Journalling: H made pancakes and had a mug made with S's drawing on it. I cried. All the happy chemicals going through my brain right now having us all together "like old times" - I can't believe the difference in how I feel as opposed to the depression of the last year. I can't help but think this is so much better for S as well - having a happy mom instead of a depressed mom. I know I'm supposed to be making my own happiness, but I have to say it's biological.
So I"m in heaven, but it only gives me more of a glimpse of what I am missing .... it's like a starving child who gets one fantastic meal, then back to the streets...
I do think you're smart to get some info on custody stuff. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me to have 50/50 custody when you're been the primary caregiver for son's entire life, but often divorce/custody laws in states don't make sense.
I'm glad you grin and fake it around S. I know how hard it is, really, I do. My H was/is classic "Disney Dad". They are on the go all the time when he has S. In the summer it's every park within a 60 mile radius, hiking, mini golf, etc. In the winter it's the arcade at the mall, indoor play places and anywhere else H can keep S entertained without much effort. Happy Meals for dinner and popcorn (yes, really!) for breakfast. Meanwhile I've singlehandedly dealt with all the times he's been sick, the night terrors, potty training, not going to the bathroom alone myself for 5 years, having to mow the lawn after S goes to bed with a baby monitor glued to my ear because it's the only time I can get it done...
I'm sorry S is still acting out. I'm sure it is 100% normal in this situation. Can you talk to S about him saying all that "dad is the best and I love him more" thing? I think I'd flat out tell my S that mom and dad both love him more than anything and we know he loves us bunches too, but saying you love mom more or dad more hurts the others' feelings. That it's ok to love us differently like you love how dad roughhouses with you and you love how mom snuggles you at night, but you don't have to pick one of us to love more.
Good for you on the eating more and smoking less. Eating is important! The smoking? As a "former" smoker, if it's getting you through the days, have at it. When people gave me [censored] for starting back up after the bomb, I told them it was either that or crack and being a drunk and the latter two would get my baby taken away, so I was going to smoke. LOL
I wish I knew the magic things to tell you to do, but I don't so I'll try to will some strength and peace across the continent to you.
Happy mother's day! You're a fab mom and even if H dosn't appreciate that, we do here!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hope, we'll follow you where ever your thread goes!
[/quote]So I"m in heaven, but it only gives me more of a glimpse of what I am missing .... it's like a starving child who gets one fantastic meal, then back to the streets... [quote]
That's the roller coaster. Gotta keep it in perspective. Try taking a step back, like viewing your sitch from another's perspective. Just don't want you to suffer through the down crash after the wonderful up. Try and smooth out the road.
But I am glad there's pancakes, mugs, and good feelings!
Good advice Avermont--you had a good day Hope, there WILL be steps back. Prepare yourself.
I too had a wonderful Mother's day--way too good--I'm nervous today. Not only did I have a great day yesterday, today is MONDAY--or in my sitch, MELTDOWN day.
I have to keep telling myself, this is how I prove to H that things are different. I need the bad to prove it. He is already slamming doors and having little "fits".
I read some threads about the moms that didn't get even 1 nice thing from their H's for Mother's Day--boy, that was depressing. I will take today, because I did get yesterday!!
YEs, we are lucky with that. FOr the first time in a long time I was clear about what I wanted - and asked for it - pancakes made for me in the morning and some nature time with S "H is invited to come along if he wants" and he did.
HOwever, he beat it out of there at 2:30 and I could only panic about OW.
Despite this I was determined to have a good day with S and I did.
Today not so good. I basically slept the day away. Part exhaustion from a week of rehearsals/performances yesterday, part utter depression - like AVermont said, the crash.
How am I supposed to stay dark with H here so much? I dont' know I can ever impact him as it seems that the successful ones on these forums have had to go months with NC before the WAS makes a turnaround on there own.
I'm so full of grief I could not function for half a day. Then I brushed myself off and enjoyed the rest of the day with S.
PLease - I need new tactics here - help! I can't go to the neighbor's house any more - her MIL owns half the house and is not comfortable with it
Trying to just accept and let him go in my mind, hoping that helps, and he'll feel it but is that just a bit too esoteric?
Hey Hope.. yes, I had no contact with bf for 4 months, apart from a few emails. His turning around was entirely internal. I heard a phrase.. let them feel the weight of their decision.
So you behave as though you accept it, without saying as much. I didnt initiate contact at all during this time, just responded. I was ALWAYS friendly, jokey, warm. I never let him see a chink of hurt or sadness.. as this only compounds their guilt for leaving you and starting a new R and they cant handle how that makes them feel, so they avoid you. Yuo dont want that!
So they left, they are dating, you respect that. As much as we loved them, love and being in an R is a choice. A very personal choice and you cant make someone love you, or make them come back, as much as it kills, I know.
What you can do is not react in the usual way (b*stard, sue their *ss, cut their clothes up, be vengeful, hurt, pleading, crying or move on and date someone else, etc)... but be cool. Stay single, but be accepting. Give them what they want - they chose to leave so you act like you accept that. It gives them the space and permission to really feel how they feel about giving you up.. sort of, you made your bed, lie in it! But in a loving, compassionate way (so no hurt remarks or references!) Sorry, not explaining very well.
When bf was dating, I never once mentioned Helen. The first time I saw him in Novemeber, after he had been with her since August, we met in a pub and talked all night - neutral subjects. I was upbeat, funny, smiled, made him laugh (whilst I was dying inside and desperate to throw my arms around him). But I made NO reference to her or his new life with her. I thought of other things to talk about that were a little more linked to either just him, or us (family, joint friends, old injokes, funny anecdotes). I guess you have to be an actress. I thanked him for coming. He cried when he dropped me off, so I held HIS hand and let HIM talk whilst I comforted HIM! (crazy huh).
I think you should move to Separated, or MLC, if you think he's in one.
I also think you should work on yourself a bit more, IMHO. You still blow in the wind too much and get very upset/and or angry about stuff. Yuo say you are a stay at home Mum - now that there is a presumed D on the table.. do you have any plans to get out to work again? Even part-time? Maybe this would shake your H up a bit. It would be good for your self esteem too.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think you should move to Separated, or MLC, if you think he's in one.
I usually don't like telling people but I think your H is in MLC. I have thought that for many months.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
How am I supposed to stay dark with H here so much? I dont' know I can ever impact him as it seems that the successful ones on these forums have had to go months with NC before the WAS makes a turnaround on there own.
This is true. Detachment does not come easily. At first it is fake it until you make it, but as time goes along it does become easier.
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
do you have any plans to get out to work again? Even part-time? Maybe this would shake your H up a bit. It would be good for your self esteem too.
Hey, I think you did really well--your H hung around quite a while on Mother's Day, and the fact that he left quick may have meant he was in trouble! or worried about it!
Good for you for telling H what you wanted--and then getting it! Clear communication!
I don't think you should change too much--you are getting small positives. Work on yourself, if you need to "change things up". Do you have a cute summer haircut in mind? or a sexy new swimsuit? My sister has a suit just waiting for me to come and get it--very, VERY sexy. Totally not going to be what I normally wear. It is still a one piece, but with some interesting "cutouts" she tells me.lol.
