Answering your question now-- he is very avoidant of his mom right now. She worries me a bit because she's so smothering.
My h's mother is also smothering and highly emotional. My C said h probably sees me the same way, since he's been treating me a bit like he treats her these past years.
P, the birthday thing is hard. It's painful for me to even read that. A 40th birthday is a huge milestone. I wouldn't wish him happy birthday, either.
It's really frustrating to be treated like someone you're not! In my sitch, I never thought it would happen because I'm not smothering at all. But it turns out that WH does want to be smothered a bit. And at the same time he wants space. I know that my WH needs to work that out in therapy, and I hope he is. I hope that your WAH can either get in therapy or figure it out himself.
Just had an idea. He hasn't been able to get a job. Do you think that once your WAH gets a job that he could start to show MLC things like buying all new clothes and working out and stuff like that? Not being able to get a job is one of the most crushing things. (Right below being abandoned during pregnancy, of course.) Just popped in my head, wanted to throw it out there.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
K, P, I've got two musical recommendations for ya. They. . . aren't really uplifting exactly, but can channel some anger. Hope that's okay!
Radiohead- Sulk "God rest your soul, when the loving comes and we've already gone. . . " (Then there's a line about his dad-- like I said, not uplifting!)
And then of course Radiohead You Do it to Yourself. AKA "Just".
About the birthday thing...there is the higher road (i.e. just wish him Happy Birthday) there is the crafty road (i.e. wait a couple of days and tell him- like you FORGOT!!!) and then of course just skipping it.
Last year I did wish WH a happy birthday by buying him the Green Day cd but no card- we had a labor class together that day.He cried of course.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Old Pilot- didn't see your last post! I wonder if cheating spouses follow the same pattern though as WAS and MLCers. Do you really think so? Somewhere in there is ending the A.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
do what feels right about the Birthday text. Tricky Tricky Question!
Although I completely understand your anger and think it would do him good to see what life is like as a D H. I also think this is a chance for you to remind him how wonderful and thoughtful you really are. You could always send a text and write it from the baby? Just a thought...
"H, Wondering if you would like to have an afternoon tea on your birthday? I am at the hospital for maybe the last checkup at 11.15 that morning. You can attend if you like." (wife)
Response: (Hi wife) I have an appointment at 12 that day, but I am going to try to move it later so I can come with you to the hospital. (H)
Back to being 'business like' and no thanks for acknowledging his b'day. I guess I was fishing and got my answer. What an idiot I am! Only interested in the baby, not me, nor marking his 40th together in any other way than sitting with me in a checkup.
I'm of a mind to backpeddle and tell him that there's a change of plans (of time or something) or that on second thoughts I would take my mother since it's any day now and she's the one going to be in the birth and I would benefit best from her accompanying me.
Broke down yesterday - I said to my mum that I cannot believe my reality. I've waited 8 months for H to join me, and it's like he never did, never made it.. the last time I saw "him" was when I waved him bye and got on my plane. He's chosen to be dead to me.
Sorry for the wallowing and self pitying, but being deposited on the other side of the world with a baby to raise alone while he promises to return to the 'bachelor life' with OW... wow...still don't know how the heck to get my head around this gals. I realise I am still in shock and probably need professional help on this matter (all my current therapy is more about watching that I don't tip into being a neglectful mother, but is not really helping me come to terms with my M problems - it;s like most therapists don't want to deal with anything by motherhood when faces with a preggo. I find it's the same with the vets here).
BIL is seeing WAH more frequently at the moment and it seems to be going well between them...
I had a friend over for dinner last night and realise I was a bit tired to be cooking meals! By dessert, bub was moving massively as if she was trying to burrow her head further down into position..?? Startling!
I mention BIL because I wonder if he also is becoming 'accustomed' to the status quo.. I haven't mentioned my distress lately (really been mindful of not laying that on him) and maybe he thinks since I let H come into the apartment the other day that I am slowly becoming "OK" with separated life. I think I will have a light talk to him and let him know without labouring the point that I am not OK with what is happening.
Piano I suspect you are right about the vets- I haven't seen them on any of your threads (Gatsby and BD as well!)
People didn't know what to tell me or say either. Just "hang in there, focus on the baby, maybe WH will come around when S is born..."
What would you like them to say? Do you want comfort? I am asking honestly.
Who will be there to help you when your D is born?
About the tea- just ignore it completely. You offered (i.e. pursued) and he wasn't interested. So no expectations, no reaction to him...let it go. Better not wish him happy birthday either! SHEESH!
Do you want your H to go to the hospital appointment?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
oh yeah and when you mention that BIL might be getting accustomed to the status quo- you might be right. When my friends and family learn nothing has changed they don't exactly ask how I am or want to talk to me about the situation. It's like "same old same old- she is not cracking, she's doing fine."
I don't think it means your BIL has accepted what your H is doing though!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
