Yesterday DD told me that STBX said to her she's never going to come back and never live at the house again. It really broke my heart because DD started crying saying 'I want mommy and I want mommy to live here'. ...I just don't think she should feel the burden of thinking about this stuff. She's not even 6yo for goodness sakes.
Agreed, this needs to be addressed, ideally by BOTH of you sitting down together, IMO, and talking to DD. This isn't about who initiated what- she's too young to understand the why and she will know the truth later- it's about doing everything possible to make sure your DD feels the strength of love from both of you, even if she doesn't understand now why you're not living together. She will need lots of extra reassurance in the coming weeks and months. If you can, talk to STBXW and get on the same page about this- you can even see a C to discuss co-parenting, etc. if she will go.
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So here're a couple of ways I could respond to STBX:
1. Send her a 3 part email. a. Copying and pasting her old 2007 emails and the promises we made to eachother etc.
No. Why? Do not go here, please, SR. get away from those old emails- as someone else pointed out, they're agonizing and too triggering right now, and she will not listen to anything there- she will claim she was misguided or insane at the time, or something equally hurtful- it will not get you any satisfaction.
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b. She shouldn't discuss things with DD in such a finality way that it hurts DD's feelings. She's moved on and OK with her decision but she shouldn't expect a little kid to understand and accept it.
yes. I really think you guys need to sit down with DD together to address this after first talking with the 2 of you- on the phone or in person- about what you will say and how to explain.
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c. Tell her that I don't want to be in this relationship either, it's time that I start to find out what it's like to be with women who appreciate me and want to be me. (tough love ala Robx, Gucci and Gnosis)
IMO, this is one of those thoughts you think but don't send. It just lets her know that she's gotten to you emotionally, I think. I think you should matter of factly just discuss DD and the D process as if it's happening and you're on board. Showing any kind of emotion, no matter how small, will not help you feel better. You tell US about how you deserve to be appreciated- and we will agree with you 100%
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2. Simply respond to her email and say something about DD's heartbreak over what she told her.
3. Simply respond to her email without saying anything else
I can't now remember what her email was- about the schools? I think these are 2 separate emails- and the non-school one about DD's feelings and emotional state is preferably over the phone. Going back and forth on email (believe me, I do the same thing and prefer it, but sometimes it's not ideal) leaves gaps in time, the option to not respond, etc.
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Here's the deal with her, because of her roommate (another mom going through D) she's got someone there to constantly support her and therefore it's become so much easier for her to move on. It's like me living with one of you guys. I already know that they eat dinner together, they go out to movies etc together. It's like there's no chance in heck for me. Probably worse than the OM senario because with that chances are the spark would die out, OM would likely cheat on her and then the reality would hit hard. Here I don't have much to work with.
They may be supporting each other now. Just wait til the friend starts dating someone and (possibly) had no time for her anymore. She still needs to get a real life to truly move on, just like you do. I see you in 2 mindsets, SR. One is that you realize you need to let go and move on and see the wisdom of doing that. The other is still asking "do I have a chance?". I think - strong opinion w/only caring for you in mind- you need to shift 100% to the first and stop the latter- it's making you crazy. If you still have a chance, as you've pointed out yourself, it will be AFTER this whole thing and probably a ways off. Rather than vassilating about your chances now, you need to devote all your energy to 1) getting through this with your self-esteem intact 2) taking care of DD 3) working on yourself and filling your life up so that you are happy with or without her.
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How do you guys see it? What should I do? I feel that if I tell her flat out that I'm moving on and don't want this unhealthy relationship with her...in theory this is supposed to make them feel they've lost you and put them in the pursuit mode but in this case and knowing her she'll just sit back and say 'oh well, even he doesn't want this relationship so I'm doing the right thing'.
I was thinking just weeks before the last bomb hit how it all seemed so normal. I'd hug her and just hold her tight and sometimes she'd let all her weight fall into my arms and I'd pick her straight up etc...
OK OK...dropping the rope...
Talk to me guys!
Re-read what I wrote above- tells you how I think... Here's how you can deal with the first question- just don't address whether or not you want to be in this R. You've already told her you do in many ways, correct? She either heard you or isn't able to hear you- repeating it will not make it sink in, will just annoy her and make her feel like you're standing in the way of her moving on. I know, it's easy to give this advice- you know I struggle w/this same question myself, but objectively, it's the right thing to do. You just deal with DD and business right now.
The reminiscing- it's better for you if you don't go there- it rips out a little piece of your heart every time you do. Much, much in the future you will be able to take out these bittersweet memories and ponder them with more detachment. Now, you cannot- please try not to focus on them, they keep you from being whole with yourself and moving forward. I know it's hard, so hard, That's part of what keeping busy and GAL help with.
So, in sum: - respond only to business, with business - keep it very very short - tell her you need to talk about DD, over the phone or in person and then sit down with DD to talk to her together. Take the lead of the mature adult who has his child's best interest in mind. This isn't related to who did what or why the D is happening; it's about, given what is happening that you can't change right now, how will you let her know she is loved and that will never change, and make her feel secure?
((((SR))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
