks Allen, I have read Ken's and his very long drawn out stich, and agree that action is quicker and more decisive than words - and I am up against on many fronts.

My question above though - gather more this week to make a stronger case - yes/no or run with the text logs I have?

[Allen A]

How much more intel do you expect to have in 7 days time?

The thing is, your case will be stronger with more evidence, but the longer you wait, the more damage that's done... there is a clock ticking...

So, you have to gauge based on your current plans you have in place how much more intel do you expect to have in 7 days.. 14 days?

If You expect to have recorded phone convos between the two, or the actual text output yes I would wait it out, but if all you expect to have in the next 14 days is MORE phone logs I would go with that... I suspect this OM has done this before...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would read Pearlharbor's story as well.

Puppy

[jasper67]

the letter is great, but get as much intel as possibly...text logs, call logs, voices etc...the more the better, and NEVER give away the source

[ShockedOne]

Also, keep in mind, the longer you wait, the more chance your W and OM have to talk to others and put damage control in place. Get as much evidence as you can, and act fast and hard. Shock and awe type action.
Shock

[BWP]

Act fast - although my exposure went as well as could be expected (but not great at all) W had already gotten to ILs and painted me as a 'stalker'

It is a race

[dgtal]

Use a Trackstick (GPS) in her car. It will log and save wherever she goes, then you can watch it in google earth.
My 2 cents.

I had problems exposing directly to the OMW, but finally I did it. I sent a message to the OMW's son thru Facebook. He gave his mom my phone number, but she never called me but the message was delivered. Im finally living in peace at home with my wife and my daugther. I would only expose to the OMW for now, nobody else. Good luck

[ShockedOne]

DD, trackstick is good advice. Some will give you exact route, as well as stops and for how long the vehicle is stopped at that location. Good call DG, I have only seen them used by employers and parents. Never really thought about this as an application for them.