Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

I thought about my R with my W, and I could not go back to any kind of relationship until the A is over completely, and she vows to work on the M if that ever happens. I would have to have her have some kind of accountability and do more than just be nice for a couple of days. It is a start I guess, but it would take a lot for us to get back to some kind of M. I will not D her; she can do that if she so decides. I will continue to live my life the best I can for me and the kids.

I know now that it will take me a lot to go back because all I want to do is move forward and be happy now. I have been finding peace more than unhappiness these days, and I like who I am. I am glad I am me and not her. She must be truly miserable to do what she has done. That is really too bad for her.

I guess I am moving forward no matter what happens. I like the sound of that! It makes me feel empowered.

I do have along way to go, but I will make it I know. I am just starting my journey to find myself. It is going to be a good journey with or without her. I am happy to finally be able to write this even if it is only for this moment.

I have been finding myself attracted to other woman, and flirting a little too. I would never be in another relationship as long as I am married and in this one. But it feels good to have these feelings again.

I like working, and I hope to have any full time position and have my own money, so she can't say that it is her money. I just like things that way.

I still love her, but I do not have the same feelings the way I use to. It would take a lot to get them back. I am not only detaching, but I feel detached more than ever. I do not even feel M sometimes. It is strange, but it does not feel so bad as it use to at this time. I am happy right now, and I like that feeling more than anything. I guess I am moving forward where ever that is going to take me I don't know at the moment, but it will be interesting to see where I am in a year from now, and what I will be doing.

I will continue to work on me, and this job is GALing for me. I love time to be away from everything, and it feels so good to be me. The kids are happy, and home is home in a "funny" kind of way.

I just needed to write how I felt at this moment.

I hope if the A ends, we could work on our M and take responsibility for went wrong, and change those areas for both of us. I do know that it is not completely her fault for what was wrong in the marriage before the A, but since the A, that has been all her, and until she understands that there is nothing for us to work on.

My thoughts stopped there...