It wasn't the most difficult. There have been harder moments in this process. Maybe they've made me stronger, or more able to cope with it. I think I was more prepared for this than she was actually. She said on the ride home: This seems so surreal. Do you have moments where you just can't believe that this is your life?
And I thought about it and said, I used to.
I almost felt guilty that my mind was already off and running on the future.
At the same time when I got home, I had the sense that, up until now this was all almost a game - trying out a new life, seeing if I could do it, take care of the boys and the house and everything else, pulling myself out of the pit and rising to the challange, and saying HA, I can do this no sweat. And now - it's really my life. This is how it is now.
Yeah, I'm re-experiencing the sense of loss, and the sense that this was all avoidable. And now that all the crap is out of the way, there are no more decisions or negotiations or conversations or recriminiations, I do love her and I do miss her, and if she came back right now and said let's make this work I'd say yes. (Well, I'm safe in believing that because I know she won't, so there you go.)
I miss the life we had; I miss the life we COULD have had, that we planned to have. Somehow something went wrong. And I think I'm to the point of understanding a great deal of it.
She was still struggling this morning when I dropped the kids.
