Question

[awest1217]

Well the downward spiral hit...H was sick so didn't come for dinner. I didn't care so I mowed and did some yardwork. Then I go to make dinner and...the oven did not work. It won't light or do anything. I called H to see if he had any idea about what I should do. He figured out some stuff, but ultimately I need to call a repairman to come and fix it. It is 15 years old so worse case senario I will have to buy a new one, which I can afford however that was money that I finall saved to D. Every time I save the money...something big breaks or something so is God trying to tell me to hold off? I doubt it, but it just urks me.

H talked to me for a bit on the phone about his job and how things are going well for him and ....
I kept trying to cut it short, but couldn't so finally after I hear him planning and planning for his job next year I asked about his living arrangement for this summer (in 3 weeks) and he said as always "i don't know". I then quickly said good bye and after about 20 minutes everything hit me and I just cried and cried. I am so tired of having no one to help me when I need help. I am tired of being the strong one all the time. I kept typing out mean texts to H and then erasing them because I was so angry.

Finally I did text H a question, "do you ever get tired of our relationship?" As always I get the usual with every question "I don't know." then he asked if I did. I told him I do and get more and more tired of it every day. He then said how he understands that I think he never thinks about me and has no responsibilities, while I do everything. He said that he understands that I am mad about him not doing anything for me over the weekend. I said I just want more. I want someone who will be here with me everyday to help me when I am weak. He said that he feels that I don't love him anymore. I said that I still love him, but there is so much more I need to tell him. If I have time between everything else going on, I might send him an e-mail. I doubt it, but I might. I am just so tired of his stupidness and selfishness. I have so much building up inside of me about how mad I am and disappointed I am and so much more that one day it will all have to come out. I have always been kind and considerate to him because that is who I am, and I don't want to ruin any chances, but are there really any chances left? Do I really love him? Do I really want to keep hearing "I don't know" from him the rest of my life?

The answer every question but the middle one is NO. The Do I love him, I don't know. I believe love is a choice especially the type of love the holds a marriage together through these tough times, but I don't know if I want to choose to love him. I knew a low was coming...so here it is...plus it is rainy today and my allergies have flared up, and now...THE OVEN!

I will get over this down just like the others and actually last night I kept telling myself, you have a great house, a great S (who kept trying to give the oven water to fix it lol), a great bunch of friends, a great life. Who needs him? But for some reason I just can't kick him to the curb, probably because I still do love him and am scared that he won't try to stop me so I will have a failed marriage and although I know I tried, it still is a failure to me and I hate to fail.