No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[Coach]

Maybe suggest to your W that she go to confession.

Even better call it by it's new name - Reconciliation. To meet again.

I went to see our old Pastor when my sitch turned bad. Did a "reconciliation" and got some advice that was very similiar to what I learned here. I really believe that taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually was/is a life changer.

[Cadet]

Mr Bond,

I just finished reading this thread, very interesting. A few months ago you said that your W is in MLC(this was to flowmom also speaking about her H). I assume that you have read the threads on MLC reconnection. You are certainly in the middle of it.

Are you on the alt?

[MrBond]

Thanks Everyone for the posts! I'm going to address each individually to give them the attention they deserve. Starting with sandi...

[MrBond]

sandi,

"She will probably always say there's nothing wrong. Typical female answer."

Funny thing is I called and talked to her before I got your response. I told her that I may not be the smartest guy around, but I recognize when my wife is hurting. I told her that it must have been extremely difficult for her yesterday (Mother's Day) and that if she had a problem or was bothered about something that she could always open up to me about it.

I told her that in the past when she had a problem that I could see, I should have been more persistent and made more of an effort to see to her needs. I mentioned that she is my wife and it is my job as her husband to take care of her and her needs.

In the end I just said that I'd be there if she needed me to do something or even if it's just to have someone to complain to, I'm there to just listen.

In the end she said "thank you".''

So how did I do? When you said that saying nothing is wrong is the "typical" female answer, is there anything that they "expect" the H to do or respond? I remember you said your H doesn't open much himself, so you understand how it is to change lifelong habits such as opening up.

[MrBond]

Coach,

You've been following my journey from almost the beginning, so believe me when I say I value your words very much.

One of the most important lessons I've learned from you is to lead through actions not words. I've been doing my best to do that. In terms of her feeling safe at her sister's place, I've done my best trying to make her comfortable when she is home. Heck I've been doing that for over a year.

I get frustrated because I feel her sister and her mom are enabling her. They give her everything she needs - her sister cooks for them, her mom takes care of the kids, I take care of the bills. So there's nothing for her to actually "work" for.

I was thinking about writing a note to her mom and sister just restating my position that I am fighting for our marriage and my family. I was going to mention that what my W does is ultimately her decision and I respect her for it. And that I am doing this because it is what I believe is right.

It seems like she's actually "recreating" her childhood. When her father left her and family, they moved in with her aunts, so there were 6 women all living together and her and her sister grew especially close during that time. My W has no close friends and feels her sister is the main person.

I really feel I've got an uphill battle. You can see what my response to her was above in the post I addressed to sandi.

Any suggestions?

[MrBond]

Coach,

Oh BTW, her main reasoning for leaving is that she just "doesn't want to be married anymore".

[MrBond]

pigskin,

I totally agree. I just don't think she's ready for that. She really has that air about her like she doesn't want to try...anything. Even if it's to make her feel better.

That's the most frustrating thing is to have someone that just doesn't want to do anything. And that she accepts things as just being the way they are.

At least your W discovered religion (even though she's got to pay a little more attention to them commandments). : )

[MrBond]

Old Pilot,

I'm not on the alt, but you can post whatever you like on here. These boards take up enough of my time that if I started getting on the alt, I'd never get any work done! : )

I totally agree that my W is in MLC. She had the triggers all at the same time 2 years ago when this nightmare started:

1) Grandmother who raised her died
2) Came very close to getting fired
3) Getting older (she's 37, but acts twice her age)
4) Depression (sleeps alot and erratic eating patterns)
5) Stressful life change - new child born

So when she had her A with her boss, she had someone who was validating, fed her sense of self worth and boosted her self-esteem. I did my best to do those as well (not knowing about the OM), but they didn't have as much weight as the validation her boss gave her. So she fell for him.

Today she denies what happened was an A (can't admit it to herself). She still acts "entitled" although not as much as before. Her moral compass is still screwy.

I encourage and validate her as much as I can and I invite her to many family things, just not all. And she always comes.

Anything else you can suggest?

[Cadet]

Anything else you can suggest?

Well you have been around long enough that I assume that you have read the MLC resources, stages of MLC, reconnection. Your W is in withdrawl, and let me just say that I can relate to this. Hopefully she will find her way out of the tunnel, and not go back into replay.

Today she denies what happened was an A (can't admit it to herself). She still acts "entitled" although not as much as before. Her moral compass is still screwy.

This is very typical.
You are getting good advice, it does not make that much difference from the LBS point of view. As long as you know what you are dealing with and although you keep your expectations low, it is good to know what to expect.

If you need any MLC links let me know.

[MrBond]

Thanks OldPilot.

I think she is in replay and is cycling right now. I'm praying she gets some kind of guidance from someone or something to help set her path. Right now she's just adrift and going through the motions in life.

Actually if you can send me what links you do have it would be great. I've checked out most of them, but always welcome more. I find that a combination of DB and MLC handling techniques work best.