your story is inspirational and leaves hope. I know I need to just let it go. What does that intail really? No pursuing I imagine. GAL, letting go of the rope? Keep my PMA and really focus on bettering myself.
W never brought up division talk yesterday ( like she planned to). Trying not to look into that too much. She did have a phone conversation with her mother and after said "it's really hard to act like nothing wrong". I've done a better job of GAL this weekend. We always do everything together and I usually feel like not doing much without her but I am trying to change that.
I told some of my family about our sitch and they are all beig very supportive with either way this turns out. It feels good to know that people are prying for us.
W just asked to meet for lunch. Assuming this is the division talk. Nervous. So I just go along with what she wants and try and gauge her emotional state?
We met and she was very emotional and I held it together. I mostly asked her how she wanted to proceed. I told her that I was trying to live in reality and that was that of course she shouldn't be married to a guy that treats her poorly and I was upset that I had become someone who would do that. I told her that I was trying to become a better man and I have no control over how she feels, just how I act.
I told her I was codepndent in our R and that's not good. I don't want he to be either.
Not sure what happens now. The concert I mentioned earlier is tonight.
Well I copied & pasted my picture of what dropping the rope would be, but it's JMHO and that's all. I hope this might explain what I was trying to say.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a ____ what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi awesome. Just awesome. Love the description. You have chimed in on me in the past and thank you. Great mental picture. Very helpful
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
That makes so much sense Sandi, over the last few days I am getting so many mixed signals from the W.
After the division talk I think I really had her stumped. I didn't react like I normally would and I think that really threw her. Later that night we went to the concert and as we waited for it to start she went on and on about when we would do this or tell these people. I was getting really upset but I just said "I haven't thought about that yet..." I could tell she was frustrated that I wasn't agreeing with her but I wasn't fighting her either so she would just sit back and be quiet. Then she would look around and see all these younger people Nd say things like "I feel so old" "this year I will be 29, divorced and all used up" things to try and get a reaction out of me I think. I just kind of ignored those things.
I did go and get a few beers for us but after that I just went and got them for myself and she asked if I wanted one I would say "I'm fine".
We got home and she was alittle drunk and started in with all the "you don't really care" and all that. I wanted to scream, "you have no idea how much I care!" and "do you know what I'm doing to save this M!" but I just kept quiet.
She went to bed and in the middle of the night and then again this mornig I woke up and she was cuddling me, the she would move away, then back again. It's not like we do this all the time so if was subconscious or routine.
I am so confused, of course I want any chance to be clad to my W and show her that now that I know her LL I can be such a better H and lover but I have a feeling that all the vets here are gonna say this is a bad idea at this stage of our R. Is now a good time to drop the rope and pull away? When she is intrgued again?
That makes so much sense Sandi, over the last few days I am getting so many mixed signals from the W.
After the division talk I think I really had her stumped. I didn't react like I normally would and I think that really threw her. Later that night we went to the concert and as we waited for it to start she went on and on about when we would do this or tell these people. I was getting really upset but I just said "I haven't thought about that yet..." I could tell she was frustrated that I wasn't agreeing with her but I wasn't fighting her either so she would just sit back and be quiet. Then she would look around and see all these younger people Nd say things like "I feel so old" "this year I will be 29, divorced and all used up" things to try and get a reaction out of me I think. I just kind of ignored those things.
I did go and get a few beers for us but after that I just went and got them for myself and she asked if I wanted one I would say "I'm fine".
We got home and she was alittle drunk and started in with all the "you don't really care" and all that. I wanted to scream, "you have no idea how much I care!" and "do you know what I'm doing to save this M!" but I just kept quiet.
She went to bed and in the middle of the night and then again this mornig I woke up and she was cuddling me, the she would move away, then back again. It's not like we do this all the time so if was subconscious or routine.
I am so confused, of course I want any chance to be clad to my W and show her that now that I know her LL I can be such a better H and lover but I have a feeling that all the vets here are gonna say this is a bad idea at this stage of our R. Is now a good time to drop the rope and pull away? When she is intrgued again?
Please help.
You are finally getting it Tattoo! Counter-intuative. You are beginning to see what works, you already know what doesn't. Do what works.
