Moving on with my life #2

[Startingover2]

Thank you ST...I haven't been here at all lately. I miss it, but I think the daily/hourly journaling kept me more stuck. I see your updates on FB...you are doing well.

Exh is a lost and broken soul. I guess some may say he deserves what he is going through now, but its very hard to watch. In the last week, he has broken down and told me and the rest of his family his drinking is way beyond him and completely out of control. This is a huge step for him as he always thought he could manage or control it on his own. He also told me that he was sexually molested and raped by one of his fathers male friends as a child. This doesn't surprise me as most of the other older siblings have been through similar situations. Exh has never talked like this before and avoided all conversations regarding molestation if/when his siblings brought it up. I always had wondered if it happened to him. So has a few of our therapists by the way he acts out sexually (woman to woman etc.) and his knee jerk reactions and decsions...along with the substance abuse. They are all high symptoms of childhood abuse. He was 8 years old when it started and around 10 when it stopped. Makes me sick to think about it. He has someone looking for a good therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that will help him deal with his addictions and his past. He has great insurance now, so thankfully that will help.

Where do I fit in? Not sure. I told him I will obviously support him in this, but cannot get too close. Its easier said than done though. He is around alot more and baby loves it. By more, I mean on his visit days and longer periods of time. He is helping me do some things around my house too. I know the 'road to hell is paved with good intentions' and these are just words now until he does something..but to me he took a big step coming out like he did and admitting he has a major problem. He knows he will loose his children if he keeps up and also probably die soon as well. He has been to AA meetings every day since last week.

So I go on with my life as best as I can and still encourage him to do well. Life is busy for me too. I am trying like heck to get my studying done at a reasonable rate. I used to get up at 4:30 and work until 6:30 but baby has decided to wake up when the sun comes out at 5:20. Now I work when she goes to bed at night. Not my best time as I am an in bed by 9 kind of girl! I have Bible study, MOPS, mommy groups, and my own kids and their stuff.

Doing ok for now. I just keep praying for the right words and actions.