IMHO the LL is to be used when the S is not a walk away. It doesn't work on a WAW. No matter what her LL is, it would be seen by her as you pursuing.
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Is now a good time to drop the rope and pull away? When she is intrgued again?
Don't know if you are asking if you should wait until she is intrigued or "if" she will "be" intriged again. She isn't now and will not be unless something happens to cause her to be. Personally I believe dropping the rope will help that along. But, it is your decision and you must do this for YOU.....and with the thought that YOU are going to be happy in life with or without her in it. You must not approach this as if another 180 and use it as a tool to draw her back b/c there is always that chance she won't allow herself to be drawn. I hope you understand that part of it.
I really believe if the LBH would decide to drop the rope that it would wake up the WAW, but it is not 100% pure fact. But look at it this way, the M is over....it's dead anyway you approach it. Wouldn't dropping the rope be your best route? If she does not like the new & improved you, at least you will be going forward and hopefully like the man you've become.
P.S. I don't want that to sound as if I am promoting divorce. If I was, I would not be here trying to help save M's.
Last edited by sandi2; 05/11/1005:34 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Should I just ignore her physical advances? I almost feel like if my issues before were not being affectionate enough that I need to try and be more emotionally available. It's tough to do that and drop the rope at the same time. I can assume that her emotional state is so all over the map right now that I can't really trust them.
It's a tough call wether to try and use these advances on her part to show her I have begun to acknowledge her needs in our R or push them away and drop the rope. I can't help but thinking that dissing her advance would only confirm what she has come to know in the relationship.
I know she is so emotionally confused (so am I!) and she will be flip flopping back and forth. I guess regardless of how she acts, I need to stay consistant regardless of which direction I go.
How would you treat her if she was your cousin? You would try to be "tolerant" of her trying to hug you. But you would reach around and gently take her arms from around you (with a "kind" smile on your face.....like you were her older uncle) and then move away from her and find something else to get busy. Always have something in the back of your mind that you can find to do.
If she just throws her body on you and tries to take you down.....tell her thanks but that you aren't in the mood,or simply say, "Thanks, but no thanks". Why are you afraid of this? B/c it doesn't seem to your emotions what you should be doing. All of this stuff seems opposite of what you should do.....but it works. If you were to give in to her advances, then you would fail her "test" to see if she could still control you in that area.....and she would suddenly go very cold afterwards. She will try just to see if she still has an affect on you. But if she sees that you can't be moved....it will make her want to have you even more. It worked on you, didn't it. When you thought you would lose her, didn't it wake you up?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Went to a dinner party last night without W. I was really conflicted about going but I always have felt that I could or shouldn't do things without her. I guess part of GAL is not thinking that way anymore. I don't know how she felt about it (she was asleep when I got home) maybe this creates some mystery?
Should I just ignore her physical advances? I almost feel like if my issues before were not being affectionate enough that I need to try and be more emotionally available. It's tough to do that and drop the rope at the same time. I can assume that her emotional state is so all over the map right now that I can't really trust them.
Any ideas.
I would. Especially if we're talking about sex. Partly because its something some women use as an instrument of control. I might even say something like, "Sorry, I'm not comfortable being intimate with someone committed to ending our marriage. It seems inappropriate."
"Sorry, I'm not comfortable being intimate with someone committed to ending our marriage. It seems inappropriate."
That will lead to nothing good if you say that. It sounds so.......well, a lot of things, but it will not be near as affective as just giving her that "I know what you are doing, and I am not the least bit interested" look.
The LBH does not need to find every little opportunity to throw "words" around. It comes across as being "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes", preachy, and at best....self pity. Remember that the non-words work better. "Show" her....don't talk her to death.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Sorry, I'm not comfortable being intimate with someone committed to ending our marriage. It seems inappropriate."
That will lead to nothing good if you say that. It sounds so.......well, a lot of things, but it will not be near as affective as just giving her that "I know what you are doing, and I am not the least bit interested" look.
The LBH does not need to find every little opportunity to throw "words" around. It comes across as being "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes", preachy, and at best....self pity. Remember that the non-words work better. "Show" her....don't talk her to death.
I will agree to disagree. I agree that anything you say needs to be supported by action. And I also agree that guys that are LB do say more than they should and act less than they should.
Im still confused alittle about the outcome of GAL and how that may be interpreted as me giving up on the R. If I normally was distant and that got me in this sitch, then will continuing to be distant do more damage? I know I'm doing other things to try and be a better version of myself but if I'm never around how will that work?
I went to a dinner party last night and was out late. Nothing innaproriate happened but I couldn't help felling lime I was doing something wrong having fun while my W stayed home alone. That's my codependency rearing it's ugly head isn't it?
I know I did alot to hurt our R but she wants to leave and I don't want her to. What good will staying home and being misrable?
Im still confused alittle about the outcome of GAL and how that may be interpreted as me giving up on the R. If I normally was distant and that got me in this sitch, then will continuing to be distant do more damage? I know I'm doing other things to try and be a better version of myself but if I'm never around how will that work?
I went to a dinner party last night and was out late. Nothing innaproriate happened but I couldn't help felling lime I was doing something wrong having fun while my W stayed home alone. That's my codependency rearing it's ugly head isn't it?
I know I did alot to hurt our R but she wants to leave and I don't want her to. What good will staying home and being misrable?
I know it's confusing, and it's very hard. Your confused because she has changed the rules.
GALing is for you to help you let go. It also has the effect of making you more interesting. SHE told you she doesn't want to be married to you. SHE is giving up on the R. She knows this, so by you GALing, you're respecting HER wishes. As for how you show her your changes, use the opportunities that naturally come up, not initiated artificially. You say you were distant in your M. Me too. Were you distant with people in other parts of your life too? I was, and my W saw it. Usually if someone has a problem in them that causes marital troubles, it also shows itself it other parts of their life too. Those are the areas she will notice the change, if she still cares.
I'll give a few examples from my sitch that I think made an impact.
In the past, I did not radiate much "warmth" to those around me, including my W. Definitely one reason she walked away from our M. I am a much warmer person now, that's a change I made in myself. I coach my son's basketball team, and my W sees me interacting warmly with the kids on the team, and their parents. I am open and friendly. My W sees me joking and laughing with the people who run the basketball program. She noticed.
In the past, I was lazy about making plans to go do fun and interesting things. She used to have to do it all, and then drag me begrudgingly along. I now make all sorts of plans with the kids. I planned a whole spring break vacation with them, and had a great time. I didn't do it to impress her, I did it because I decided I wasn't going to be such a stick in the mud, and I realized how much I missed doing those things now that she wasn't around to set them up. She noticed.
I was stagnant and non-passionate about my career. I have now turned that around, got a promotion, got more responsibility, more respect, and more income. I'm more enthusiastic about it. She noticed.
I let myself go physically. I started running, stuck with it, and even ran a marathon. She noticed.
I always wanted to do more with my music. I finally got motivated, put aside my fear, and started performing in public. I thought the kids or someone would have told her about that, but I was surprised to find out just a few days ago that she had no idea. She asked what I was doing with my music, and when I told her she was thrilled.
In all the above examples, I said nothing to her about them, because I did it all for me. Treat her like a casual aquaintance. You wouldn't go out of your way to impress a casual aquaintance, but if they were there and saw something impressive, they would probably notice. In fact, that's often times how women come to find themselves interested in a man. The man has no idea a woman is even the slightest bit interested until she's already been silently watching him for a while. Once she approaches and gives signs that she's impressed, the more nonchalant the man acts about it, the more impressed she gets.
Look at me trying to pretend I know the slightest thing about women! Ha! LOL!
