My WAW - Chat/Text Msg affair with her ex

[Bworl]

Have you established boundaries with your wife yet?

From reading through your thread, your pattern is conflict avoidance with her (with the exception of your occasional blowups of course). You seem to take a "head buried in the sand" approach, often using words like "hope" and "maybe".

Your wife has violated marital boundaries in a significant way. She may even have consumated the relationship with the old boyfriend - you don't know.

The amount of texting and messaging was clearly indicative of a significant involvement. And I agree with Puppy that this is not the type of thing that she could cold turkey off of. Do you recall the nature of the ex that you shared with us? Do you think he said, "Oh, ok" when she "hopefully" told him that they were done? Somehow I doubt that.


Peace does not always mean peace. You are decieving yourself if you allow quiet and calm to mean she's back in your camp.


Still, if she is SAYING that she wants to work on things, then I say fine, put her to the test.


1. No hidden phones.
2. No lying about any contact whatsoever with other people.
3. Commit to marriage counseling together.
4. Complete openness on passwords to internet sites and email. If there's nothing to hide, then lets not hide it.
5. Commit to a time each day for just the two of you to share honestly with each other - lots of books and websites out there with ideas for opening up honest communication.


My feeling is, you're either in or you're out. If you're not sure, then you're out. Your earlier analogy about the secret phone being like a beer to an alcoholic is right on the mark. Extend that analogy to this point. If she is leaving room for being out, then she can't be fully in. And given her level of addiction to this other guy, if she leaves the door open to running back to him, she's eventually going to run back to him.


The question you should be asking yourself (and more importantly, answering brutally honestly) is what is different this time from last time?


What has she DONE this time that is different than what she did last time? Because I haven't heard anything different. As far as I can tell, she's on a rollercoaster. When she's up, she's flying fast and furious with OM. When she's down, she starts pondering whether or not to fix things with you. I'd just call this a down time.


And I'd be worried as hell about the next up time.


Think about it.

And be smart.


Blessings,

Bill