tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Here's an example of what NOT to do...but I did it anyway & I'm glad.


I realized that my sitch is unique and following the conventional rules were not going to work here. So I just this once followed my gut & broke some rules.

Our earlier conversation still had me peeved. So I called him & told him we needed to talk, as I was only going to have this discussion once and I was tired of waiting for him to calm down enough to talk with me--so just listen, let me finish, and then you'll have time to respond. Believe it or not he agreed to this. Here were the few things laid out for him...

~There was still a way home, it was up to him to take it.
~I outlined the things I would need to see happen on his part before I could feel that he was serious about working this out. Dr, IC & meds, job, and quit drinking/drugs (because there is no way I felt he was clean and sober right now).
~I told him that I would wait six months to see if any of things happened, and if they hadn't, then I would be filing for D.
~Of course if he felt that he was NOT willing to do these things in order to save our M, then he was welcome to file well before then.
~I would not begin, nor engage in R talks with him before the six months is up. Period.
~I would also not tolerate being called names, being cursed at or berated at any time by him (or anyone else), and that if he did, I was going to say goodbye and immediately hangup.


He listened and when he finally spoke, he launched into all the reason why he was glad he was gone.
~I was controlling
~I was lazy
~I was concerned more about my friends & being online than I was being with him
~add any number of complaints here--he hit most every cliche there is

I told him that I'd been wrong, that I'd made mistakes and that I was going to have to deal with those. I could apologize all he wanted (and I have), but I was not going to shoulder all the blame and let him throw it up on my face every time we talked.

He accused me of telling *everyone* that he was a *insert any foul name you want here* and telling people that he'd left. I told him that wasn't true, that I'd never said anything bad about him to ANYONE and that the only thing I'd ever said was that he had some stuff to work out. "No, I don't. YOU were my only porblem."

Whatever. I'm not his BFs XW who went out of her way to make life difficult for him and continues to do so. I wasn't his brother's XW who got so crazy he had to get a restraining order. He said, "Not now, but you will be eventually when this is over."

The conversation continued to deteriorate; him yelling, me yelling back, me crying, him telling me that every point I made was based on feelings--not fact. I told him it didn't matter if that's not how he saw it, that's how I felt.

He feels that our M took a nose dive at 7 years, and blamed my being on the internet. Ummm...not exactly.

I reminded him that at 7 years he'd quit two jobs, we'd filed for bankruptcy, lost our house & he'd just told me that he had a drug problem. He managed to tell me that those things didn't matter, I don't know how--there is no denying that those things had happened just at the time I started to withdraw.

By this time we've stopped yelling, although I'm still crying.

I told him that I felt very much alone. He had never come to me as an equal, put his arms around me & told me it would be okay. He never offered up any form of emotional support for me. Instead he started blaming me for everything he was going through. I needed him in that respect, and he had decided not to be there. What way did he expect me to react to that?

He told me that maybe we had gotten married too fast, that we didn't have enough time to find out if we really liked each other. That we didn't even know each other anymore, only that we didn't like each other and couldn't get along. I told him that I refused to believe that it takes 7 years to see the real person--that something was going on that he couldn't even describe, much less acknowledge, and that the easiest way for him to deal was to blame me.

In the end he said that he would probably do three of the things I'd outlined--but he denied being on drugs and/or drinking. He said that he had six months and right now he just wanted me to leave him alone (???). He said he didn't appreciate my having the kids call every night. (again...???). I told him I called for the kids for two reasons; they missed him terribly, and he would never be able to say that I had hindered their relationship in any way, shape or form.

I told him that his relationship with his kids was his responsibility from now on, and I wouldn't be saving his butt. He would either be there for them, or not. It was up to him.


So that's the way it ended. I will file in six months unless he has proven that he wants to work on us. He is welcome to file before that time if he wants, I won't fight him. I don't initiate calls for the kids. I will have no contact with him for six months unless it involves the kids. We are each free to date if that's what we want--no questions asked--but he has no desire for another woman ("why would I after what you put me through?").

Again, whatever.

I will update this thread as warranted, and I plan on sticking around to help and learn from everyone else. But there is nothing more to write here. i bought a beautiful journal to write in while I try to keep the wheels on this crazy train.

I've marked Monday,October 11th on the calender. I will start paperwork a week before if need be (I truly think the need will be), and walk into the courthouse bright and early that morning.

I will have until that day to work on me. And on that day, if I am filing, then I know without a shadow of a doubt that my new life will be happy and better than it's been for the past ten years.

For now...I'm done.