Coach, Dan here seems to think that talking to an atty -- and certainly CONVEYING any sort of legal stance -- toward his wife is going to drive her away, and isn't conducive to "working on the marriage." I've tried to tell him that the one has nothing to do with the other, and mentioned you as someone who used a VERY strong legal stance effectively to save his marriage.
thanks for checking on the upthread,
Puppy
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Dan, So one lesson you can learn here is that when you thought your W's word was good about no contact w OM, she only went deeper underground w it . Learn.
The other thing I think you should understand is that you can hire an attorney and save your M at the same time. My dear H hired an attorney - a big bulldog of a lawyer when I left him to protect himself and our family. And I can promise you that all he ever wanted was to preserve our family. Just bc you have legal advice does not mean you are throwing in the towel. My opinion is that you would be foolish not to seek legal counsel. FOOLISH! Your W is gearing up to leave you, Dan. You need to get your ducks in a row. The less help you have legally, the easier you make it for her to walk away. I need you to know that it was the legal tactic that my H took which gave me te pause I needed to see what I was facing. It made me think twice and that was the second thought that turned the tide.
Greek
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I remember this post, didn't realize it was Greek that posted it. Thank you for the response, and hope you will check back with me often if you have the time. I feel like I'm in the 11th hour of our demise and want to try anything to get my life and marriage back on track. I have an appointment today with an attorny today at 4:00pm. I will post here as more transpires. Thanks to everyone !!
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Ok, so I met with the attorney and it didn't look good for the home team. It was exactly as I thought, I would basically be losing my kids and paying her over $1400/month in a no fault divorce case. In my state, the father gets 98 ovenights, but more nights can be negotiated if the other party is willing. That sucks!! All the more reason to try and avoid divorce altogether. The only thing that came out of it is the house would be mine because I purchased it before we were married. Ok so all that lawyer legal mumbo jumbo aside, I basically have no rights.
So my wife texted me before I went to the lawyer and asked me if I went to see a lawyer yet. I said no which wasn't a lie because I had not physically went yet. She said she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. I told her I was confused as well and we are facing a challenging time in our lives. We can choose two paths, one where we face our issues together and keep our family together, or split our family and go our seperate ways. I also told her that once we're split though, that cannot be undone.
When I got home, she was in a pretty good mood and she said she wanted to start over with me. I asked her what that meant and she just said she wants to work on us. I didn't pry too much, I just kept the conversation short and sweet, I wasn't rude, I wasn't confrontational, I answered her questions and didn't cause any tension. She later said she talked to one of her friends who offered to watch the kids for us if we wanted to go out on a date. I told her I would go out with her if she felt comfortable doing that. We'll see where that goes. She also said it's ok if my parents come over on Sunday for Mothers Day and she would be here too. She called her mom to see if she wanted to come up on Sunday, but she couldn't and is going to come up on Monday and stay for a few days. I think that will be good if her mom is here a few days, it will take my W's mind off OM maybe?
So I went from thinking it was divorce city for sure yesterday to maybe things could turn around for the better? It's up and down around here...but I'm still going to stick to my guns and keep referring to Sandi's list of "don'ts" to try and turn this sinking ship around. I don't even care about the stupid texting crap, I'm going to try and keep my mind off it and not pursue my wife so much, not explain why our marriage is worth saving and see what effects that has.
There may be hope for us after all, it's day by day it seems.
Dan
Last edited by Dan1977; 05/06/1011:02 PM.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
My wife has not texted OM since 5/6, and she only texted him once that day...hopefully to break it off with him. Things went pretty well over the weekend. We went out to a nice lunch on Saturday, we went and seen a movie and then we went shopping. We went out with my family for mothers day for lunch and it's been pretty low key. Things have been nice between us, and I admit I'm not giving her the cold shoulder and probably bought too many clothes for her for vacation. She wanted some sexy things to wear to bed for vacation, so it was hard to say no. I couldn't help it, I've only had sex 4 times this year and the thought of that with my wife in a romantic setting on vacation was hard to ignore.
So I guess things are better than they were, but she still sleeps in our daughters room. Hopefully that will eventually change, but I'm not asking for everything right away, I'm ok with baby steps as long as she can keep her end of the bargain and not talk to OM. He's still a friend on her Facebook page, but I have it set to block him if she tries to navigate to his page. I'm not going to press the issue right now, I'll wait and see if she deletes him (again) like she did last time. I can't make my wife love me, and when I try to force her to do things, it only makes her rebel against me more. My best card to play is to lead by example and show I'm a changed better person which will draw her closer to me instead of me physically telling her why our marriage is worth saving.
Things are going well, hopefully we can making baby steps towards the road to recovery. My next meeting with my therapist is on Wednesday, so I will see what she has to say about my situation as well. Look forward to everyone's comments...
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
I think your wife is simply laying low, and being nice to you, until:
- this nice vacation you're paying for; and
- she sees what your legal stance is going to be.
Someone doesn't go from 1400 text messages in 20 days, to "only one since 5/6, just to break it off with him." (and again, you used the passive word "hopefully" there).
Once the vacation is over, and she sees that you're not going to give in to her legally (unless of course, you DO), I think you're going to see the re-conflagration of her affair.
Have you established boundaries with your wife yet?
From reading through your thread, your pattern is conflict avoidance with her (with the exception of your occasional blowups of course). You seem to take a "head buried in the sand" approach, often using words like "hope" and "maybe".
Your wife has violated marital boundaries in a significant way. She may even have consumated the relationship with the old boyfriend - you don't know.
The amount of texting and messaging was clearly indicative of a significant involvement. And I agree with Puppy that this is not the type of thing that she could cold turkey off of. Do you recall the nature of the ex that you shared with us? Do you think he said, "Oh, ok" when she "hopefully" told him that they were done? Somehow I doubt that.
Peace does not always mean peace. You are decieving yourself if you allow quiet and calm to mean she's back in your camp.
Still, if she is SAYING that she wants to work on things, then I say fine, put her to the test.
1. No hidden phones. 2. No lying about any contact whatsoever with other people. 3. Commit to marriage counseling together. 4. Complete openness on passwords to internet sites and email. If there's nothing to hide, then lets not hide it. 5. Commit to a time each day for just the two of you to share honestly with each other - lots of books and websites out there with ideas for opening up honest communication.
My feeling is, you're either in or you're out. If you're not sure, then you're out. Your earlier analogy about the secret phone being like a beer to an alcoholic is right on the mark. Extend that analogy to this point. If she is leaving room for being out, then she can't be fully in. And given her level of addiction to this other guy, if she leaves the door open to running back to him, she's eventually going to run back to him.
The question you should be asking yourself (and more importantly, answering brutally honestly) is what is different this time from last time?
What has she DONE this time that is different than what she did last time? Because I haven't heard anything different. As far as I can tell, she's on a rollercoaster. When she's up, she's flying fast and furious with OM. When she's down, she starts pondering whether or not to fix things with you. I'd just call this a down time.
And I'd be worried as hell about the next up time.
Think about it.
And be smart.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Dan, I agree with the guys here. Plus I doubt seriously that she wanted the sexy nightwear for "you". Not many WAW's who have only had sex with her H 4 times within the past year is suddenly breaking off her A and ready to wear sexy stuff for the MR.
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but she still sleeps in our daughters room.
See what I mean? She is not "saving" the sex for the vaccation--if she is ready to be your wife. If she's still sleeping in the other room....that should tell you a lot.
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He's still a friend on her Facebook page,
Not a good sign. But if you are okay with this setup and you can wait it out....showing you are the better man, then I hope you can endure. But be prepared for a letdown in the sex department during your vaccation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1400 text messages in 3 weeks is indicative of a VERY strong addiction. If she indeed ended it, your wife -- since 5/6 -- would have been displaying the symptoms of HARD WITHDRAWAL. Depression. Possibly even illness. Horrible mood swings. Crying fits and angry outbursts (perhaps interspersed with loving episodes).
