embracing change

[Kalni]

I was taught and willing to learn that "it is ok" not to have basic needs met. I was too proud to ask and too stupid to manipulate (act like a woman/girl/feminine/Mairylin Monroe). End result: I educated my H that it was ok to give very little. Your needs as described and probably the rest as well, are BASIC. Without those needs met, you can call your post man your husband. As it usually happens, I turned to Gfs, friends, family to cover the needs he should be taking care of. OW demanded her needs to be met. And she got that. Funny thing is, men DO want to take care of us, they feel useful and good about themselves. It really is a sad misconception...

Now in piecing, I am having to educate him all over again, that I want gifts, soft talks, touches, support, encouragement.
K

[Cadet]

Probably not a complete list, but you get the idea. Unrealistic?

No these are not unrealistic. They are different than the previous posts but certainly you should have these needs met in a M.

It is not something you can ask for until you are back in a R.
Right now you would need to keep your expectations at zero.

[flowmom]

I was taught and willing to learn that "it is ok" not to have basic needs met. I was too proud to ask and too stupid to manipulate (act like a woman/girl/feminine/Mairylin Monroe). End result: I educated my H that it was ok to give very little. Your needs as described and probably the rest as well, are BASIC. Without those needs met, you can call your post man your husband. As it usually happens, I turned to Gfs, friends, family to cover the needs he should be taking care of. OW demanded her needs to be met. And she got that. Funny thing is, men DO want to take care of us, they feel useful and good about themselves. It really is a sad misconception...

I can soooo relate to this Kalni.

Now in piecing, I am having to educate him all over again, that I want gifts, soft talks, touches, support, encouragement.

Thanks for explaining this Kalni...I see better what you're up against in piecing.

It is not something you can ask for until you are back in a R.
Right now you would need to keep your expectations at zero.

Yes.

[rr22]

Hmmmm. Food for thought. Hope you are having a good week.

[flowmom]

It's D's fourth birthday today and yesterday I asked H if he'd be willing to have a family picnic for lunch to celebrate it. H agreed. Other than bedtimes (where we basically split up the kids, no togetherness), it was the first plan for time together as a family since the separation (over 4 months).

It's been a very difficult day so far. I want D's birthday to be special, and peaceful of course. The day started off well with the children playing happily. The plan was for H to spend a few hours with the children in the morning, then have a family picnic, then I'd take the kids for the rest of the day.

Once H came here it became obvious that he was in a foul mood. He was clashing with S6 (who was feeling fragile due to being jealous of the D's birthday) and they were getting into conflicts. At some point H said to me angrily: "on days like this I HATE having a special needs child" (out of earshot of the children I hope). Then he told me "I'm going to take D out...I can't handle S6, I'm going to strangle him". I agreed, and later on H and S6 managed to calm down enough to manage a short family picnic. H has gone now...thank goodness.

I didn't intend for a temperature check, but boy did I get one. Apparently the prospect of having a short family picnic together put him in a totally foul mood (though I've noticed that his moods around the children have been backsliding in general). During the picnic H wasn't able to make a single "small talk" utterance to me. I acted calm, "normal" and celebratory. It was weird because I realized that he was the one with the discomfort. And I'm thinking "why???? haven't you gotten what you wanted, dude? Is spending one hour as a family in the span of four months THAT bad?". I didn't bully him into doing the picnic, it was his choice to come.

Today I realized that, right now at least, I've made more strides in detachment than H has. I think that someone who is detached would be able to participate in a short family event and be able to engage in brief pleasant conversation.

Anyway it was a good experiment. I think it WAS meaningful for D to have both of us there, but overall I think in other situations the down sides of arranging family time would probably outweigh the benefits for my children. H has a long way to go before there would be a net benefit.

I feel mild sympathy for H's apparent suffering, but I'm sure I'll get over that once I get the inevitable bomb of being confronted with the details of his love life one of these days. "V" is obviously on the horizon somehow, but it still feels theoretical to me.

[flowmom]

Another stressor has been dealing with S6 harassing/bullying one of the new neighbours (a 5 year old). There have been a few incidents during S6's child care time, which is obviously challenging for me to manage. I just had a long conversation with his mother about potential solutions and what it's all about, etc. It sucks because I feel for her and her children trying to fit into a well-established community. OTOH, it's very hard to control everything when children are regularly playing together in communal space. I find dealing with these things SUPER stressful. I can take proactively steps to ensure that her child isn't a target for S6, but there may be a high price to pay for our family...like S6 having even less freedom to play with his friends in the courtyard and like discontinuing a childcare situation that has unique benefits that I can't replicate. Ugh.

[Gardener]

fm, I'm sorry you had such a day despite your purest intentions.

Once H came here it became obvious that he was in a foul mood. [quote]Nice. On D's birthday. Couldn't hide it for a coup;a hours for her (everybody's sake?[quote=flowmom]He was clashing with S6 (who was feeling fragile due to being jealous of the D's birthday)

Normal "jealousy" even under the best of circumstances.

and they were getting into conflicts. At some point H said to me angrily: "on days like this I HATE having a special needs child" (out of earshot of the children I hope). Then he told me "I'm going to take D out...I can't handle S6, I'm going to strangle him".

Well, someone has to be the adult in situations like this and clearly it's not him.

H has gone now...thank goodness.

That statement says it all and speaks volumes.

And I'm thinking "why???? haven't you gotten what you wanted, dude?

He has (be careful what you wish for...parts of it my just now be biting him in the arse).

Today I realized that, right now at least, I've made more strides in detachment than H has.

You are miles ahead of him in that regard. Proud of you.
Hang in there, fm.

[courageous wife]

Hi FM...just checking in and again, so amazed at how well you are doing!

On what your H said about "I hate having a special needs child"

I don't have one and will not even pretend to know what having one is like but I just want to say that both my H and I have said in the past (not in front of D11 EVER) that if we would have had her first instead of S14 that we would have probably stopped there! I hate to even admit that....S14 was such an easy baby and is pretty laid back most of the time and D11 didn't sleep thru the night until she was 9mos old and is such a "girl"...has been Miss Drama Queen since the beginning and is now going thur puberty! My point is, that both H and I just said that in frustration...we didn't really mean it, well, at least I didn't...I am sure your H was just frustrated....

[flowmom]

Thanks Gardener

My point is, that both H and I just said that in frustration...we didn't really mean it, well, at least I didn't...I am sure your H was just frustrated....

Oh, I get that. I guess what bothers me is that H seems to be the one with "special needs". Sometimes he is truly over-reactive. I used to think it was just me, but once the children reached a certain age they have triggered him too. And the reality is that when you're dealing with a special needs child, it really doesn't help them to indulge in one's own frustrated impulses...they pay a much higher price for that than typical children do. I lose my patience too, but even at my worst I don't have the out-of-control energy that H has. My DB coach Dotty was very insightful about that...she recommended that I communicate with H as if he had "sensory processing disorder" and needed to be communicated with in a very careful way. I'm sure that would have made a difference if I had started ten years ago.

[Number 8]

It was weird because I realized that he was the one with the discomfort. And I'm thinking "why???? haven't you gotten what you wanted, dude? Is spending one hour as a family in the span of four months THAT bad?".

Yes! Yes! Yes! I think this about my H, too! Why be unhappy, despondent, or angry if you have exactly what you wished for, jackass????

Hope it was a good day otherwise, flowmom. I'm SURE you were glad when he was gone!