I live with the divorce filing over my head. Recovery seems impossible.
Recovery is not within grasp at this point. I was going to tell you that it is not an appropriate goal, but that would be hypocritical of me as well as inaccurate. But it can be your Big Goal. If you were in Med School the Big Goal would be to become an MD, or a specialty beyond that. But what must you do to achieve that goal? Set recovery aside and work on the present. Do what you can and change what you can.
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He will not listen.
He’s in MLC; he’s not going to listen. This is one of those things that you can’t change; learn to Accept. Your MLCer can change it, but he will only do that when he chooses.
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for trust and reconnection to grow- balance needs to be established.
True, but that is not going to happen now. If you work on that as your goal, you will burn out quickly.
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He just says his way or tough [censored].
Straight from the MLC script. I know it sucks, but fighting it will only make things worse. Accept. You get a choice too, but you cannot control him.
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If he has decided to go- why the h$ll does not he GO? This is torture.
He will. You can either speed that up and kick him out, or let him make the decision. There is no right or wrong here. I don’t advocate either because it depends on what the LBS can handle. If the LBS can withstand an at-home MLCer, then do it—you can withstand the torture, but how much? But most MLCer will leave eventually. That doesn’t mean they will not return, but most MLC marriages experience a separation. While he is at home you are learning valuable communication and coping skills for dealing with an MLCer. As you detach and treat you MLCer with respect, dignity while also treating yourself well by setting respect-boundaries, your MLCer will file your behaviour away for later processing. They remember how we treat them. In the moments they are hateful and spew because they think we are standing in their way. It is only later that they are grateful. Years later.
MLC averages 2-7 years and I am of the opinion that 2 years is on the short side. Expect 3-4+. You need to consider whether you are willing and able to handle that and if it is worth it. There are no guarantees for marital reconciliation after that.
Can you Stand? Will you Stand? Is it worth Standing if there is no reconciliation?
Answer those for yourself. But knowing a little about MLC may help you in answering. That hateful spewing is the MLC Monster. And recover may not seem possible for a very long time. If you are like most, you will at some point believe it is hopeless, but reconciled couples felt that way too.
