Up til now, almost everything you have said and done has served to feed the exciting drama of the affair. (If you don't know what I mean I can explain it further.)
Yes, please do explain. As I told the coach, his response to my exposures was like swatting a fly with a cannon ball - totally extreme, given THEIR betrayal and total disregard of boundaries.
Also in your tag line, you say that your WS moved in with OW 12/09 and you went dark but started "peeking out" 3/10. Does that mean he regrets moving in with OW and that you're trying to reconcile? Just curious...
You and the coach already figured it out!
And NO! we are no where near reconciliation. I just have my emotions under control so am able to deal with him without it hurting me. A few issues with the kids forced contact, which has led to a few convos about him. He is still with OW in their no-tell ho-tel!! here's my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2000506&page=1
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Red I don't see how thegrad student will think less of you. I am imagining that he is fond of you both. Your H is putting him in a high pressure, uncomfortable position. I am sure that the grad student will feel uneasy and guilty if he goes along with your H's wishes.
Like if H asked your kid to take one of mommy's shirts from the closet and put it in the garbage. Your kid loves you both, so he wants to listen to his dad, but at the same time he doesn't want to put the shirt in the garbage because it is his mom's. He does it anyway but feels guilty.
See what I mean? Sorry if that analogy was dumb! lol!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Red I don't see how the grad student will think less of you. I am imagining that he is fond of you both. Your H is putting him in a high pressure, uncomfortable position. I am sure that the grad student will feel uneasy and guilty if he goes along with your H's wishes.
Thanks, newmama - that does help. He's a good kid who just went through a VERY emotional breakup with his girlfriend, so I'm sure this must be very uncomfortable for him.
One of the other grad students who dislikes OW hurried through her studies and left last year because she lost complete respect for my husband, her mentor. So sad...
[quote=WhatNow] In your tag line, you say that your WS moved in with OW 12/09 and you went dark but started "peeking out" 3/10. Does that mean he regrets moving in with OW and that you're trying to reconcile? Just curious...
And NO! we are no where near reconciliation. I just have my emotions under control so am able to deal with him without it hurting me. A few issues with the kids forced contact, which has led to a few convos about him. He is still with OW in their no-tell ho-tel!! here's my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2000506&page=1
Interesting story, WhatNow. Similar to my tale in many ways with the yelling at the kids/not attending their activities, etc.
I had to drive myself to the hospital when I went into labor with our first child, and the "two weeks off, I PROMISE!" with baby #2 dissolved into 1 afternoon off that he spent napping. I've let him work as much as wanted to for 23 years - often 60-70 hours a week - with little or no household or childcare responsibilites, and yet he told me that he'd be a lot further along in his career if I hadn't dragged him down so. Nice!
Looking back, I sometimes wonder why I'm being so loyal to him, given how poorly he's treated me over the years, the last 3 years in particular.
Where's that hot, smart guy that I spent hours debating and dreaming with all those years ago? Who treated me like a Ming vase whenever we were together? Who could make me blush to my toes with just a naughtly lift of his eyebrow? Where did he go?!
And who is this alien that has taken over his body? I'm ready to evict THAT guy...
WH acting strange this week - don't know what to make of it.
Have basically ignored him all week since overhearing him make snide remarks about me to grad student Monday night. He "rushed home" Tuesday by 8:20 pm to have dinner with family -- and was ticked that we'd eaten an hour earlier (never called to say when he'd be home). He also skipped a social function Wednesday night and was home by 9 pm (he never skips!). Needed his help to run kids last night @ 5:30, so he headed back to work at 9. When I asked him what he needed to work on since he doesn't have class this morning, he rattled off several things in minute detail - which meant he was really going back to spend time with OW. He was back by 11 (early!) and quickly proceeded to get drunk, which is VERY out of character for him.
This morning he was seeking me out to discuss kids and bills and tell me his plans for this evening. Again, out of character.
Would like to know what's rattling around in that mid-life crisis head of his.
my feedback--too soon to tell the future, but his behavior has changed in correlation to your change in behavior...so keep doing what you're doing!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Heard through the grapevine that grad student confirmed to OW that WH is sleeping in basement...and she freaked! Didn't expect him to go through with it. Is giving him cold shoulder, told him not to expect anything from her, etc.
NOW she worries about how busting up his marriage will make her look to her peers? About 3 years too late.
WH had work-related community outreach program that he wanted to take kids to last night. Didn't ask me to go. They were gone from 6-9:30 last night.
This morning I hear from kids they left the house, picked up OW and another grad student and went to function. Dropped off other grad student on way back, then went back to work where WH helped OW look for something in lab for 45 min while kids run amok. He never mentioned OW was there.
Don't know if he took kids to report back and rub this in my face, or if he'll try to play the "the kids were there to chaperone" card, which he's done before. Had I know OW was going to go, I would have kept kids home. Do NOT want her influencing them in any way.
Should I confront him? Ignore it? Play the 180 card? What?
Dang it, Red, I was hoping someone who was wiser would respond first.
Ok here is a question- how often do you think the kids have been around OW?
And could you somehow in the future find out where the kids are- give the 12 year old your cell phone? ???lol! I don't know- but I do think it is pointless to confront your H. I mean what have you get left to take away/threaten him with? Seriously- what is there left for you to do if he doesn't respect your wishes and leave OW?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
They aren't around her that much and I prefer to keep it that way. Then again, he's not been this blatant before. I do NOT want them forming any attachment to her.
I didn't mention it and he kept pretty much to basement all day. He was charming and calling me by one of my pet names when I did see him. He also did his laundry and brought all his clothes back to our room, where he gets dressed. He had been keeping some things in basement but brought everything back up. Then he had dinner with us - first time all week - before he went to work for 5 hours with OW by his side.
I honestly don't know what to make of him. One day I think the db'ing is working, the next I'm sure it's not. Hate this roller coaster!
