My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[rr22]

H doesn't want anything from the d. He just wants out and I can have everything. He is a liar about the ow.... But I still truly think he is deeply depressed. He said today that he is broken and he isn't taking drugs or going to see a psych dr. Apparently getting help for yourself isn't an idea that makes sense to him...




That is the nature of depression. Depressed males blame their families and look externally for solutions rather than change anything. You can't fight it. Let go. Maybe he will get help in the future or maybe he will look for "magic love to cure depression" in a series of loser OWs. You don't want to watch that. Sorry this is going on. It sounds really hard on you right now.

[nicole8]

My h is still pushing for me to sign the d papers. He came over and explained them to me and then told me I was a smart girl and should be able to figure these out he is the stupid one. He also thinks he is not good for me. He doesn't enjoy anything in his life at all... Not work, our house, friends or the fishing trip he went on this last weekend.

His friend will be here this weekend and he doesn't want to see him at all... Really? ? He asked me if I had enough money because he doesn't need much and he still wants nothing in the d. He said he would sign the house over right now if that is what I wanted. He is also willing to take responsibility for any debt we might have if we do sell the house.... Seriously he cares about nothing and he doesn't want any material posessions we have. Why doesn't he care about anything at all?

He doesn't want to talk about anything he is feeling except that he should feel "in love" with me if we were going to stay m. I told him that isn't what love is and he just won't look at me. I brought up the ow and how it is toxic in a m... He said she is gone on the other side of the country and doesn't want to be with a m man... I told him I thought that was a lie because her facebook page says she is in school here. He said he doesn't have facebook and he was told she left the state. Maybe he is telling the truth I don't know, is he going through withdrawal? Is he lying? I told him lying to make me feel better wasn't right. He said nothing.

He is just dead inside is all he can say and that I can't trust him again I would always have something in the back of my head. He doesn't love anyone he cares for his mom and he cares for me but he doesn't love anyone or anything. I asked if he thought he was depressed and he said "ok, I'm depressed but what am I suppose to do about it" I told him there are options and he didn't respond. He wouldn't talk anymore about how he is feeling because he said he would end up curled up on the couch crying like a baby again andhe didn't want to do that again.

Oh, and his brother found out about a friend who is sick and dying. He is really upset I guess and my h said " at least he has drugs" yes, that's right it is ok for his brother but not him. WTF?

I don't know what to believe. I think it is an act but then I think back over the last 3-4 years and it can't be.... He feels horrible snd guilty about what he has done that the only solution is to go out on his own and let me be "free".

[nicole8]

Seriously what alien space ship has abducted my h??? Is he ever coming back to earth, will he get help for himself? I think he isn't going to be willing to get help... Why?

[TimeHeals]

It's the same space ship that took my W

I got the same guilt-ridden speeches up until she left this weekend.

And this weekend..., as she finished up the packing and waited on the movers, she kept saying how surreal all of it seemed.

I have had a feeling things are surreal a few times in all of this (the last time was yesterday for about an hour while visiting my parents), and I didn't like it one bit.

[awest1217]

Your H is severely depressed. He doesn't care about anything and I would be worried about suicide. At this point, I would go to MIL, not about OW or anything like that, but out of true concern for H and his depression. I could totally see him wanting to assume everything and get a D so that he can feel worse and get to a point where he could end his life. You keep thinking it is all about OW, but maybe he wants to be "free" so he doesn't hurt you by doing something bad to himself.

I would stop focusing your attention on the OW. Yes it hurts, beleive me it hurts. I know I have been there, but with you it is a symptom of depression (mine is just immaturity and selfishness). The more I hear the more I think he needs help.

The only advice I would give (and someone with more experience with depression may want to say if I am wrong or not), but I would say you will think about signing the papers if he will go to IC. Let him know you are concerned about him and his wellfare so you won't sign the papers until you know that he is getting some help from someone and is wanting a D with a clear mind. Once again I am sure this will work, but if you come at it as you are concerned about him and not demanding it, as it sounds the way I put it, but letting him know I care and you are setting a boundary, so I am not going to let you ruin your life could help him get the help he needs and help your M.

[nicole8]

My ic suggested I tell my h that I will sign the papers while he watches a video on depression. The video she recommended a special by PBS called "men get depression". I watched it, it's not bad. The men in the video actually sound like my h.

It does worry me that my h cares about nothing and will assume all debt. Why would he do that? I know he has guilt but come on... I have actually decided I should talk with my mil.

[rr22]

He is just dead inside is all he can say and that I can't trust him again I would always have something in the back of my head. He doesn't love anyone he cares for his mom and he cares for me but he doesn't love anyone or anything. I asked if he thought he was depressed and he said "ok, I'm depressed but what am I suppose to do about it" I told him there are options and he didn't respond. He wouldn't talk anymore about how he is feeling because he said he would end up curled up on the couch crying like a baby again andhe didn't want to do that again.



No one has to be an MD to know your H has really bad depression.
Why will his mother not open her mouth? Because she is afraid he will move out, isolate, and have no one? Because it's pointless? Seems she could try once at least. Even a general physician could discuss this with him and get him at least a few months of help.

Ask him to come for a few sessions of divorce counseling with you. Not fixing the marriage counseling. Ending the marriage counseling. Maybe have him meet individually with IC about his mood issues during this time. Tell him you will sign the papers after he does this, if he will. Then maybe you won't feel like you didn't try if something bad happens to him.

Yet it's not your responsibility to make him walk into a doctor's office if own his mother can't or won't do it either. Men refuse health care treatment every day and it will probably destroy you to watch him continue to bottom out.

By not signing the papers, you are not helping him. By signing the papers, you are not helping him. Signing the papers is actually irrelevant as to whether or not he will choose to get help and get better. What a mess.

This is a terrible sitch and I'm sorry you are going through it. I'm not sure what you should do. But you need to accept that nothing you do will impact much. Unfortunately.

I can't wait until you are free of this situation for your self and your own life. The aliens could return him in a few years, but they may not. Divorce or not.

[nicole8]

I have said a couple of times that I don't want to sign the papers. This makes him mad and he'll say that he'll just go get a lawyer then... Which I don't think he wants to do. He has said that neither of us can afford it.

Regardless if I do or don't sign the papers I don't think he cares enough to involve lawyers because he is just so lost and empty. I don't know what to do. He said on sat that he might try to come by on mon evening for me to sign. Mind you j could just sign them they are sitting on the coffee table and then drop them off. I'm trying to make him work for it, in a weird way I guess.

I don't know why his mom doesn't do/say anything.... I think she probably knows how stubborn he is and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do...

I wonder too if he is faking it or just making things seem worse than they are. I don't think he is... He did say he only gets the lump in his throat when he comes over to our house. That made me feel really great. I wonder if it would go away if he stopped lying?

I so want this to be over and I know that we can still have a strong renewed m... If my h gets help. Well we will have to wait and see what happens. At this point I am going to request he watch the video with me and I will sign the papers. After the video I might try to talk with him snd get his feelings from him. That is if he isn't pissed with me.

[nicole8]

I talked with my husband again. He just seems so distant and again can't tell me what will make him happy. He thinks he hasn't found true happiness, and doesn't know what it is. I asked him when he was happy last and he said maybe he can remember times where he thought he was happy but then realized he wasn't... Really? That isn't normal or is he just feeding me a load of bs?

I asked him if he really didn't want anything and he said he'll want more of his clothes and a chair of his and maybe some tools. That's it...

[awest1217]

It is all normal and completely normal for a spouse with depression. My H said the same thing. He even signed a paper saying he didn't want any visitation or anything with our S. Your H is just talking about stuff, but to not want to see your S, now that is crazy. This is all attached to his guilt of what he did and his depression. He is probably trying to punish himself by not taking anything.

Also you need to stop asking him how he feels. He really probably doesn't have any clue how he feels. It really is not a line. He at least is telling you he is not happy and wants a D. All I have gotten for over a year is "i don't know". Everything is "i don't know". You say you want to hear how he feels, but when he tells you he is unhappy or that he wants a D, you think it is not true. He is telling you how he feels right now. Yes, that can change, and yes he is not thinking clearly, but for right now he is unhappy and feels he has always been unhappy (although it is just because he is looking through dark glasses), but those are his thoughts right now. You need to work on listening to him and stop projecting your feelings onto him.

I agree he is a dirt bag and may be lying some to you, but I believe he feels guilty and is depressed so he is doing what in his crazy mind is best for you. Is it crazy? Yes, but you need to listen to his feelings and validate. You can postpone signing the papers so that you can buy yourself some time, but in that time listen. Tell him things like I understand you are unhappy right now. Don't use the word but. Just say I understand you are upset. Say things like I am sure that is hard on you. Things like that to show you are listening, but don't say anything else. If he asks about the papers either say you ahve been a little too busy to read them right now, or you are still looking over them, etc. to buy time.